Thursday, April 29, 2010

new goal

I did it. I made it. I made my weight loss goal. It wasn't really my GOAL. It was the weight I am at before I have another baby. I always want to be this weight before having another one. Which I have done....except for that Luke.

But what do I do once I hit the goal? I made a new one. Move the ticker another 5 pounds. Cause really I think my GOAL is 10 more pounds. Although I won't really know until I get there. I do not expect to have abs of steel (or any abs for that matter) but I do want to feel like me again.

And I really want to start running again. Really I have gotten this far without a lot of exercise. And before you proclaim how lucky I am, trust me. You wouldn't want the stress and all of the sickness I have dealt with to get here. SO here is to another 5 pounds. My hope is to get there before school is out. We will see.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

kisses and I love yous.

Will has always been an affectionate child. Right from the start he wouldn't sleep if you were not holding him. He always had to be holding your finger when he was in his car seat. He slept in between Scott and I for...years. He is a very loving and affectionate kid. Gets this from his dad.

Everyday when I drop Will off at his classroom I would bend over and he would kiss me goodbye. But one day he was struggling to get away. Figuring he was in a hurry to get to his friends and building blocks, I kissed the top of his head while he skidded away. After a couple days of this I started to get the picture. I asked Will if he didn't want me to kiss him in front of his class. He kind of nodded and said it is embarrassing. I said oh ok. And left. As my heart was breaking. I know he is growing up. His world is opening up.

Today I walked him into the school and bent down to kiss the top of his head. He dashed in and I turned around. Then I heard "Mommy." I turned around and there was Will running out of the room, hair flying and book bag flapping. He reached up to grab my shoulder, and I leaned my ear to him thinking he had a secret to tell me. He kissed me right on the lips and said I love you. And then ran back in. I was stunned.

After school I asked him why he did that. I thought that you were embarrassed I asked. No. Not anymore he told me. And I will take it. For however long it lasts. I will take it.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Home

Scott and I had a very small very apartment when we were first married. And I loved it. I am not sure why? The bathroom and bedroom were on opposite sides. Good thing the place was so small. It was a very long rectangle. The kitchen was so tiny there was hardly any room for the dishwasher. Scott nicknamed it the bat cave because the lightening was so bad. And did I mention the roof in the kitchen leaked and eventually collapsed. Twice.

But when we moved I cried and cried. I felt like it was home. Scott tried to convince me that we were moving to a better place but I never bought it. Our next apartment was awful and we lived there only for a few short months. Let's just say the dirty gross hallway and the neighbors left much to be desired.

So we moved into an apartment in Bakerton, my hometown and I loved it. I felt home. Perhaps that is why I was pregnant with my 3rd child before I thought we may have to move. It was a 2 bedroom place, but it was home. I remember laying on the carpet in the kitchen. I loved getting the 2nd bedroom ready for Will and then Rachel. Not that they ever slept in there.

I hated looking for a house. Hated it. Everything was awful. We found this place. Scott liked it. I did not. But we were running out of time and options. It was big like we needed. So we moved. And I have never felt like this was home.

Our realtor comes tomorrow for us to put this house on the market. We have had two house meetings for building. I am so scared. I hate change. But I can't help but think this would be going home. I would find a place of peace. I am praying that God would open doors or close them. That we would be at peace with this decision.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

All dressed and still can't make it

This is the third time this week where I have put on my work out clothes and have not gotten to work out. I am really really trying to get healthy. Although the bonus of losing weight is great too, I want to be "healthy." My goal was to start to become a runner. And I was really enjoying it- back when I got to run.

Because of Scott's schedule I can only go when he is home. Well, I used to be able to run on my treadmill too-until it died on me. That was one of the days I was dressed. And let's face it, a lot of times getting dressed and ready is half the battle. Once you start you just do it.

Then today I was going to try and go before Scott went to work. But I have a killer headache. When he laid down to take a quick nap I thought I would close my eyes for just 5 minutes and then go. I opened my eyes 20 min later and it was too late to go. Not to mention my head was killing me anyway.

Not such a great start to the week. And since this is "double dance" week, I have to take Rachel Tuesday and Wednesday. So I don't know when I am going to fit it into my schedule. It is hard to become a runner when you never have time to run.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Light

I was afraid of the dark when I was a kid. Very afraid. Isn't it funny that most kids are? What is it about the dark that frightens us to the core?

I remember we had a nightlight in our bedroom. Our, meaning me and my two brothers. My brother swore he could not sleep with the light on. I was near hysterics when the light was off. So my darling little brother would wait until I was asleep and then shut off the light. I would wake up to the dark. I couldn't breath. i couldn't move. I would drag myself up and flip on the light. Always making sure my feet did not touch the floor. I had under the bed issues to as a kid. I could fall asleep with the light on. Until little bro got up....again.

I remember reading a devotional as a teenager about light and darkness. It said that screaming and raging at the darkness will do no good. Slashing at it and fighting it will bring no relief. Now, quiet yourself and light a candle. Watch how the darkness flees.

Jesus is said to be the light of the world. The light that shines through our darkness. With Him, our true light, their is no fear. He dispels the dark. HE scatterers it. It has no power where he dwells.

That is what I want. A candle. A shower of light to dispel the dark. My Jesus. My candle.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

thinking...

It has been a while I see. Almost 3 weeks. My, my.

I have been quite the complainer as of late. And I am not saying I don't have my own struggles. But seriously...

A teacher friend got some bad news about her cancer. I sat and my heart broke. For her. For her family. Then others began to tell stories about lives cut to short. I run into children here and there with stories that would surprise any adult. I see families falling apart. I don't have it too bad at all.

Then I was talking to one of my closest friends at school. Amazing wife, mother, and teacher. We were talking about our faith. And how as working wives and moms, how stretched thin we feel. And unfortunately, it can be our Faith that often get pushed aside. After all, Jesus isn't waking us up in the middle of the night demanding our attention. He isn't asking for weeks of plans and creative centers. He just waits.

I love talking to this friend because she gets it. We talked about what is really important. Would people know we are Christians. I mean really bible believing followers of Christ? I would hope so. But I don't know.

I have made it a point to get back on the bandwagon. Every night I have been reading my bible and praying. Asking God to show me this day what I can do. What I can do for my family. What I can do with the kids in my class. I do not believe it is some accident that these children are in my care. What is it they need from me?

I asked God to open my eyes. Point them in the direction of my blessings and not in my shortcomings.

Friday, April 2, 2010

poked

I took Bella for her 6 month shots today. She didn't get poked because she has a sinus infection but I did! I had to get some more blood work done. Now here I am with a mountain of laundry. I SHOULD get caught up on that. But to be honest there is always tomorrow. I am getting the children dressed and we are going to the park.

I went running (ok walk/jogging) yesterday. My sister says jogging is actaully an addictive behavior. Seriously? People like to feel like this? But if I am nothing I am stubborn. Ask my husband. He will tell you ALL about it. So I going to continue. I want to be good at it. Well not like run a marathon good but not want to die. That being said I want to go again today.

Off to enjoy the sun...