a rough one

Can I share with you a secret? Having five kids is hard. Really hard. But then again...so was having 4 and before that 3. That two really got me and let's not forget how terrible I felt after that first. I seriously cried because I knew he was going to be an only child. I also cried because I wondered if I would ever watch CSI uninterrupted again, if I would ever sleep more than 20 minutes at a time again, if I would ever have this growing ball of anxiety lifted again...you get the idea.

Now, before I get jumped all over, I know how blessed I am. Hands full? Absolutely. Heart overflowing? Couldn't be more true. And I KNOW I choose to have all of these little lifesucking angels. Each one of them is the best thing about me. And I know it.

Humor me for a minute.

Today was rough. Nicholas, treasure #5, is almost 7 weeks old. Not a good sleeper. So I live in a world of foggy reality. Today I had to get all 5 plus me out to soccer practice. Which means the two oldest ones had to have practice clothes on (I made Rachel change out of her neon green skirt and Will out of his long sleeve shirt), cleats, shin guards, soccer balls, soccer socks, and drinks. The three little ones had to be presentable (Luke had to change out of his dress shirt and Bella out of her dress---don't ask). Then I had to pack the diaper bag. If you ever traveled out of the house with a newborn, you know what I am saying. OK- all ready (FINALLY) and now to the field. Did I mention that they practice on two very opposite fields? So I strap on the baby carrier and walk back and forth between practices. Meanwhile bouncing fussy baby, taking small ones to bathroom, and watching 3&4 roll down an awfully steep hill. But it is keeping them busy, what can I say?

Did I mention twice I had a huge spider crawl on me? Oldest was at the swamp field. Then I remembered that Luke is also in soccer. Will is in football too and Rachel is signed up for cheerleading. Not sure if all of this is going to fly, or is mama is not going to collapse in a heap.

Got home to eat quickly, bath everyone, and while getting night drinks ready Rachel asked what was wrong. "I am just really tired." "I bet you are glad it is bedtime!" "No, not really, cause Nick will be up. So I don't really get to sleep." *cue pity party* "That is why you had kids. Will can pick him up and we can take care of him. You can sleep." I smile and maybe tear up. Cause I love her. I do love them all so much. When days get hard, because they often do, it is nice to remember that I am blessed to be able to scoop spaghetti off the floor, wrap arms in ace bandages, put together my broken glasses, put away the bottomless basket of clothes, referee the choice for nighttime movie, and get to hear "this is my mommy" in a way that swells your heart.

It is all good. We will get through this.