To my baby

 My baby turns 18 today. He is a man. I can't go through pictures and memories because that might just push me over the edge of tears. I want this to be a celebration. A celebration OF HIM.  What a man he has become. To know William is to LOVE him. His heart has more capacity to love than anyone I ever met. He genuinely and humbly loves people. He also loves his Lord and Savior and for that I am forever grateful. In spite of my many failings, he found Him. He experienced Him. I have always said that I can nothing of the earthly treasures or accolades my children acquire, but for this alone I pray- that they would be warriors in the kingdom. William leads in a gentle but mighty way. For this I am blessed beyond measure. 

Many of you know the story of how a doctor misdiagnosed me and told me I would not be able to have children. So scared that it would never happen I quickly found out 2 months after my wedding I was indeed pregnant. I do not see it lightly that I have been called upon to be this man's mother. But he makes it so so easy. He never, ever goes without an "I love you mom" and "thanks mom." He ponders over his goals and the people he loves and always puts other in front of himself. He has a special GRACE upon him that sets him apart. 

I love my baby. He can turn 18 all he wants but he is still my baby. He will continue to grown in wisdom and strength, and he will still be my little boy. He will be holding his own miracle one day, and I will still see my blue eyes boy with a hand full of flowers. 

Thank-you God for the privilege of being called to be his mom.  I get teary eyes when I read in the Word that "Mary treasured all these things in her heart." There is a special place, a secret place, where mothers file away these memories. Where we get the chance to breath it all in and remember. 

How blessed am I? More than I deserve for sure. Happy 18th birthday to the boy who made me who I never thought I could be. To the boy who stretches me to be a better person without even knowing it. To the one who challenges me daily to be better, and do better. 

I love you William Alan to the moon and back and more than all the stars in the sky or grains of sand on the beach. You and your siblings are my greatest treasures. My most blessed part of who I am. 

Now go- and move mountains. love always, Mama

Wanna bet?

 I am not a girl of risk. Risk is defined as "expose (someone or something valued) to danger, harm, or loss." Why on Earth would someone choose to expose themselves to danger, harm, or loss. Ahhhh... For the payback. I am the girl that doesn't even play bingo or buy scratch off tickets. If it isn't a SURE thing, it's not my thing. 

The last couple of months I have had this on going conversation with God. After all the pain, disappointment, and death, I just threw up my hands and asked- He knows I am thinking it anyway- "Does it.....Did it have to be THIS way? I have been around the block and I get we need a sacrifice to pay the price, but this. Couldn't man at least have a slight bent to acknowledge the Holy. Their Maker. Does it have to be this hard following You?

What was really getting to me is with such reckless abandon people have forgotten Christ all together. And WHY?? FREE CHOICE! Now was THAT really necessary. I worked it out in my head. Why did you give us the choice. You knew we are creatures tossed by waves of oceans in our devotion. Why not just MAKE us?

 "Love is not love until it is chosen, sweet daughter." God created a people who would not be forced into a relationship or created for the part to eternality praise Him without their own free will to forsake it. They would have to choose to do these things. It has to be in spirit and in truth. This is where the big guy and I split. 

We see so much rejection of Christ. How many do not even give Him a second thought in their day. Forget spending time in His presence, we have Netflix to watch and phone games to play. We have other stuff to make us feel good for the here and now. As God and I are trying to strike a deal, I offer, we still get to choose but we are born with more of a bent toward Him. So we would know, but then COULD actively turn away. At least start on the right path and go from there. Some would stay- ones that maybe wouldn't  have come. He said no.

Then I get my whine on. God, don't you see this disaster? I am sure it has to be killing you, if it hurts my heart. These are your kids. They almost are skipping into the depths of hell. Then He answered this weekend, The Greater the Risk, The Greater the reward, 

I looked it up. He was right. It seems in the betting world, if you want big profit you have to be willing to risk big. That is where the value is, in the unknown. In the chance. Charles Swindoll said "If we want the advantages of love, then we must be willing to take the risks of love."

In this crazy betting case,  you get two outcomes -you win BIG- bigger than without risk. Or you lose BIG, because you were willing to put it all on the line. That's why. 

He wants all of you. He goes ALL IN. All His cards are on the table. His chips are in. I chuckled because I know I heard God say "Go Big or go home." He took a people he created and stepped back to give us the chance to make a choice to be with Him......or not. Not only that but His Word says in this life you will have problems, but be of good cheer, I have overcome them all. He already dealt with it. Sealed the deal in His blood. 

Now, it truly is our call. We can see what He has done. We can walk with our own free will into a relationship with him, or go it on our own. He doesn't leave room for a middle ground. The cross swallows that up. You will be either FOR Him or AGAINST Him. May I so humble say, if you are unsure, chances are you are not on the for Him side. 

Because those of us on the for Him side know it. I can't make it without my Jesus. My heart breaks for the darkness in this place that truly rips out the heart of the Father. His deal was simple and matter of fact. If I am willing to go all the way, without ever turning back- so must you. 

It creates authentic relationship. Based on mutual trust and love. I walked into this life. Eyes opened wide. Jesus said do not be surprised if people hate you, for they hated me first. Time for the church to be bold. To be stable. To be unstoppable. To be able to love people through it all, but not be quiet when the truth of separation of sin and darkness lays over your life. He alone has the words of life. 

After extensive discussion, I get it. His plan is perfect. He made it a choice so we could make it OURS. Not something handed over, but fought for.  He risked it all and placed the bet on ME! He will never force himself on anyone. But IF YOU KNEW! IF YOU ONLY KNEW. 

So I'm all in. I am figuring out what that looks like. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Sometimes with a lot of I'm sorries. But He is too Good to let me where I am. He has a plan and a purpose and you are in it. But you gotta put all your chips in. You have to step over the line. It's scary and sometimes feels like you are out here on a limb. But I KNOW that I KNOW, my Father is pleased. Every precious drop of blood given as ransom for me, I will rejoice. My heart turned humbly to Him to give praise no matter what season I am in. 

That was the word I came away with after my conference "risk." It's scary, but He is faithful. Please, please consider where you are. If you need someone to talk it out with, I am here. I don't have all the answers by far, but I can tell you what it is like here on the other side. I will not say it's easy. I will not say it solves all your problems. I will not say you walk around all sunshine and rainbows, because the truth of it is this is not our home. We are but foreigners and strangers, ambassadors of the Heavenly Kingdom at best here. My heart is elsewhere and so should my allegiance be. 

Risk. I don't know exactly what it looks like. But if You are there Precious Savior, Mighty God, Breath of Heaven, then I am all in.