I don't know that girl anymore....

 

I don’t know that girl anymore….

 

The girl who thinks she has all the time in the world

Another opportunity will come her way

The girl whose sound of her own laughter isn’t strange to her

She thinks tears are only for the weak

 

I don’t know that girl anymore

 

The girl who thinks she can never do  or survive that

Flowers and Butterflies  last forever

The girl where memories are gentle reminders

counts each day forward, not one step away

 

I don’t know that girl anymore

 

The girl who smiles at pictures

Doesn’t need to take a deep breath every morning

The girl who doesn’t twitch at the ringing phone

who isn’t painfully aware of the date

 

I don’t know that girl anymore

 

The girl who will fall asleep soundly and wake up with strength

Didn’t have to hold on a little tighter and a little longer

The girl who doesn’t have a lump in her throat.

Isn’t lying when she says “fine.”

 

I don’t know that girl anymore

 

The girl who has plans and expects

The girl who sees every goodbye as a see you later

The girl who thinks THAT was so important

The girl whose favorite time of the day isn’t bedtime

The girl who knew it would all be ok in the end

The girl’s whose plate of happiness didn’t come with a side of grief

The girl who wished on stars and dandelions

The girl’s whose heart didn’t long for heaven’s embrace

The girl who thinks it isn’t important

The girl who isn’t so intimately acquainted with last chances

 

I don’t know that girl anymore

 

I don’t think I am worse off for not knowing her anymore

I think it was time for her to go

Perhaps overstayed her welcome a bit

 

This girl who I know you think I should remember

But a lifetime has pasted and gone

 

I don’t know that girl anymore

 

 

IT IS TIME

Today in church we sang on of my favs- The Battle Belongs to the Lord. Weeks ago during a prayer service God spoke to me about this idea. I prayed and then on the way home He was hitting me with all kinds of (challenging) thoughts. I came home and wrote and wrote in my “God journal.” A journal I keep for things when I feel God is speaking something so me.

The Battle Belongs to the Lord. To be honest, I used to take such a lackadaisical (carelessly lazy) look to this. I would sing this and believe for this and told myself the battle is the Lord’s, not mine. He already has the victory. Then God slammed me.

 

Oh YES, indeed the battle belongs to the Lord. He has already claimed the victory and forever more will be the champion. HOWEVER, did you ever see that chapter in Ephesians where it talks about armoring up? Why do I have to put armor on if the battle is the Lord’s and I just have to sit on my butt and wait for it to happen?

Uh-huh. He is my commander, The holder of the strategy and the victor. BUT make no mistake. I have a part to play. The fact that the battle is the Lords doesn’t give me a free pass to sit idly by. I am a soldier. A WARRIOR if you will in the army of the Most High God.

Ephesians 6:11 says “Blessed be the Lord my Rock who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle.”

2 Timothy 2:3  “Join  with me in suffering. Like a good soldier of Jesus Christ.”

 2 Corinthians 10:4 – “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”

 

The battle BELONGS to the Lord, but make no mistake. You are involved. I am a soldier. I am part of the battle plan not because God NEEDS me to do something, but I have the privilege to serve.

The great news is… we WIN! BUT what part do you play soldier? We have to be listening to the commander to know where to go and what to do. He knows the plan BECAUSE HE WROTE THE PLAN.

Battles are ugly. War is often a necessary evil. We go to war not only for the good of ourselves but for those around us. Those we are serving for. Sometimes battles get bloody. Sometimes we hurt. There is pain. BUT we know that God doesn’t allow anything to slip through His fingers unless it is to bring an ultimate victory for the Kingdom of God.

I can’t see past my own life. I am betting neither can you. Or really do we ever want to? We live for what will bring us happiness, fullness, and contentment. But the commander can see more than we could ever imagine. The commander knows all the lives and all the plans and how to work them all together to bring the good. Not the good at the moment. Not the good that fills our bellies for the moment. He knows the plan that will bring about eternity for the most souls.

Sometimes soldiers sacrifice. Sometimes a soldiers have to go into the fire to save a fellow fighter. War isn’t always pretty and neither is spiritual warfare.

The enemy, the deceiver is more evil that any force the earth has ever known. He goes for the throat every time. He hates you. He doesn’t present it that way at first. Oh heavens no. He is the DECIEVER. He makes what he is offering look so satisfying and almost perfect. Just like the spider and the web.

