tight rolled jeans with a side of teenage angst

New Living Translation
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires

Psalm 37:4

                I found my middle school diary…..so, yeah. As it is quite obvious, I am a big fan of writing and expressing your ideas down on paper. Nevertheless, this is a skill I wish wouldn’t have evolved until high school at least. Also, after reading, I have discovered that perhaps Rachel has gotten her flair for the dramatic from her mom.

                My childhood crush. His jeans tight rolled, hair geled expertly off to the side, and denim jacket cuffed up. *13 year old girl swoon* He was perfect. He was gorgeous, funny, and if he didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend soon I might drown in a sea of depression. (I told you dramatic) The dance was this evening. Enter my best friend who was my partner in crime. I went to her house, got dressed up in her clothes because they were way cooler than mine. Anyone remember “Co-ed naked” shirts. I didn’t get innuendos back then any better than I get them now- but my dad sure did when I got home. I hair sprayed my hair as stiff as it could possibly go, put on some cherry lip smacker, and we were ready to do the electric slide  and Cold November Rain all night long. PS- If you didn’t grow up in the 80’s and 90’s you may have to google some of these references

                I won’t hold you in suspense. He didn’t like me. Although at one point he did talk to me. To see if I could give him my best friends phone number. Broken hearted, I cried into my pillow that night. But it wasn’t over yet. I would convince him that I was the girl for him. Enter the bible.

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires

          WHA?!?!?!?!  So if I go to church every week (check), pray every day (mostly check), try to be a good person (check), God will give me the desire of my heart. I HAD found the Holy Grail. The solution to my middle school boy- who in my opinion was hotter than Jordan on New Kids on The Block- dilemma. I would ask God. Well, first I would “delight myself in Him” AKA church, pray, be good, and then he would give me the biggest desire of my heart. Tight rolled jeans boy. If I do this, then God will grant me that. Like the ultimate genie in a lamp. I just had to figure out the right way to rub it. One week went by… nothing. Surely soon. I prayed. I prayed/begged God that if he would only give me this one thing, let this one boy ask me to be his girlfriend, then I would go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life. Because that is what He wants right?

          Spoiler* I never got the boy. Looking back on the two and some decades (wow…I am old) since then, I can clearly see how that would not have been the best thing for me. The last thing I needed at that age was a pretend adult relationship. Let’s face it. Two weeks after girls met their dream come true guy they were sitting on the bleachers the next dance sobbing due to him now “going out” with someone else. Maybe someone who would go under the bleachers for him.

                As I look back now, with wider and more sober eyes and without a pre-teen heart washed in faux emotions, I can pin point all the garbage that God has kept me from by saying no. He had perspective. I did not. He wanted what was best for me ultimately. I wanted the quick pleasing moment. He lovingly told me no, and I stomped off into my room to sulk.

                Only in the Last couple of years has this verse and others been revealed so clearly to me that I wonder how I couldn’t have seen it before. I do realize actually. I used to read the Bible wondering about what it could do FOR me. Not TO me. I want the quick fixes. Motivational scriptures on my cups and walls. Recently I have found my Jesus is messy.

                Another version of this scripture is the contemporary English version that says
“Do what the LORD wants, and he will give you your heart's desire.” I truly wanted to do what the Lord wanted at this point. I loved Him and realized the undeniable grace and sacrifice it took to save me from myself. But I still had the second part of that scripture wrong. I couldn’t understand how if I was doing the good things, delighting and all that, why was I still not getting the desires of my heart. Why did I still not have this or that? Why did she get that instead and she doesn’t even know you?

                Then one day, The Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, and my entire perspective changed. This wasn’t an IF- THEN relationship. Not a direct cause and effect. It was a change in my heart perspective. IF I was delighting myself in the Lord, he would place NEW desires, HIS desires in my heart. This makes sense for a couple of reasons.

1. I am a sinful human being. No sugar coating this. In this fallen world, we all fall short of the Glory of God. Whether you think you are missing the mark by a meter or a mile, you are still not enough. And will never be enough without the Son. We cannot redeem or pay the admission required to level the field with God. In comes the Blood of the Savior. My sinful nature cannot and should not be trusted. I want things I shouldn’t want and push things away I need. The book of Jeremiah further confirms the nature of man’s heart: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) 
2. He is better at long range planning. He knows what is coming up and the tools I must have developed in order to survive this mission. He also knows what or who I don’t need. He can see the whole puzzle before I even open the box. He is seated in the best position.
3. He know what desires would truly captive my heart. The place that only he can fill and only He knows about. I think I know, but really I have no idea. He meets me in a way that I would have never imagined asking for. Something outside of myself and what I would see in the realm of possibilities.

                How amazing is it that God desired to plant His desires in the hearts of men. That He relentlessly pursues and desires a relationship that will not only bring about His glory but will ultimate result in our healing, our passions fulfilled, and our direction determined. When we desire God, and not just desire the gifts He gives us, that is when things get real. We aren’t delighting ourselves in Him to get a set of steak knives (another 80’s reference), but we are delighting in Him because we adore Him. We are asking Him to draw us close enough to Him that we can hear the beating of His own heart. That we find joy and fulfillment in Him, and want to turn around and look for ways to share it with the people God places in our mists for this season.

                I also want to add that looking at how it all turned out, I am so glad I didn’t get what my 13 year old heart thought was essential, and have learned to temper my writing passions a little. Just a little.