Counting for life

 I am just putting this out here cause I'm a writer and that's how I process things. Today my school had 2 amazing projects going on that caused a lot of adults to be in the building. I knew this. But why did I panic and throw up my hands in front of my kids as I walked them to specials? Why did I tighten the line up, scanning where they were and where the adults were? Why did I count my children over 20 times to make sure they were all still there? And then I stood outside the gym door until they were all safe inside with locked doors. Then I went back to my room and locked my door and tried not to have a panic attack. With all the voices in the hallway. Then I had to get them. I had already mapped out which halls we would take and what action I would take if needed. After walking very quickly back to my room -counting always counting- I counted one last time. And then locked my door. And my chest ached and my breathing was fast. How can you get PTSD from an event you have never been in? One child asks to go to the nurse. Oh no. Should I walk him with the whole class? That puts the whole class in danger again. Do I just send him out to the wolves? I let him go and say make sure I know the minute you are back.  Like I won't be watching the door like a hawk waiting for him. I spend my prep brainstorming ideas on making the playground safer or bus dismissal safer. This isn't my first rodeo. Every...time this happens teachers everywhere go through this. We suffer in silence while everyone else in the world argues over whys and hows and whats while it's our bodies that we will throw in the line of fire. It's our voices that will scream run and then mindlessly fall back on our endless training.  I just want you to know. I am sick of teacher bashing and hearing how broken of a system we have. Well that's because we are a broken people. And we have a world full of brokenness and not enough glue to fix. So I go on. With my nightmares, my planning, my nodding. I just wanted you to know the next round of bashing teachers rolls around. The over paid babysitter comments. The "anyone could do that" speeches. It is my honor to reach into the future like a teacher does. A blessing to have so many beautiful people come through your life. It is my please to watch children laugh and play. But there are the hard parts too. The dark heart of a person that wants to destroy our future, our hearts, our babies. Today was a nervous day. The next will be better. One day I may be able to go down a hall without counting. But not today.

Maybe I was wrong

**An excerpt from the devotional When Jesus Shows Up: A Different Kind of Bible Study  by Theresa Demi

I hung back. The crowds were screaming. Feet stomping dirt up into the air.  The people had picked up palm branches and were waving them. "Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Blessed is the King of Israel!" In one giant wave, the crowd flowed on while I hung back. I bent over and picked up one of the branches they had laid in His path. Crushed and trampled. Broken and Bruised. I drug the plam down the inside of my hand and a thin river of blood mixed with my blood and sweat. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I had misunderstood?

I hid in shadows and in the crowds. I listened to what the people were saying. One man shouted, "Did you hear? This is Jesus! The man who raised Lazarus from the dead!" A second man exclaimed, "Here He comes into the Holy city! He will do it, this one! He will deliver us from our oppression of the Romans!" The first man wiped at his sweaty brow. The excitement radiating out of his face.  "Indeed! Surely a man who does wonders such as himself will find the role of King quite fitting!" They laughed . Their hope opened up from all to see.

As they walked away, I realized I was holding my breath. I thought back to one of the first times I sat at Jesus's feet. I knew I shouldn't. It wasn't proper. It wasn't where I was suppose to be. But...but there was something about His voice. When He spoke it felt like a breeze on a hot summer day or a rain after the drought. Everything He said I stored away. Had He ever mentioned overthrowing the rulers? Of taking the place of King of our people to lead us out from Rome? No. He had not. I was sure of it.

I pushed closer to the chaos. Another man, this one young and strong, grabbed hold of the older man in front of him. "Did you hear? This Jesus rose a man from the dead!" The older man shook his hand from him and he scoffed. "If I were you I wouldn't put a lot of faith into such fairytales."

But Mary knew. The pain sliced through her chest as she remembered.She remembered.  Nothing in her life had cut her as deep as her brother's death.

As he struggled to breath I begged him, "Just hang on brother! He is coming! He will save you!" I knew it! I believed it more than I had ever believed in anything before. Then Lazarus stopped breathing. It was like the world suddenly went dark. I couldn't see or breathe. I collapsed. I remember waking up in my bed and staring at the ceiling. He hadn't come, and Lazarus was dead.

