Lucas Scott

My boy. You turn two today. Two?? I have said to some "when did he turn one?" A boy full of life and mischief. A boy who much rather who suffer the consequences than listen to his mother. A little boy who finally gave us our big brown eyes and his double dimpled cheek. My boy who has to dump cereal all over the floor to find the piece he wants or wants to see if this really will flush. My sweet boy who curls into my lap at night and who always has to ask "what hapeen?" if you are crying. My little morning alarm clock. The joy you bring could never be predicted. We are blessed by your laugh and love. We love you.

Grief

Grief. It sneaks up on you. Little things trigger it. An unwelcomed dream. A question you would have asked. Future plans or past memories.

I don't know how other people deal with grief. I push on. I move. I don't think. I know some say that you should face it head on. Deal with it. I can't. I skirt around it. It comes up fast but I push it back. My mind wonders and quickly I change the subject. Sometimes I try to force myself to think about it. To test it. To see if it still hurts as bad. And even when I am just peeking over the edge- it hurts. I can't look at it. I would shatter.

When the ..stuff..floods your shower

Today was grocery shopping day. I am not a fan. Not only am I not a fan in general of shopping but definitely not grocery shopping. I always spend so much money and come back not knowing what I bought or what I should make. Yes, I know I SHOULD make a menu, a plan and then stick to it. But when we are out of crack-up soup and down to our last gallon of milk (again), it is time to suck it up and go. Thankfully my mom offered to watch 1,2, and 3 so I could go. By the time I finished shopping (one woman said to me, "I don't envy you putting all that away"), picked up the kids, got home and put EVERYTHING away, my feet were killing me. I decided to make stuffed shells because I thought ordering a pizza when I just spent gobs of cash on groceries probably wasn't very classy. go me.

When Scott is on day shift I LOVE to see the truck pull up. Because the children RUN to him. They are so excited to see him and leave me alone. *cough, cough* Plus, I have dinner and he really does pitch in at night. He loves to play with them, and he puts them to bed. It is a nice little deal. Tonight with my feet aching I was especially thrilled. All I wanted to do was eat, take a nice shower, and crawl into bed. SO............ we finished dinner and Scott was going out to mow the grass, first he was helping me clear the table. He was rinsing plates and running the garbage disposal when both side of the sink filled with horrible nasty garbage/stink nasty stuff. Great. Scott gets to work on plunging in, and draino-ing it. I go to the bathroom and gasp. The shower is now filling with stank nasty stuff. Smelly, yucky, can't even tell you STUFF. I call for Scott. He is not happy. He goes to the basement. He is even more unhappy. Seems we have a back-up there too. After a couple of hours with a shovel and some words later, he announces that he needs a shower and we have to order a new dumpster.

Just when you think a nice quiet night, the stuff backs up the garbage disposal.

the zoo, the zoo

In my quest for the "greatest summer ever" we decided to go to the zoo. Which in theory sounded like a great idea! Except the night before William came down with a fever. He said his brain threw-up which I am taking it means he has a headache?? We waited to see what morning would bring. Well, he woke up fever free and I asked him how he was feeling. "Great!" he said. So we packed up and set off for the zoo with my sister and mom too.

The ride wasn't too bad. And as soon as we got there Will said "Look at all these humans!" Why he will not use the word "people" and still "humans" is beyond me. We had a really nice day looking at the animals. Luke was fascinated. He never wanted to leave one place to check out another. Poor Will though. He started to feel not so good. He laid down in the wagon. His fever went up. And it went down hill from there. After a good couple of hours at the zoo we were ready to head home. And many had it gotten HOT! And since my air conditioner is broken, this was not good news. I felt like I was having trouble breathing, I started swelling, and poor Will was moaning in the backseat.

When we got home, I gave him Tylenol and he felt better. He ate some soup, which was the first thing he ate all day. We had chinese food!

Now, Scott is dayshift for 3 days. SO what to fill my day with?? I have so much to do at home. We must fix up the playroom because it is becoming Will and rachel's room. There is always the laundry and everyday stuff. And there is this horid smell coming from my livingroom...I don't even want to go there!

Monday Review

1. I am 29 weeks and will turn the ripe old age of 29 at the end of the week...

2. Apparently my not sleeping is not because of Scott not being here...although it helps. I couldn't sleep last night either...hhhmmmm...anyone have any sleep inducing remedies??

