It wasn't suppose to be this way

 It wasn't suppose to be this way.

Tears pool in my lap. I don't bother to wipe them away anymore. I feel the rain pour from my eyes slide down my cheeks. Some drip from my chin; some from my nose. This being the very reason I knew not to wear eye make up. Not that it matters. Who cares if black is streaking down your face when your heart lay at your feet in a million pieces? It will take more than a make up wipe to tackle this mess. 

We prayed. We fasted. We begged. We did everything right. And he is still gone. The moment I first heard, it was like I was in a tunnel, everything echoed and my ears then started ringing. I read the message again and again. "No, God, No! It wasn't suppose to end this way!" I cried into a pillow. I let myself feel and release the shock and grief. Just when I though I could catch my breath it came flooding back. I felt betrayed, angry even. "But God...." I couldn't even finish my sentence. He had given, and He had taken away.  How could this have happened? There must be some mistake? Someone pull me from this nightmare how ever I can get away from it. 

For a couple of days, I again went into shock mode. I didn't know what to even say to God. It felt awkward, and I will admit angry. When I finally got up my courage to look heavenward, I let it all out. My pain and hurt. Then I heard the smallest of voices whisper to my heart, "Theresa, my girl, do you trust me?" Like a petulant child I remained quiet. Then I gave out my own wants, my own desires, my own plans on how this was to play out. What his healing could have brought! "Jesus," I choked out. Again, "Theresa, do you trust me?"

Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or some thing. Did I trust him? God is either good all the time or none of the time. I cannot serve a God who changes like shifting shadows. I claim He is good. I shout He is faithful. Here in this valley, what do I say? In moments where life hurts, bad. 

There is no middle ground. You don't get t straddle that line. Either God is Sovereign or not. 

Does my faith have the strength to rise? 

Theresa, do you trust me. 

Trust is scary. So scary. Trust sometimes requires us to suspend what we are actually seeing and to believe in what we know to be true. Trust sometimes means letting go and knowing He will catch you. But that moment in between the jump and His arms, it is scary. 

It comes down to this. Do I trust Him or not? Do I know His character or not? Has He not proven Himself to me over and over. Do I think He doesn't care? No. I believe he is collecting each tear that falls. That he cries with us as He did with Mary and Martha even though He knew what was coming for Lazarus. Our broken hearts break His. Imagine your child in pain, and you don't stop it because you know something better is coming. It still doesn't take away the sting of their tears.  Revelations 21:4 says "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." This earth we are now a part of is not our home. There is so much more coming. So much we don't know. In the not knowing, I have to go to someone who knows something-anything. 

Trust is scary. Faith is scary. You know what makes it less scary? Knowing I have a God who loves me dearly, has shown himself to me time and time again personally, and knowing the heart beat of the Father. 

I dug into the Bible for answers. His word is true or its not. 

Psalm 91:2

"This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;  

He is my God, and I trust Him. "

He is MY God, and I trust in Him. Theresa, do you trust me. You are MY God, Elohim Shama- The God who hears. You are my refuge and my safety, Jehovah Uzzr- The Lord my strength

Hebrews 10:22 (a)- let us go into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting Him. 

Even when My heart is breaking and I can't see past the darkness, I will trust in you Elohim Qarob- God is near. Theresa, Do you trust me? Even in this? God you are Rum Rosh- The one who lifts my head. 

"Yet still I belong to you;

you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth. 

My health may fail and my spirit grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever."

Psalm 73:23-26

I lift my head. I don't pretend to understand. I won't fake that my heart isn't shattered. What I will do is praise God that I can trust Him with my fragile heart, my shaking hands, my leaking eyes, my mortal understanding. 

He whispered, Theresa, do you trust me?" "Yes, I trust you," I whispered back.  

How do we change the world?

 

What's it worth?

What's it worth?

“When I a have a nickel and trade them in for 5 pennies, am I making more money?” “NO!” “Why not? I went from 1 to 5!” “Because you still have the same value just different coins,” says the lively child in the back. “Excellent!” We have learned value can be fixed as it is in pennies and nickels, or value can be reflected on a different scale altogether in things such as memories and pictures. Where does the value come from? What makes some things worth more than others? What determines something or someone’s worth?

What you are willing to trade for it.

Value is defined as “the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.”