I was sitting at the table staring at the very place I had sat at the teacher's feet. How could I have been so wrong? All of the sudden people were yelling that Jesus was here. Martha took off in a run. I couldn't bring myself to stand. He was too late.

The master has asked for you Martha had said. At those words, my soul shattered. I stood up and ran .When I saw Him, my knees gave out and I fell at His feet. The place where at one time I had found hope and peace. "Master, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died!" I felt something on my head. I reached up, and it felt wet. I looked into the face of Jesus as tears rolled down His face. He did love my brother! Why had He not come?

After that it was almost as if we were walking in a dream. We went to the tomb. Jesus told us to move the stone while ignoring the scoffing followers. And when Jesus called "Lazarus come out!" A rumbling began from the depth of the earth. A vibration was semt up into my body where my teeth because to chatter. Then all was quiet. Silent Then my brother walked out! Never would I doubt His faithfulness, compassion, and love.

Someone pushed into me. I fell into the dust. The cloud chocked me, and there were feet all around. Afraid I might be trampled, I quickly rose to catch a last glimpse of Jesus before the crowd swallowed him.

The last time I had been with Jesus, I knew something was coming for Him. I didn't know how to put what I felt into words. An end of sorts was coming. I had to do something before it came to tell Him how much I loved Him! How could I show him before it was too late. The urgency pounded in my head as my hands shook. Then I remembered the nard I had been saving. For what I never knew, but I  had a feeing it would change everything. Tripping over my own feet I ran to grab it, as I walked towards Him, I admit I began to doubt. Something dark whispered in my ear. Softly at first. "You will make a fool of yourself! They will throw you out of His presence! Why waste such a gift?" But I pushed through. I kept walking. I broken open the jar and pour out my heart to Him. Where words seemed finite and not enough, I hoped that this offering might speak what my heart was crying.

Then the darkness took on a voice I knew well. Judas. "What a waste!" I looked over at him and blinked. For a moment...I could have sworn I saw.... Darkness and shadows. Wrapping around his body. When he spoke again, my blood ran cold. "Why not sell this and give the profit to the poor?"

Then Jesus spoke. The minute He spoke the darkness fled. I swear I thought I heard...maybe...a shriek? "Let her alone. She is anticipating and honoring the day of my burial. You will always have the poor with you. You don't always have me."

Then I knew. The words..... burial....you won't always have me. I knew.

As the crowd thinned as they followed the man they thought would soon be king, I caught a smell that made my heart leap and then drop at the same time. The perfume. The scent still lingered when I poured out my offering. When I wiped his feet with my hair. Anointing Him for burial.  He was finishing what He had started. An end not a beginning. I knelt down in the dirt and dust and watched as my tears gathered in a puddle beneath.

A king? A conqueror of Rome. How could I have been so wrong? Perhaps I was? He would be King! Hope bloomed in my chest. But something wasn't right although the word King rang true. I looked to the sky. Passover would begin soon. There was much to do. This was the time to thank God above for delivering us from the Egyptians. By the blood of the lamb, we were saved as the angel of death would not touch us if the blood covered us. A flash of red flew through my mind. The smell of blood. Something was coming. Something that would change the world forever. I thought I knew what was happening. Now I am not so sure. But one thing I do know. This man holds the keys to death. I had seen the darkness flee from his presence. I had seen it power gone with the opening of his mouth. I didn't know what was happening, but I did know whatever it was and for whatever reason, Jesus was allowing it. He walked straight , calm, because He knew

To my baby

 My baby turns 18 today. He is a man. I can't go through pictures and memories because that might just push me over the edge of tears. I want this to be a celebration. A celebration OF HIM.  What a man he has become. To know William is to LOVE him. His heart has more capacity to love than anyone I ever met. He genuinely and humbly loves people. He also loves his Lord and Savior and for that I am forever grateful. In spite of my many failings, he found Him. He experienced Him. I have always said that I can nothing of the earthly treasures or accolades my children acquire, but for this alone I pray- that they would be warriors in the kingdom. William leads in a gentle but mighty way. For this I am blessed beyond measure. 

