My little world

I hope so

2012-02-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

summer sick

2012-02-07T18:57:00.000-05:00

I am sitting at my table and my son is moaning. Of course he is doing homework so he is normally moaning.
Then he states that "I am sooooo summer sick." "What is summer sick?" "Just like home sick only sick for summer."

I agree. I was looking through my photo albums and seeing the shorts and the beach! This morning as I was digging for matching socks I declared that I cannot WAIT for flip flops and sandals. When I was digging in the attic the other afternoon, I ran across our summer box. Filled with items I so heartbrokenly packed up months ago.

But this warmer weather and birds chirping give me hope. During a team meeting at school, where we were talking about March and April things, I smiled. Soon, my friend soon,

Sooner than we think we will feel the sun hitting our skin. Grass tickling our feet and pool water splashing. Breathing in the warm, fresh air and just enjoying life.

Summer sick indeed.

Saint Francis

2012-02-06T20:51:00.000-05:00

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.
------- Prayer of Saint Francis

In a world so dark and dying, Lord may we light a candle. When it is most inconvenient or trying. When we have to make sacrifices and strength. Spirit come and be our guide and our helper. May we being peace.

100 days

2012-02-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

100 days of school...More than half way there! Aunt Patty helped the kids make these awesome shirts for school. Will was so excited he said that he could hardly sleep. He couldn't wait to show off his new shirt. And Rachel had to make sure that her shirt matched her project.

Here is her 100 day project. It says I am having a "blast" on the 100th day of school. Pinrest it is not, but she was happy. 100 stars for her rocket.

This was pre-pig tails pick. But I love it.

Thanks Aunt Patty! Loved it!

Marriage and Fairytales

2012-01-30T20:15:00.000-05:00

This is why God made little boys....

2012-01-29T17:06:00.000-05:00

Luke sitting beside me on the bed- "Mommy, I love you. You are so beautiful."
Me- "Thanks Luke!"
Luke- "I wished Daddy didn't already marry you."
Me- "Why is that Luke?"

Luke- "Cause I would marry you then."

Lukie and I camping- summer of 2011

Make over

2012-01-28T12:00:00.000-05:00

As I walked onto the porch I knew I was in trouble.The porch which I would refer to as "Freddy Krueger" drive was sagging, broken, and paint peeling. Did I mention it was a red brick house and the roof of the porch was painted pink?? The porch was, once upon a time, green. My husband thought the wrap around porch was amazing. We approached a (heaven help me) blue door. The sight seeing continued to included a room painted with white and pink stripes (uneven of course), a floor that could give you splinters, and a bright orange family room. I should mention I am only mentioning a few of the highlights.

My husband was sold. He told me that our future home had so much "potential." He could do so much with it. After moving in, we quickly figured out how hard it is to move from potential to wonderful. Lots of planning and work. We moved in 4 and a half years ago. We ripped off the porch thanks to some family help and repainted it brown. Redid the door, the floor, and painted almost every room. This weekend we are working on something I have been dreaming of....my bedroom. The paint is an awful dark green and a ceiling trim that is worse. We are going to paint and then get a new bed set!

Last night, exhausted from watching Scott work *wink*, I finished the book I had been reading. I looked over to my stand and say the book I had bought myself at Christmas. "Just Like Jesus" by my buddy Max Lucado. I did read the first chapter. Then I got so nervous I put it down.

You see, in the first chapter it asks how your life would look if Jesus took over for a day. A whole 24 hours. Would you do anything different? Would you change the way you talked or thought? Would you take on different tasks and forgo others?

It made me nervous because it brings the question of how much does my faith influence my daily life? Of course I go to church, pray with my kids, make the fact that I am a believer well known. BUT what about in the little things? Do I still harbor a heart of worry? Do I still act in a way that I wouldn't if Jesus were standing there? Am I devoting my time to things that have an eternal impact?

What does this have to do with Freddie Kruger Ave? A make-over, be it a porch, bedroom, or person, takes a plan and lots of work. I thought last night how I wish a change of heart was taken care of as easy as a trip to the hardware store. Sure, it takes more elbow grease to paint trim than attack a bad attitude. But give me elbow grease over self control any day.

I, of course because I am me, begin to ~~argue, whine~~, talk to God. I try. It is so hard. But do you see what THEY do? I kept reading and Max made quite the statement. It I am a believer I have it already. Jesus has already given me a heart like his. I just have to "tap" into that power. Flip the switch. Slowly. One step at a time.

A plan. To keep reading "Just Like Jesus" even when it makes me uncomfortable. Next step. How about applying a little of what I read. Lots of work? Absolutely.

Ending on an up note

2012-01-27T19:16:00.000-05:00

It has been a long week. Very long. Three out of the four kids have been down and out with the flu and strep. :( AND then Scott and I got sick. I ended up with a UTI, sinus infection, ear and throat a mess, and did I mention my back is out?

Let's look on the positive shall we?

This is William's spelling test for this week! Spelling is such a struggle for him (He gets it honestly! I HATE spelling!) But this is the second straight week he has gotten 100%. So proud of him and working hard! AND he brought his AR book home to read this weekend.

