surrender

 

Let me tell you a story.

I had a friend die recently. A friend I loved and looked up to. We were praying for the miracle. The miracle came. He is healed and in paradise. He was told "Good job my good and faithful servant." But it wasn't the miracle I had been praying, praising, begging for. A couple days ago I started to hear the beginnings  of a song we sang believing in a miracle.  I quickly turned it and told my husband I can't sing that for a little bit. I was honest and true when I said God spoke into my heart about trust and I do trust that He works everything- even unto death- for the good of those who love Him. It just wasn't my plan or way. 

So today......BOTH songs I told God I can't sing for awhile played. I seriously looked heavenward and said "really?" Tears streaming down my cheeks I sang them. One was Waymaker. Waymaker. Miracle worker. Promise Keeper. Light in my darkness. My God that is Who You are. And I dropped to my knees. I closed my eyes and I saw myself keep running at a big wooden door. I kept pounding into it with my shoulder. I was crying and begging to be let in, The door splintered. My shoulder was bleeding, but I just kept striking at it desperately. Finally,  I knew it wasn't opening. My body slid down the door and I put my head down and cried. Much in the same way I was in the physical. Then I felt hands in mine and looked up into the face of my Savior. He didn't say a word. He squeezed my hands and then pulled me into a standing position. We turned around and on the other wall was a doorway. Bright and Shining. The light was unreal, unearthly. In that moment, I knew if I were to go through that door my friend would be there. Happy and free. Healed and just where he wanted to be. 

When I opened my eyes,  God spoke into my heart, "I know you trust me, but you need to surrender. You need to give me back what was never yours to carry." Surrender. That is not a word I like or can relate to. I am a battler. A warrior. A do-er. Surrender. Isn't that giving up? I got home and did a little research on the word surrender- cease resistance to an opponent and submit to their authority. I had made God my opponent. My will vs. His. I am do not make bets. I even hate those scratch off tickets. Even I know that if anything is a SURE bet, a sure win, it's betting on God. My will vs His. His will win. 

God is loudly and clearly telling me that He is not my opponent. That is where I had put Him. I am to cease resistance and submit to Him. Which sounds almost elementary, but it goes so deep. Paul tells us in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I that live..." Galatians 5: 16 (a) So I say let the Holy Spirit guide your lives..." I had that scripture highlighted in my bible, underlined, and the word LET was circled. Not sure when I did that because sometimes I write dates when I get a word, but maybe I didn't write a date that day because that word was for ME TODAY. Theresa Marie, LET Me. 

It maybe cliche, but the more I learn the more I realize all of what I don't know. Do I trust God? Absolutely Does He know the beginning from the end?  He is all knowing Does He always work for my good and has His character proven that "He has this?" Indeed. Every time. 

Surrender. My finances. My vision. My husband and children. My family. My job. My I'm expectations. LET GO.  I am trying so hard to hold onto the wind. Yes Jesus. I surrender. I know I will have moments when I want to snatch it back, but remind me that I surrendered. I will submit to Your authority because you are God and I am so not. 

Matthew 16:25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 

What can I bring Him? Poor as I am? I bring Him my surrender.