Many of you know the story of how a doctor misdiagnosed me and told me I would not be able to have children. So scared that it would never happen I quickly found out 2 months after my wedding I was indeed pregnant. I do not see it lightly that I have been called upon to be this man's mother. But he makes it so so easy. He never, ever goes without an "I love you mom" and "thanks mom." He ponders over his goals and the people he loves and always puts other in front of himself. He has a special GRACE upon him that sets him apart. 

I love my baby. He can turn 18 all he wants but he is still my baby. He will continue to grown in wisdom and strength, and he will still be my little boy. He will be holding his own miracle one day, and I will still see my blue eyes boy with a hand full of flowers. 

Thank-you God for the privilege of being called to be his mom.  I get teary eyes when I read in the Word that "Mary treasured all these things in her heart." There is a special place, a secret place, where mothers file away these memories. Where we get the chance to breath it all in and remember. 

How blessed am I? More than I deserve for sure. Happy 18th birthday to the boy who made me who I never thought I could be. To the boy who stretches me to be a better person without even knowing it. To the one who challenges me daily to be better, and do better. 

I love you William Alan to the moon and back and more than all the stars in the sky or grains of sand on the beach. You and your siblings are my greatest treasures. My most blessed part of who I am. 

Now go- and move mountains. love always, Mama

Wanna bet?

 I am not a girl of risk. Risk is defined as "expose (someone or something valued) to danger, harm, or loss." Why on Earth would someone choose to expose themselves to danger, harm, or loss. Ahhhh... For the payback. I am the girl that doesn't even play bingo or buy scratch off tickets. If it isn't a SURE thing, it's not my thing. 

The last couple of months I have had this on going conversation with God. After all the pain, disappointment, and death, I just threw up my hands and asked- He knows I am thinking it anyway- "Does it.....Did it have to be THIS way? I have been around the block and I get we need a sacrifice to pay the price, but this. Couldn't man at least have a slight bent to acknowledge the Holy. Their Maker. Does it have to be this hard following You?

What was really getting to me is with such reckless abandon people have forgotten Christ all together. And WHY?? FREE CHOICE! Now was THAT really necessary. I worked it out in my head. Why did you give us the choice. You knew we are creatures tossed by waves of oceans in our devotion. Why not just MAKE us?

 "Love is not love until it is chosen, sweet daughter." God created a people who would not be forced into a relationship or created for the part to eternality praise Him without their own free will to forsake it. They would have to choose to do these things. It has to be in spirit and in truth. This is where the big guy and I split. 

We see so much rejection of Christ. How many do not even give Him a second thought in their day. Forget spending time in His presence, we have Netflix to watch and phone games to play. We have other stuff to make us feel good for the here and now. As God and I are trying to strike a deal, I offer, we still get to choose but we are born with more of a bent toward Him. So we would know, but then COULD actively turn away. At least start on the right path and go from there. Some would stay- ones that maybe wouldn't  have come. He said no.

Then I get my whine on. God, don't you see this disaster? I am sure it has to be killing you, if it hurts my heart. These are your kids. They almost are skipping into the depths of hell. Then He answered this weekend, The Greater the Risk, The Greater the reward, 

I looked it up. He was right. It seems in the betting world, if you want big profit you have to be willing to risk big. That is where the value is, in the unknown. In the chance. Charles Swindoll said "If we want the advantages of love, then we must be willing to take the risks of love."

In this crazy betting case,  you get two outcomes -you win BIG- bigger than without risk. Or you lose BIG, because you were willing to put it all on the line. That's why. 

He wants all of you. He goes ALL IN. All His cards are on the table. His chips are in. I chuckled because I know I heard God say "Go Big or go home." He took a people he created and stepped back to give us the chance to make a choice to be with Him......or not. Not only that but His Word says in this life you will have problems, but be of good cheer, I have overcome them all. He already dealt with it. Sealed the deal in His blood. 