I have a letter that my grandfather wrote my grandmother when he was away at at WWII. They were young and in love and I imagine the letters were what kept him going in those dark and dangerous days. The paper, the ink, the envelope, all not worth more than a few coins. But the value. Words that my young grandfather wrote about life and love. Faith and devotion. About a hope in coming home and if not, a hope in returning to His Savior. Worth a couple coins indeed.

To me this simple sheet of paper is irreplaceable. No amount of money can signify or replace its value. The value is not found on the earthly paper but in the heavenly significance of a man and a woman who are declaring their love for one another and their heavenly Father that will echo through generations.

My pictures. My past journals. My memories. All things that hold little earthly value, but to me, priceless. As I dug through my Bible researching value here are some treasures I uncovered.

1. Our value is not based on our behavior. Thank God. The Bible says “8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 You do not have to clean yourself up to come to Jesus. He loves you right where you are. Foul mouthed, selfish, and self important as you are. Be warned though. He loves you too much to let you stay there.

2. Your value is not based on what anyone else thinks of you. ANYONE. You feel as though your spouse doesn’t get it. Your kids don’t appreciate it. That evaluation at work has you stewing all day. Proverbs tells us “It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the Lord, you are safe.” Galatians 1:10 Am I saying this now to win the approval of people or God? Am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Chose to live for the one whose opinion matters for eternity. All else fades.

3. Your value never changes. God will never, ever give on you. This is a non-negotionale point. Phil 1:6 says “being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I know sometimes you don’t see the the worth or the why. Just take one more step. Then another. He will carry you on! Timothy 1:12-16 Paul was a murder of anyone who proclaimed the name of Christ Jesus. The blood of many innocent souls coated his hands. And YET!!!! God did not surrender him over to the darkness. No! He used him and this to prove that we do not determine what we are worth. Our actions do not void our destiny. Paul said in 1 Timothy 12 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. 13 Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. 14 The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.

4. You are made in the imagine of God Genesis 1:27

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

Genesis 2:7 “Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.”

********And here again my friend, hangs all the threads of eternity. You are worth what God was willing to trade for you.*****

5. Your value is so important that the living and moving God ransomed His own Son’s blood for you.

“knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, 19 but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. 20 He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you 21 who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.”

1 peter 1: 18-21

My students understand value as much as something is worth. What (usually money or time) you are willing to trade something for. What are we placing our own value on? Is it our job? Our position in society? Or weight? nOur bank account? What others think? Or what the one who knitted me together in my mother’s womb thinks of me.

Of the Father who looked down to earth and saw his beloved children wondering in circles. Trying to reach for more and not know exactly how to get there. So He offered a ransom for us. He handed over His Son and let His precious blood soak the ground to pay for our sins. For our wrong doings. We didn’t ask. We didn’t have to.

In this He has said it all. How much are you worth? Look at the stripes of skin falling from my Son’s back. Think you aren’t good enough? You aren’t. That’s why the blood and water flowed from his side. As an offering to the parched and desolate land. Wondering why He would even still care? Because He choose YOU! You didn’t choose Him. John 15:16 “You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.”

You are valued beyond all you could ever imagine.

Take the Picture

 

Take the picture.

This clearly isn't one of my best pictures. I am wearing my glasses as I have been forced to for the past year because my eyes are not reacting well to contacts anymore. 0 makeup, hair in a bun(as usual) just not something I would want to advertise.

But do you know who that is in front of me? My mom. This picture was taken at camp and she looks gorgeous and stunning as always. Hair always done makeup always perfect always looking beautiful. And behind me is my baby girl who also not a huge fan of pictures but let me take one because Grammy was in it.

Today this picture is no big deal. I mean I appreciate it and I like it but someday this picture will be everything to me. In a couple of decades when my mom is gone and my daughter is grown I look back on this picture and smile and be thankful and remember the three of us. And it will be a beautiful memory.

Because we don't take enough everyday pictures we don't take enough pictures of ourselves and our loved ones and we never know when that last picture is going to be taken. So I stopped caring as much about the less important things like hair and makeup and start focusing on the more important things like me my mom and my daughter all smiling together at camp.

So take the picture. Hair up in a bun and all take the picture. Because someday we're going to need memories to cherish and pictures help bring those to the surface. And we're going to laugh and we're going to smile and we're going to talk about that time at camp and life was good. And I am so abundantly blessed with too many amazing people in my life. So I want to try and hold on to them forever. So...

Take the picture.