Isabella Noel

January of 2009 was not a good time for us. The thing about grief is how it consumes you. The smallest thing can seem to suffocate you. Memories. Disbelief. Pain. It was not only winter outside but mostly in our heart as well.

And then came a joyful surprise. A promise of hope. A baby on the way. It seemed almost unreal at the time. That life was continuing. Life would continue on in some fashion. We found out we were having a girl. We would name her Isabella- a name I had carried in my heart for years. The middle name Noel- in memory of our last Christmas.

With her birth, she brought the sun. She brought back the promise of new life and the fulfilling of a promise. She brought hope and laughter. The moments she was born, she cried and I asked if she was ok. When Scott said "she is perfect" I cried. In that moment, my heart that had been fighting the reality of God still being in control, was broken. She was here. And perfect. God was still God. In the pain. And in the joy. He comforts us in times of trial. He rejoices with us with His blessing.

Everyday with you Isabella is a gift I never thought to ask for. Your two tooth grin and squealing joy can't help but hit the heart. Even now, before you can talk, you wave to everyone you meet. Wanting everyone to know that they are noticed. Even if only by you. Your hugs and kisses are treasures.

You are my sunshine. Happy First Birthday Baby Girl.

Thankful Thursday

"A single grateful thought toward heaven is the most complete prayer."

Gotthold Lessing

1. My Jesus
2. My husband, Scott
3. My kids- Will, Rachel, Luke, and Bella
4. My other family- you know who you are ;)
5. My job as a teacher, which I love
6. My husband's job- which he loves
7. warm house
8. food in my belly
9. healthcare
10. books- ahhhh...books (which I need to buy a stack of before next weekend)
11. friends I work with
12. My forever friends
13. cozy Pj's
14. laundry done (LOVE my mom)
15. laughing...lots
16. romantic comedies
17. writing
18. old movies
19. country music
20. health

and I could go on and on......

***** I fixed it Kelly. So thankful for you... ;)

and so goes it...

We are half way through the third week of school. The THIRD week of school.

It seems that when fall hits, the world begins to spin out of control for awhile. At least in my house. I return to my full time teaching gig and the kids return to school/daycare. Soccer, dance, scouts begin. My calendar is covered in red pen. Doctors appointments and choir. Finishing up summer while dancing into autumn.

While these are all good things, sometimes important things can get pushed aside. Quiet moments. Reading a good book. Writing down the beautiful and wonderful clips of life. I found myself thinking, I should write about that. I need to jot that down so I remember. And then I forget.

Like the night before his first day of FIRST grade William told me that he had a funny feeling in his tummy. He said "I think I am hungry." I told him no I think he was nervous. Then he said I think you are right and he asked why things just can't stay the same. I smiled and gave him a hug. Knowing more than he does how fast time will fly.

Rachel had her first "girl" fight at daycare. It seems when Rachel entered the scene another little one wasn't too happy. The other girl thought she would be the boss. No worries though. Rachel told me that she simply told the girl that when Rachel is not around she can be the boss. But when Rachel is there...well, that is a different story.

Luke is now in the pre-school class at daycare. He is writing letters....writing letters. In the three weeks of school, I am proud to announce that he has been in time out only once! And if you know my little ball of excitement you would rejoice too. He is my sweetheart though. As I lay on the couch, crying in pain (more on that) he came over and laid his little hand on me. "I will pray for you mommy."

And did I mention that my Isabella is turning one next week. I was standing in front of the ice cream case today (don't judge me) and thought I should buy this now for Bella's birthday. And then I thought BIRTHDAY. And my eyes got real foggy real quick. Cause she is my baby. My baby. Did I mention about time passing so very quickly.

Scott has gotten a new title at work. Instead of a GUP 2, he is now a GUP 1. No I don't know what he does. I think it is top secret. Or so stinkin' complicated that I can't follow him from point a to point b. You gotta keep it simple, like "I teach kids to read." See, simple.

And I, my friends, am heading into surgery. The whole withering in pain thing? I am having my gall bladder removed. Next Friday. Scott is off already and I also have my sub lined up. Nothing to do but a million pre-op appointments and phone calls.

Let's try and keep in touch, k? Cause I saw my first tree filled with nothing but red leaves today. Time-she is a moving.

thingies

I was so excited! I had found the hair thingies. (real word-I think I have been reading too much fifth grade fiction? Frindle) I bought the cutest hair thingies for Rachel's new school year at daycare. They were cute little clips where one was a butterfly and one was a ladybug! The NICE rubber bands that her very thin and fine hair need. Little bows. All in one great package for one low price at wal*mart.- Sure wal*mart I will take some cash for that great plug in.

BUT we had lost them. By we, I mean my daughter and her much taller friend found them on TOP of the bathroom shelf and opened them. And spread them all over. After I found them, nicely*cough cough* sent them outside, and I put them in a plastic bag. Then I lost the bag. Oops.

But last night I found them. I was so happy I called Rachel in. She was not that impressed. I yelled at Scott to check it out. Again, he didn't see the reason to be jumping. Fine. I was pretty happy.