Now, it truly is our call. We can see what He has done. We can walk with our own free will into a relationship with him, or go it on our own. He doesn't leave room for a middle ground. The cross swallows that up. You will be either FOR Him or AGAINST Him. May I so humble say, if you are unsure, chances are you are not on the for Him side. 

Because those of us on the for Him side know it. I can't make it without my Jesus. My heart breaks for the darkness in this place that truly rips out the heart of the Father. His deal was simple and matter of fact. If I am willing to go all the way, without ever turning back- so must you. 

It creates authentic relationship. Based on mutual trust and love. I walked into this life. Eyes opened wide. Jesus said do not be surprised if people hate you, for they hated me first. Time for the church to be bold. To be stable. To be unstoppable. To be able to love people through it all, but not be quiet when the truth of separation of sin and darkness lays over your life. He alone has the words of life. 

After extensive discussion, I get it. His plan is perfect. He made it a choice so we could make it OURS. Not something handed over, but fought for.  He risked it all and placed the bet on ME! He will never force himself on anyone. But IF YOU KNEW! IF YOU ONLY KNEW. 

So I'm all in. I am figuring out what that looks like. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Sometimes with a lot of I'm sorries. But He is too Good to let me where I am. He has a plan and a purpose and you are in it. But you gotta put all your chips in. You have to step over the line. It's scary and sometimes feels like you are out here on a limb. But I KNOW that I KNOW, my Father is pleased. Every precious drop of blood given as ransom for me, I will rejoice. My heart turned humbly to Him to give praise no matter what season I am in. 

That was the word I came away with after my conference "risk." It's scary, but He is faithful. Please, please consider where you are. If you need someone to talk it out with, I am here. I don't have all the answers by far, but I can tell you what it is like here on the other side. I will not say it's easy. I will not say it solves all your problems. I will not say you walk around all sunshine and rainbows, because the truth of it is this is not our home. We are but foreigners and strangers, ambassadors of the Heavenly Kingdom at best here. My heart is elsewhere and so should my allegiance be. 

Risk. I don't know exactly what it looks like. But if You are there Precious Savior, Mighty God, Breath of Heaven, then I am all in. 

The Curse of the Black Bloods...coming soon

 

It is coming....The Curse of the Black Bloods

Nothing but the Blood

Things aren't always what they appear to be

The Curse of the Black Bloods

Darkness vs. the Light

Somethings you can never unsee

It is coming.....

Surrender

 "My Grace is sufficient for you, for y power is made perfect i weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ can rest on me." 2 Cor. 12:9

I don't know about you but I hate feeling weak. I hate depending on others. After my hysterectomy, I thought I could do it all on my own. Paid for that. When back to work 3 weeks after a very extremely difficult delivery. When to a cousin's baby shower the day after gallbladder surgery.  Every-time I do it this way, I pay. My famous phrase is "I got this" when I ain't got a thing.  Even when it comes to God things I think I can so it myself. Like I could ever work hard enough. Be enough. Not on my own. But when I join with Him, His power works through me. It is Him not me that is working. That I long for. 

I am reading a book for a class this morning and it so speak to me. It is something I have been struggling with lately, The question is "how much do you want Me? Cause you know it will cost you." Not sure of the cost, but I know it will be high. But I also know in my heart it will be WORTH it. Yet, my flesh still fears.

"Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Surrendering is not a pleasant thought either to me. Seems like quitting. But if I don't surrender and let go and allow myself to become weak I will never witness the power He can work through me. 

Guys, I am not sure I know how to do that. So I pray. I ask God to help me surrender. To help me lay my life down so He and He alone can picj it up. 

So if you are reading this, can I ask a favor? Will you pray for me. That God would show me His Glory and I would let go. I need to let go. 

Blessings my friends. 