3. Pregnant women go through A LOT of toilet paper.

That is all....it was a slow day

scared of the dark

I have never been a fan of scary things. I never watched scary movies as a kid (if I could get out of it.) I never went into haunted houses. I hated Halloween. I am not a fan of the "adrenaline rush" that people say it gives them. Give me a nice romantic comedy thank-you very much.

But despite me always avoiding scary things, I was always afraid of the dark. My brother and I had the battle of the nightlight for years. He insisted he couldn't sleep when it was on and I called him a big fat liar and wanted it on. We would fall asleep with it on. He would wake up and turn it off. I would wake up and freak out and turn it back on. This dance would go on throughout the night. Brat.

However, as I got older, I pretty much conquered that fear. I now sleep with the light off. That is when Scott is home. And Scott being home every night was never a problem. Until he started his new job. Now he does (at least) 7 night shifts every 28 days. And at times, being afraid of the dark is a problem. What am I afraid of?? Someone breaking in?? The bogeyman?? My old, creaking house?? I don't know.

But what I do know is that I was up last night at 2:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. My house was making noises and I came downstairs to make sure the door is locked. Again. I turned on all of the lights. I got on the computer and piddled around. I went up to bed where two of my little cherubs were sleeping. And I waited for morning. I didn't go back to bed until 6 a.m. And then I was up when Luke got up. Man, I am so very very tired. I have to get a handle on this night shift thing. I guess soon though I will have Bella to keep me company.

Today I had to skip church. My eyes were all puffy and my huge body was slow going. I kind-of just sat around. I should have painted but I just couldn't. This should be a busy week. Tomorrow I may go out to the school and pick up some stuff. I really need to go grocery shopping. Tuesday we are going to the zoo!!! Then we have the upstairs to paint and porch to finish. And this weekend is the Family reunion. AND.....my birthday! and Sunday is Luke's birthday.

But for now, I am going to curl up in a ball and sleep....

VBS as a kid

When I was a kid, the little local United Methodist church did the summer VBS. We didn't attend the church. We attend the much BIGGER (hahahaha) catholic church. BUT everyone went to VBS. SO there was about 6 of us. No, not really. Probably about 30 or so.

VBS was in the morning. We would would wake up and rub the sleep from our eyes. Clutching the quarter our mom gave all of us kids for offering, we would trek up the mountain. Really it was just a big hill but to us at 8:30 a.m., it was a mountain.

Now, I remember singing time. Mim (I believe her name was) who (no disrespect cause I know she is still around) but I thought was so old. But she played the piano with ease though and led us kids in worship. We would sing and laugh. We always had snack outside sitting on the steps. Our favorite craft was always the painting day. We had a bible teacher every year. One time we made Viv laugh for days because we told her that the dead guy looked more like he was swimming. And when we got older John volunteered to teach us (even though we were too old!) He was very soft spoken but would laugh and play games with us. The pastor would always be involved. Pastor Tom praying before and after. Pastor Roy walking around with balloons on his head and teaching us how to play don't steal the bacon.

And closing night was the best. We would have a bonfire right there at the church!! We would all memorize a scripture, and learn a song for our grade. And we would put on a program. With all of our families there, the town seemed to empty into the church. Then downstairs we would go!!! Hot dogs and marshmallows were roasted outside. We ran around and laughed and played. Showing our parents the crafts we had made. The bible notebook we had completed. We went every year to VBS. Wishing it was 2 weeks instead of the 1.

Now, I can't tell you one song we sang in those million years of VBS. I can't tell you the theme or the scripture I am sure I memorized. The only crafts I slightly remembered is plaster and painting. I don't remember the snack or the message. BUT I do remember the people.

I remember those people who gave up their morning one week one summer to come and laugh and play. The adults who who hugged you and were happy you were there. I never felt out of place or lonely up there. Everyone knew our name and our family. The adults played the games, and ate the hot dogs. And it wasn't until I was older did I truly appreciate what they did. Men and women. Young and old. Coming up to the church, decorating, planning, and loving us. They did it because they wanted to make a difference in the live of the kids. They wanted us to know the love of Jesus was not a story but it was first hand something REAL. They wanted to SHOW us that. And they did. I know they made a difference in mine.