This morning. I wake up and come downstairs to take a shower. Brushing teeth and then I see something colorful in the toilet. You love how I check my toilet in the morning, huh? The baggie of hair thingies. Swirling in water..around and around. I sigh. And I am going to wal*mart with my three dollars to get a new set!

lucky

He held up a picture. "And this is what your uterus looks like." There was obviously trouble. Now, this wasn't actually a picture of MY uterus, but just a picture of one that was full of endrometriosis. My family doctor self diagnosed me with this after my year long bout with sickness and he had sent me here. To this man. Holding up this awful picture and then telling me "you probably won't have children." I was 21.

I know having children isn't for everyone. But for me, I just always thought it was a given. I would graduate college, get married, have kids, and die happy. But after being sick almost everyday for a year...and then this man telling me I will not be able to have kids...I thought my life was over before it had begun.

I went home and told Scott, my then fiancee, that I could not marry him. He wanted kids and I could not have them. He told me I was crazy. He of course asked me if they had actually looked at MY uterus. Well, no. BUT they did look at my symptoms. And the Dr said so. And the gyno said so.

A couple of weeks later, my mom called Scott to come and get me. I was on the bathroom floor and I was done. He came to my house and scooped me off the floor and drove my mom and I to the hospital. They ran a blood test. I had a UTI that had been let go too long. It was sending poison into my blood. "You need a strong anti-biotic." "That is it? and I will be OK? I can have babies?" The nurse probably thought I was just delirious from the fever.

But that picture stuck with me. What if I can't have kids? What if it just doesn't happen for us. That pain in the pit of my stomach. Sobbing in the backseat of my parents car on the ride home from seeing that picture. Watching my mom wipe the tears from her eyes when they told me. What if?...... I still thought.

On May 17th 2003, I was married. On July 8, 2003 I found out that I was having a baby. My baby.

Now, 7 plus years later, I have 4 beautiful, healthy children. When people ask if we are "done" I laugh. As my husband says he wants to have at least 2 more. People gasp. Look at you funny. Either ask God to bless you or question your sanity.

Too be honest there are days that are an "epic fail." My house is a mess, my children aren't listening, we ate cereal for dinner, and I have to wash a sippy cup to get a clean one for bed drinks. There are times when I ask myself "am I crazy? What made me think I could do this?"

A fellow soon to be mother of 4, Kristen, reminded me of something important today. Someone asked her if this was going to be her forth and she said yes. Waiting for the "your hands are full" or "are you crazy?" response. But instead this woman said you're so lucky. Made her think. And man, did it make me think.

I have many friends struggling right this very minute to get pregnant. Even though I had my moments in the Dr's office and in the back of the old station wagon...I still can't put myself in their shoes. I pray for them. Pray for peace. Pray for the gift they so desperately want.

I look at my own kids. I need to be reminded. Yeah, lucky. I couldn't be luckier.

choosing to be

Last night Rachel and I were laying in bed and discussing how we are all suppose to be working on "being nice" and "loving even when we don't feel like it." She was having "bad day." She threw her little hands up and said "I am trying to be kind but people just won't leave me alone. I try to go and be by myself and be kind and then people come and bug me!" Aaahhh...from the mouths of babes.

It is easy to be kind when it is just me and my coffee. Then you go adding all kind of people and things get a little hairy. But since I read this article by Janel, I can't stop thinking. ( a post of its own)! I need to get to the "heart" of the problem. And not just with my kids! With myself as well.

I understand my daughters laments. Sometimes it is so hard to be kind! If they would just leave me alone! Like when I am sick and my kids are all screaming and fighting. When my husband has forgotten to tell me to write that on the calendar. When I am forgotten by others. When my house is a mess. (you don't see the connection??)

When you come home from a very long day and you just want to get the kids fed and in bed and the neighborhood girl knocks on your door. Way past playing time. I am grumping as husband opens the door. She needs a flashlight. So Scott goes and gets her one. I grump on. (see how well my mouth challenge is going???) To be fair, I must defend myself in my head. He doesn't get it. The kids set the center piece on fire at the baby shower today! Rachel spilled a whole cup of coffee, when I didn't even get one sip, all over the table, floor, and chairs at the baby shower! I am sick-again- in my stomach. The list went on and on. Then my husband comes in and says "you know, we might be the only Jesus she ever sees." On that note, it became different.

My attitude is so important because who knows who my life is affecting. I know it affects my family. It affects my classroom. My friends and other family. Even though sometimes I might not feel like being kind, I need to choose to be kind anyway. Loving when I don't feel like loving. Even though I may have a list of good reasons not to be, like my little Rachel "They just won't stop being annoying"- her brothers.

Sometimes we don't know what list the other person is carrying. We don't know what is challenging their faith today. When we seem the most "annoying" that is when we need others kindness the most. I need to practice being kind. Loving even more when I don't feel like it.

Listening

Scott doesn't really work a lot of nights. He works 7 out of every 28 days. Unless he does overtime. Which seems to always be night shifts....

But we sure do miss him when he is gone. I have been having stomach trouble....again. Of course tonight was a bad night. Scott is home. He got their drinks and is now reading their Bible Story with them. He leads them in the "thank-you God for _____" prayer. He tucks them in.

Certain things you don't think of when you are 17 years old and dating a cute boy. Good thing God thinks of them!