Rest on us

As the Spirit was moving over the waters
Spirit, come move over us
Come rest on us
Come rest on us

As the Spirit was moving over the waters
Spirit, come move over us
Come rest on us
Come rest on us

So come down
Spirit, when You move, You make my heart pound
When You fill the room
You're here and I know You are moving
I'm here and I know You will fill me

Come down
Spirit, when You move, You make my heart pound
When You fill thе room
You're here and I know You arе moving
I'm here and I know You will fill me

Hey, come fill us up
Come fill us up
Come fill us up

And as the Spirit was moving over the waters
Spirit, come move over us
Come rest on us
Come rest on us

As the Spirit was moving over the waters
Spirit, come move over us
Come rest on us
Come rest on us (I feel the fire)

Fire and wind, come and do it again
Open up the gates, let Heaven on in (come)
Come rest on us (won't You come?)
Come rest on us (I feel the fire)

The Arts=Life

We interrupt your regularly  scheduled programming for this message.

        You all know by now I am a Jesus girl. BUT did you know that I was once a proud actress/vocalist of the Cambria Heights School District Music/ Musical Program. I was a VERY shy kid. Would never talk in class. Would hate when the teacher called on me to speak. I was very quiet and never, ever wanted to be noticed. I also never "fit" anywhere. 

UNTIL I got old enough to join chorus. Singing.  My Son got a key chain from his grandparents yesterday that said "Where words fail, there is music" and he said "mom, that's me." AND that's me. When I sang I could breath. I could be loud. I feel confident. It took me out of my box and made me ME. Then I joined theater. When I say it literally saves lives that is no joke. I was heading down a not so great path. But although I KNOW Jesus pulled me off it, I also know he used the Arts to do it.

 When I was on stage I was someone else. I didn't have to hide in my corner. I was so and so. I could dance and sing and all I saw was the stage lights. People faded away. It was me and the stage. I also made the best friends and made the strongest of bonds. Theater people don't judge. They are real about their struggles and life. We "act" on stage, but then we are free to get real with those around us about our true struggles. Others chime in or simply hug us. They tell us we are someone and something! 

The day my William told me he was joining Chorus I about cried. When he said he was joining the musical I did cry. He is my shy, awkward, sweetest soul child, I knew this was his moment. He was blessed with an incredible voice. This would be perfect for him. I never thought it possible but the music program at Cambria Heights has made him a LEADER. He is the "torch bearer" which is the guy handing out all the encouragement. If you would have known his in 5th grade you would not believe it. William has friends from every walk of life. He loves them so passionately. I am willing to bet, with the help of His faith and Jesus, he has saved quite a few souls with his perfect words. 

When I hear about programs being cut, my heart feels such a pain I swear it is going to fall out of my chest. Sure, we need to learn about balancing a checkbook, and reading the local news. BUT the Arts mold us into PEOPLE. It gives us vision and strength. It provides us with LIFE. 

Support your local Arts program. Truly, it is saving someone's life. 

 

When Jesus Shows Up

When Jesus Shows Up

click the link to be taken to Amazon

I wrote it before I knew it. I wrote it before I believed it. I thought I did but I had no idea. I have told you all before about struggling with my worth. When the friend asked me what I thought I was worth and I said, I don't know. But I know I am replaceable. She was stunned and I had no idea what had throw her off. NOW I DO. Cause I believe this closing in this book. I KNOW my worth. I KNOW who my father is. I KNOW he has anointed me to speak the good news and set the captives free.  I KNOW He has plans and I say "Amen!"

I know many of you are not "book" people, BUT GOD. (my regular readers get that reference). I am not trying to get rich off of this book and honestly, I donate any made money back into ministries that need it. I just want you to know how amazing my Jesus is.  God has blessed me to write. So I'll write.  If you are looking, wondering, lost, or just need a pick me up- check out    "When Jesus Shows Up" because when he shows up, wow do things happen. This book is a combination of stories of my life and stories from the Bible (although I make a disclaimer that you read the real story in the Bible first then my imagination). 

