And here he is

My throat burns and squeezes. Blinking rapidly and swallow quickly. I am in the spiral. The ugly cry spiral. I can try to head off or distract myself, but the truth is that I am not going to get past this one without a fight and a lot of ugly tears. My last baby is turning five. One whole handful.

Each of my beautiful babies are perfect. Perfect for the spaces they came to light up in our family. William-the first- we needed this boy in way I still can't fully see. He brought joyful light and humor. He brings compassion and empathy. He is kind and thoughtful beyond his years, and one or twice after too many supernatural episodes (and a bottle of wine) I ask him if he really is an angel sent to watch over us. Trust me- I could warrant full time observation of one of God's finest. He applies his darling smile and spreads out the word mom "mmmoooooommmmmmm" Then he throws this man of an arm over my somehow too soon too small shoulder. He is the first. He was the first to get on the school bus. He was the first I dressed up for a middle school dance. He will be the first I waltz with through giving them wings and letting them go, And yet...

My Rachel was-is -and will always be her own sparkle. I swore she was a boy.Right up to the moment she was delivered I asked Scott if it was a girl. The first of many, many things she has to fill me in on. She is my heart. She is my mini me. My heart. Everyday she forces me to look at things differently. She shows me goodness and danger. She is who I want to be if I ever grow up.

When Luke was born he didn't cry. I panicked and needed to see him The doctor was holding this precious perfect angel with gorgeous big brown eyes, and he was looking at me I took him, Kissed him. He just looked around. If Rachel is a spark, the Luke is the fire. He brings excitement. A new way to do things. A fast more dangerous adrenaline filled way, but a new one yet the same. Luke is the first one to say thank-you.. He runs out and carries groceries before anyone says anything. If Scott needs something shoveled, Luke is there. That's who he is. Waiting and Serving with a soft and tender heart as he every night gives me a hug and says "Good night mommy. I love you."

Bella is my firecracker. She is overflowing with passion and life. She does nothing half way. She laughs big and loves harder. She is loud, proud, and a fighter. That red hair of hers isn't just for show. If she has a point to be made you will know it with an extra dollop of sass and those hands on her hips. When you are with Bella, combing her hair, and listening to her talk, I feel like the student. We call Will and Bella the twins with their vocabulary, insightful ideas, and childlike goodness.

And Nicholas Paul Demi.

He is my heart, I knew he was my last I would feel kick from inside, try to stifle the hick-ups by eating carrots. The last contractions I could count. The last first hello. We scooped each other up and decided we would go out with a bang. Let him cuddle and sleep with me too long. Check  Hold his hand tighter. Laugh at him singing "the wreaking ball" song for the 100th time. I think so. I am going to let him be little for as long as it takes. He is my little buddy. He wants to go with me to the store so I take him. He likes to color in whatever room I am cooking in. He hasn't really discovered the "life" outside mom. As he grows and learns and changes....so am I, Saying goodbye to who I have been for a decade. While each accomplishment I will be cheering him on, but still holding my heart. Near or far, he will always be my heart. 

I love you Nicholas Paul more everyday. 

Happy 5th birthday!

Love you to the moon and back,

mommy