Jesus is REAL

I don’t think this is a good book for me right now.

That was  my first thought as the introduction of my newly purchased audio book played on my way to work. It was called “The End of Me” from author Kyle Idleman. One of my all time faith moving Christian books is called “Not a fan” by him. I have read it countless times. I thought it would be a good pick.

 However, the introduction began with a story about the tragic lost of a young child. Immediately my breath sped up and my palm stated to sweat. Had I not been driving I probably would have shut off the phone in a reaction as sharp as a snake bite. But I froze.  

This is a conundrum of panic and living in the shadow of a tragedy. The conflicting feelings that you can’t be still. You want to run and run just so your body is moving so maybe you can shut down your mind. The second situation is the feeling of being trapped. Frozen. Your body is perfectly still while only you can hear the shattering bones and the screaming going on inside of you.

So I focused on my breathing, calming down, and continued with my hands on the steer wheel but listening to the story.  As I continued to listen…as God ALWAYS does….this was the exact book I was meant to listen to. The introduction told of how the author spoke with the man of the tragedy and how he said as life crushing as the situation was, it was here where he found Jesus. The author went to facebook and wrote “Jesus became real when….” He said hundreds of answers. Most tragic.

 When Jesus became real…..

 My eyes welled up and I  whispered “Jesus became real to me when.” -and spoke the awful tragedy. 

The introduction wrapped up as I pulled into the parking lot. The man explained that he had gone from a Sunday morning from time to time follower to a life sustaining relationship. The father claimed that prior to his 18 month old son’s accident “faith” was something that was always on the periphery of their family's vision. But now….Now….

He had encountered a living, active,ever present God.

When you hear stories such as these, such as mine, you think I can’t imagine,  and let me be the first to say you are right. You absolutely can’t. When your world suddenly becomes BEFORE and AFTER there are no words, no actions, no feelings that you ever had imagined. The world suddenly becomes so deafeningly quiet.

 

BUT GOD.

 

I had been a believer, Christian, Jesus follower, whatever you want to call it for decades. I had many of the moments the author shared that other had responded. I had come to the feel of Jesus over and over.

This was different. When Jesus goes from your religion, faith, and even ONE of my life goals to becoming the reason you can stand in the morning. My faith was never a secret and to the best of my ability (at least I thought at the time) I was attending church every Sunday, serving in children and music ministries. My Bible on my nightstand. Doing everything “right.”

When does Jesus become real? When something goes from a good idea to the ONLY idea.  When do you go from I am going to do this because of my faith to I am doing this to keep breathing? When does it go from I don’t have the time to I have nothing? What happens when your life takes a sharp right turn and you are blind sided by a semi truck?

 

When does Jesus become real?

 

When you come to the end of yourself. When you finally come to the realization that had been there all the time. You hold no power. Where you realize that there has to be more or this world isn’t worth it. When a pain crushes your very bones and taking a breath feels like slices of knives attaching your chest.  You need more. You need something. You find out that at the end of your abilities, thoughts, and life, you find Jesus.

When you come to “I have nothing.”

You come to I have Jesus.

There are the moments when during the after, as I clung to my family like they were my very substance of survival, God and I went to war with one another. I was at first angry, and no certain terms told Him that HE COULD HAVE,  but didn’t. I am ashamed of it now, but I asked God what Father does that? I ranted and raved. Sobbed and screamed. I tip toed into the land of "why would a good God _____."

I sat down and stared into the abyss. Silence. For only a moment, mind went to “is God even real?” The moment my mind uttered it, my soul sighed. As much as it hurt, questioning God for me is like saying the sky is green and the grass is blue. I am tethered too close for such nonsense. I have seen and heard God. I KNOW that God is real. But now, I had to rework my faith into what had just happened.

Jesus became more real to me in these last 6 months than my entire life combined. I wish for this pain to never be visited on by your family, but when I was broken and destroyed….when I came to the end of Theresa….There was JESUS.

Jesus became the force that kept me standing. He was (is) the name I would call out in desperation. Jesus became the center of the existence because if I didn’t have hold of HIS hand I was going to slip into the abyss.

I was not going to let the enemy win. I knew that I lived in the “in between” world that is cursed and scared by sin. I know this land is not my home. I know that Jesus NEVER leaves me and walks every step of my grief with me.

I am not saying it isn’t hard. I am saying I will sing worship songs to my creator with tears streaming down my face because my soul knows He is always good. I have proclaimed that I will praise him in the dark and in the shadow. When I don’t know the next step, I will praise the ONE who goes before me.

Tragedy and desperation have taught me that everything else is background noise and Jesus is REAL.

At the end of the book of Job- 42:5 it says this “My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.” If you know the story of Job. He lost everything and yet clung to God. In his desperation, the extras fell away until you were only left with the pure gold.

I am walking through fire. I smell the smoke, can at times can feel the heat, but I know I will not be burned. I am purified. Burning away all the temporary as I look to the eternal.

Jesus became real to me when Jesus became all I had. I came to the end of me, and He was waiting.

 Jesus, you are the LORD of my life and the SAVIOR of my soul. You have walked me through darkness and my foot has not slipped. I will declare your peace, mercy, and goodness as long as I have breath.

Friend, if you have questions, doubts, or heaven forbid find yourself in your own land of desperation, you are not alone. EVER. He will be with you until the very end of the age. If you need a friend to help, I’ll come along side.

Jesus is REAL. He is my everything.