Good soldiers know a set up when they see it. Usually because they have the Commander's instructions. As soldier, we know our destination and our goal,and can’t get distracted on what feels good now. We have bigger purposes and plans to line up for the future than to get bogged down in every here and now 

In spiritual warfare, we do use different weapons than on an earthly battlefield. Praise and worship to Our Father God regardless of our circumstances can weaken our enemy. Praying on all occasions the Bible tells us is top notch. Lately I have learned that obedience and forgiveness are special sniper weapons the LORD has given to us. Special in assignment but deadly when used.

What does the commander ask of me? Loyalty. I think you would agree that if you have faith in the one leading you, you will follow them to the ends of the earth and beyond. Who better to put our ultimate faith in than the ONE who made the sky and stars. The One who know the plan. The one who we KNOW has the victory?

I have to trust my commander. I have to follow Him with zero hesitation. If sacrifice has come to my life, I remind myself it is for a purpose. If pain, death, or sickness visits, I, as a soldier, know that my commander would never require this of me unless it was not of eternal importance.

The draft was last used in the United States on December 7, 1972. People were “forced” into service. Now, we sign up. We enlist. We sign our own name to that document that commits us to serve our home and commander no matter the cost.

Spiritual Warfare is no different. No one is forcing you to fight. You fight because you are called. You say yes because you heard a voice saying this is the way walk in it. You sign your name on the document of eternity that says I pledge allegiance to my God and His mission of bringing His people back HOME into a right relationship with Him- through the blood of our Savior that takes away the sin of the world and allows us to stand before a Holy and Righteous God.

I sign my name and strap on my armor. This is war. A war of all the wars. The ultimate confrontation of good versus evil. So many are being deceived.

But not you dear one. YOUR eyes have been opened. You know what is being asked. Not even death stops our God. He is unstoppable, untamable, and uncontainable. He holds victory as sure as the rising sun.

I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not sugarcoating it. Being a soldier of the kingdom of Heaven in this “in between” world will not be easy. As a matter of fact, the enemy makes it that way so you will turn back and abandon your post. He hits hard and strong BUT MY GOD HITS LAST.

As the children’s song goes, “ I am a soldier in the Lord’s Army.” I swear loyalty to Him for all of my days come what may. Circumstances do not define my assignment or allegiance. I will fight with the supernatural powers of prayer, scripture, worship, praise, obedience, sacrifice, and whatever else He speaks into my heart.

War is bloody. War is tragic. But sometimes war is the only thing that stands in the between evil overrunning the lives of the innocents.

Train yourself up for battle my friend. The battle truly INDEED belongs to the Lord. The VICTORY is already in the books. We just need to, as Paul says, “STAND FIRM.”

Lord, you are my ultimate Commander and Sustainer of this life. I sign the doted lines to enlist for Your army. You alone have the words of eternal life. For your good purposes, I take upon myself all that entails. I ask for Your Grace, Mercy, and Protection. I ask for courage, strength, and stamina. But most of all, most Holy God, I ask that you help me to see past my own fleeting life and into the eternal victory.

Time to suit up friends.  

Jesus is REAL

I don’t think this is a good book for me right now.

That was  my first thought as the introduction of my newly purchased audio book played on my way to work. It was called “The End of Me” from author Kyle Idleman. One of my all time faith moving Christian books is called “Not a fan” by him. I have read it countless times. I thought it would be a good pick.

 However, the introduction began with a story about the tragic lost of a young child. Immediately my breath sped up and my palm stated to sweat. Had I not been driving I probably would have shut off the phone in a reaction as sharp as a snake bite. But I froze.  

This is a conundrum of panic and living in the shadow of a tragedy. The conflicting feelings that you can’t be still. You want to run and run just so your body is moving so maybe you can shut down your mind. The second situation is the feeling of being trapped. Frozen. Your body is perfectly still while only you can hear the shattering bones and the screaming going on inside of you.

So I focused on my breathing, calming down, and continued with my hands on the steer wheel but listening to the story.  As I continued to listen…as God ALWAYS does….this was the exact book I was meant to listen to. The introduction told of how the author spoke with the man of the tragedy and how he said as life crushing as the situation was, it was here where he found Jesus. The author went to facebook and wrote “Jesus became real when….” He said hundreds of answers. Most tragic.