If the price AMAZON sets 15 is too much, get ahold of me. I can offer Author copies at a fraction of the price. Like I said I am not making a living out of this (Although Lord, maybe someday?), I just want you to read it. Not for my Glory- ever. But see what JESUS does in our lives and others when He shows up. I guarantee you will never be the same if you ask Him to really show up. 

Here is my conclusion that I NOW BELIEVE......

Who am I? A girl who has received a gift of salvation, joy, and peace that I can never repay. I am a child of God whose heart grieves for those who are separated from him. I am a Victor because I know how the story ends. I am a warrior for the name of Christ where I can fight my battles in prayer and praise. I am someone who may from time to time fall and scrape my hands and knees, but I get back up. I always get back up and reach for my fathers hands who lifts me up. I am a woman who loves to sit at the feet of Jesus to hear his voice and the place my head against his chest to hear his heartbeat for us. I am a daughter whose tears are wiped with my father’s hand. I am a child of God surrounded by his protection of the mortal and never ending warriors. A girl with hope, strength, and understanding only though through his name. I am above death. I am adopted into a royal family that will reign forever and ever. I am chosen to point you to the comforter, healer, and counselor. The weapons are formed against me, they will not prosper because you go before me in front, behind, and beside.

Loving my Jesus

Loving my Jesus- Click the link for the song

I was a wandering soul
Traveling a well worn road
A sinner so far from home
No second chance in sight
I heard You call my name
I felt You lift my shame
And I made a vow that day
That I'd spend the rest of my life

Loving my Jesus
Showing my scars
Telling my story of how mercy
Can reach you where you are
And I pray the whole world hears
The cry of my heart
Is to see all the ones I love
Loving my Jesus

Sin tries to make you hide
Whispers that same old lie
Keep all your pain inside
'Cause no one will understand
The last thing this lost world needs
Is someone I'm trying to be
Truth that has set me free
Is that I'm just a broken man

Loving my Jesus
Showing my scars
Telling my story of how mercy
Can reach you where you are
And I pray the whole world hears
The cry of my heart
Is to see all the ones I love
Loving my Jesus

When all is said and done
When my last song's been sung
I stand face to face with the one
Who gave all for me
May all I have to show
Be all that mattered most
Making Your great name known
Let this be my only legacy

Loving my Jesus
Showing my scars
Telling my story of how mercy
Can reach you where you are
And I pray the whole world hears
The cry of my heart
Is to see all the ones I love
All the ones I love
Loving my Jesus

My Word

 I started doing this a couple of years ago sort of in place of a New Year Resolution. I pick a word for the year. The first year I did it I picked thankful. That word just coming to my mind. When I had enough I was thankful. When I was lacking, I was thankful. Sometimes I would find myself just saying that word over and over. It would change my perspective. Because how I have argued forever now- Words are powerful.

I was thinking about what this year's word would be and it came to me with zero hesitation. TRUTH. 

A friend and I were talking a couple weeks ago, and we were talking about identify. I never really took the time to think about what I though about my identity. I was honest. I said I thought I was replaceable.  Not worth much. Sometimes a burden. The only worth I found was in doing for my family, but even then I thought someone else could do a better job than me. 

As this friend and I talked, I felt like my eyes were open. I have the indwelling of Christ in ME! He doesn't inhabit junk. He created me and loves me. He uses me and loves me. I am important. 

That was the "easy" part. The hard part was believing it. The story came to mind about Jesus being the Good Shepard and the sheep ONLY follow HIS voice. They run from the enemy's voice. I have to know what is true and what is the enemy. Then I can tell the enemy who is whispering lies into my ear and say no! That is a lie form the pit of hell and I will not take it on. I will choose the voice of truth. 

Then I came home and opened my bible randomly and guess what scripture it fell to. The very one we were just talking about.  God wink

To quote Casting Crows (go listen to the voice of truth song if you need to) The Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The voice of truth says do not be afraid. The voice of truth says this is for my Glory. Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose and listen and believe the voice of truth. 

2022- The year of TRUTH