Counting for life

 I am just putting this out here cause I'm a writer and that's how I process things. Today my school had 2 amazing projects going on that caused a lot of adults to be in the building. I knew this. But why did I panic and throw up my hands in front of my kids as I walked them to specials? Why did I tighten the line up, scanning where they were and where the adults were? Why did I count my children over 20 times to make sure they were all still there? And then I stood outside the gym door until they were all safe inside with locked doors. Then I went back to my room and locked my door and tried not to have a panic attack. With all the voices in the hallway. Then I had to get them. I had already mapped out which halls we would take and what action I would take if needed. After walking very quickly back to my room -counting always counting- I counted one last time. And then locked my door. And my chest ached and my breathing was fast. How can you get PTSD from an event you have never been in? One child asks to go to the nurse. Oh no. Should I walk him with the whole class? That puts the whole class in danger again. Do I just send him out to the wolves? I let him go and say make sure I know the minute you are back.  Like I won't be watching the door like a hawk waiting for him. I spend my prep brainstorming ideas on making the playground safer or bus dismissal safer. This isn't my first rodeo. Every...time this happens teachers everywhere go through this. We suffer in silence while everyone else in the world argues over whys and hows and whats while it's our bodies that we will throw in the line of fire. It's our voices that will scream run and then mindlessly fall back on our endless training.  I just want you to know. I am sick of teacher bashing and hearing how broken of a system we have. Well that's because we are a broken people. And we have a world full of brokenness and not enough glue to fix. So I go on. With my nightmares, my planning, my nodding. I just wanted you to know the next round of bashing teachers rolls around. The over paid babysitter comments. The "anyone could do that" speeches. It is my honor to reach into the future like a teacher does. A blessing to have so many beautiful people come through your life. It is my please to watch children laugh and play. But there are the hard parts too. The dark heart of a person that wants to destroy our future, our hearts, our babies. Today was a nervous day. The next will be better. One day I may be able to go down a hall without counting. But not today.