 When Jesus became real…..

 My eyes welled up and I  whispered “Jesus became real to me when.” -and spoke the awful tragedy. 

The introduction wrapped up as I pulled into the parking lot. The man explained that he had gone from a Sunday morning from time to time follower to a life sustaining relationship. The father claimed that prior to his 18 month old son’s accident “faith” was something that was always on the periphery of their family's vision. But now….Now….

He had encountered a living, active,ever present God.

When you hear stories such as these, such as mine, you think I can’t imagine,  and let me be the first to say you are right. You absolutely can’t. When your world suddenly becomes BEFORE and AFTER there are no words, no actions, no feelings that you ever had imagined. The world suddenly becomes so deafeningly quiet.

 

BUT GOD.

 

I had been a believer, Christian, Jesus follower, whatever you want to call it for decades. I had many of the moments the author shared that other had responded. I had come to the feel of Jesus over and over.

This was different. When Jesus goes from your religion, faith, and even ONE of my life goals to becoming the reason you can stand in the morning. My faith was never a secret and to the best of my ability (at least I thought at the time) I was attending church every Sunday, serving in children and music ministries. My Bible on my nightstand. Doing everything “right.”

When does Jesus become real? When something goes from a good idea to the ONLY idea.  When do you go from I am going to do this because of my faith to I am doing this to keep breathing? When does it go from I don’t have the time to I have nothing? What happens when your life takes a sharp right turn and you are blind sided by a semi truck?

 

When does Jesus become real?

 

When you come to the end of yourself. When you finally come to the realization that had been there all the time. You hold no power. Where you realize that there has to be more or this world isn’t worth it. When a pain crushes your very bones and taking a breath feels like slices of knives attaching your chest.  You need more. You need something. You find out that at the end of your abilities, thoughts, and life, you find Jesus.

When you come to “I have nothing.”

You come to I have Jesus.

There are the moments when during the after, as I clung to my family like they were my very substance of survival, God and I went to war with one another. I was at first angry, and no certain terms told Him that HE COULD HAVE,  but didn’t. I am ashamed of it now, but I asked God what Father does that? I ranted and raved. Sobbed and screamed. I tip toed into the land of "why would a good God _____."

I sat down and stared into the abyss. Silence. For only a moment, mind went to “is God even real?” The moment my mind uttered it, my soul sighed. As much as it hurt, questioning God for me is like saying the sky is green and the grass is blue. I am tethered too close for such nonsense. I have seen and heard God. I KNOW that God is real. But now, I had to rework my faith into what had just happened.

Jesus became more real to me in these last 6 months than my entire life combined. I wish for this pain to never be visited on by your family, but when I was broken and destroyed….when I came to the end of Theresa….There was JESUS.

Jesus became the force that kept me standing. He was (is) the name I would call out in desperation. Jesus became the center of the existence because if I didn’t have hold of HIS hand I was going to slip into the abyss.

I was not going to let the enemy win. I knew that I lived in the “in between” world that is cursed and scared by sin. I know this land is not my home. I know that Jesus NEVER leaves me and walks every step of my grief with me.

I am not saying it isn’t hard. I am saying I will sing worship songs to my creator with tears streaming down my face because my soul knows He is always good. I have proclaimed that I will praise him in the dark and in the shadow. When I don’t know the next step, I will praise the ONE who goes before me.

Tragedy and desperation have taught me that everything else is background noise and Jesus is REAL.

At the end of the book of Job- 42:5 it says this “My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.” If you know the story of Job. He lost everything and yet clung to God. In his desperation, the extras fell away until you were only left with the pure gold.

I am walking through fire. I smell the smoke, can at times can feel the heat, but I know I will not be burned. I am purified. Burning away all the temporary as I look to the eternal.

Jesus became real to me when Jesus became all I had. I came to the end of me, and He was waiting.

 Jesus, you are the LORD of my life and the SAVIOR of my soul. You have walked me through darkness and my foot has not slipped. I will declare your peace, mercy, and goodness as long as I have breath.

Friend, if you have questions, doubts, or heaven forbid find yourself in your own land of desperation, you are not alone. EVER. He will be with you until the very end of the age. If you need a friend to help, I’ll come along side.

Jesus is REAL. He is my everything.

Holding on

 

As he said to Esther, “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14).

I am not a fan of commercials on the internet. Especially when the same one plays over and over. There is this one that in the beginning it says "so you ever wish you could go back in time..." and then it gives me the option to skip so I have no idea what they are selling. Life lesson- say it in the first 10 seconds or its not important. 

Everytime that commercial comes on I answer out loud- NO.  I belong to team everything brought me to where I am for a reason so good or bad I wouldn't change it. I got my school picture on Friday (year 16 of teaching!) and I turned around to another picture I have hanging behind my desk. My very own first grade picture from 1986. You heard that youngins'. That's the 1900's. Every year, I swear, the children's eyes get bigger and bigger when I tell them my year of birth. This year a sweet little one asked if we had paper back then. SO....ADORABLE.

I wish I could tell you the amount of time I have spent staring at these pictures side by side. I guess it's because I am a very "introspective" person. Here is the fancy google definition- "someone who spends a significant amount of time examining their own thoughts, feelings, and motivations or looking inward to become better."  I just say I think about thinking too much. I just couldn't stopping staring into the eyes of that little 6 year old. I keep the picture there for a couple of reasons.

 1- It helps me keep my job in the proper perspective. I am not just teaching children. I am teaching SOMEONE'S CHILD. Their world. Each child should be treated accordingly.

 2 One of my sweet ones was having a rough day in which turn causes me to have a rough day. One of my little girls asked if I could tie her shoe. Of course. She said "you look like you are  having a bad day?" I said "No. Somedays are just a little harder." "She said I think it is because of XXXX." I answered, "Lots of things are going on today and we need to just keep smiling." This sweet little angel said "I think XXX is that way because that was the way God wanted them to be." I literally teared up. Yes- God makes us all perfectly the way we are. Even if we don't fit into the perfect mold. I whispered "thank-you" to her and she danced away. I doubt she will ever know how much that changed me.  

3. I was thinking to myself, if you had the chance, to go back in time (entering my husband's interest zone here), what would I say to her? If I could tell her one thing? She is only 6. A whole lot of the world is going to come hurling at her and she doesn't know it. So I stared.

I think I have finally decided what I would say to this precious one as I gave her a huge hug. "Hold on to Jesus. No matter what. Hold on." 

I have been a follower of Christ for decades but not always the most faithful. I am certainly not a baby Christian but had I held on the whole time, how much father would I be then?

It had me turn to the book of Esther. The story we all know that says "a time such as this?" BUT as the reading of the Bible always does, I learned something new just by reading the first half of the verse. The Jews would be delivered. Make no doubt that God is sovereign and although we like to think we have some control on this spinning sphere, He is the only with the plan. He certainly could have saved them in some cosmic miracle. He had before. But I have noticed something about God. Of course He could, BUT often times he leads humans to take the reigns. To be part of the mission and plan. 

God is so faithful. When He gives me the opportunity to serve Him, it isn't so this thing can finally get done BUT it is so Theresa can be blessed and learn something along the way. How many times I have came away from serving or speaking or loving like Jesus, and it was ME who was ministered to all along. I learn to love better, seeing people in a softer light, or even know that God sees ME.

I don't want to miss my opportunity. God is going to get the work done no doubt. I would be honored beyond measure if He used me in the plan to bring about His goal of bringing spiritually lost people HOME- into a relationship with Him. Every day. More of Him. Less of me.

So....little girl hold on to Jesus. Earthquakes will come that shake your entire world. Floods will come where you think you will never see dry ground again. There will be more than a few times, for whatever reason. you just want to let go and give up. Take the easier path for once.

Don't. Keep holding on to His hand. To His Word. His Spirit will go before you and beside you and behind you. He loves you so much. He SEES you. He told me that Himself. I can't promise perfection sweet girl or even comfort, but what I can promise is that if you keep holding on to that hand, in the end- it is all going to turn out just right. Better than perfect. 

When I looked back at that sweet little girl in the dress and crooked bangs, I think if she had a chance to tell me something it would be the same exact message. 

Hold on to Jesus. Just keep holding on. 

January