Bella is still not sick! No fever. No cough, snot, or anything! woo-hoo

I told Scott tonight that I was in the mood for chocolate. He didn't know what I wanted so he bought me one of everything.

I left my favorite for last. This is my husband. Do you know what he is doing??? Scrapping the horrible trim off of my bedroom wall. Then he is going to paint my bedroom. Hooray. We are going to have a new bedroom! After the paint, we are buying a new bedroom suit, and I am looking for a new comforter set. Sometimes happiness is just a coat of paint away. Or a really good antibiotic. Either will do this lovely Friday.

I have been hanging out in all the wrong places

2012-01-23T19:05:00.000-05:00

For a week, Luke has been sick. Temperature has been up and down. Figured it was the flu and it would pass. Sunday morning at 5 am Luke crawled into bed beside me and instant furnace. I took his temp. 104. I of course then called Scott who was driving home from night shift. We decided to give him Tylenol and then see. By the time Scott was home his temp was down to 99.

He seemed fine all day. Playing around. Around Four o'clock Luke came and crawled onto my lap and said he was tired. He fell asleep and I took his temp. Still 99. Two hours later he was on fire again. Woke up with a temp of 104.3. Off to the ER we go. I am really getting tired of the inside of a hospital!

After an icy ride to the hospital, a doctor who scared the tar out of me by saying "we can't see anything physically wrong and it isn't normal for a child to have a temp this long. We need to do a whole spectrum of tests", and half way through the NFC championship game, we found out Luke had strep throat. Good news really. Better than the stomach cancer I had been envisioning after conversation with said doctor.

When we went to pick up the kids at my moms, we heard that William was sick. Temp of 102. Today he missed school and went to the doctors to get his meds. Tonight....Rachel sick and sleeping for the last two and a half hours. Temp....almost 102. Bella is still holding steady. As well as Scott and I. I figure I will get it on Wednesday when Scott has to go back to work. Yep, I'll be sick and alone with the kids.

Winter...is it not enough that you cost me WAY too much money in heating bills, you are cold and wet, you are dark and dreary....but must you bring the never ending string of sickness with you?

55 days until spring. But who is counting? ....me.......

Cause she is cute

2012-01-19T22:35:00.000-05:00

2012-01-17T19:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Angel Face,

I went to my 15 week appointment yesterday. I laid down on the table. Nervous as always. My measurements were "perfect" the dr said. He then got out the doppler to hear your heartbeat. My heart caught in my throat for a minute. Right away we found you. "Baby is being very cooperative today," the dr smiled. "The heartbeat sounds perfect." "It sure does."

Truly you are my miracle. I know every life is a miracle. A blessing. I have to say with you, I see things differently. It wasn't like I hadn't know others with loss. Family and friends who I have prayed for and cried with. But you see, another friend lost her angel this past weekend. My heart broke again. Another sweet angel in heaven.

We prayed for you before you were ever here. We hoped and wish that we were pregnant. I took about 10 tests but no baby that month. I was so disappointed. The next month I didn't test a second before I knew it would be a for sure yes or no. And it was....a yes.

Mommy's stomach and other health issues were not so great, so the doctor ordered an ultra sound. Daddy and I waited for the ultra sound woman to say something. She turned the screen to us. Pointed to a flicker and said that there you were. "All there really is to see is a heartbeat at this point." I of course was crying "That is plenty." And at Mommy's 10 week appointment Mommy held her breath when the dr first found your heartbeat again. Listening to the steady rhythm I lifted up a prayer of thanks.

You will always be my miracle. You will always be my angel. You will always be my child, my baby. You were from the moment I knew you were coming.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

What happens when you get your appendix out?

2012-01-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

A promise to go to Chuck-e-cheese when you are feeling better. Plus, Rachel and William earned a trip back after first report cards came out. And since second round is coming any day now, figured we would get it in.

Bella approval.

Rachel was watching out for little sister on the slide.

Where a kid can be a kid. Daddy loves chuck e cheese promises.

Racing to the top.

Rachel was awesome at the basketball game! I was impressed!

Another shooting game.

Air hockey. Love it. One token and they play forever!

Blessings

2012-01-15T13:30:00.001-05:00

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Why I quit my resolution to meal plan and cook more....

2012-01-14T19:51:00.000-05:00

Dinner time.....
Rachel- *crying* I hate this! I hate eating

Me- "Do I ever make anything that everyone doesn't hate?"

Will- "Sometimes. Not often, but sometimes."

Me-"You know, some kids have mothers that don't even cook them dinner!"

Luke- "THAT.....WOULD....BE....AWESOME."

**************************************************

After that display, I don't know why I would be nice to them...But I am just that nice I guess.
Hot chocolate with extra marshmallows please. From now on, I am sticking with chocolate for dinner.

Bella says "Daddy cheese with me."

"Hmmm...This isn't half bad."

LOTS of marshmallows

He didn't start off with one marshmallow. That is how many survive the first 25 seconds.

more pictures of me!

Trying to suck marshmallows up a straw

What is for dinner? Chocolate!

2012-01-12T18:13:00.000-05:00

I am eating chocolate for dinner.

Spaghetti is made mind you. Scott even made homemade meatballs. But Scott has been on line with Verizon for over an hour and 15 minutes trying to figure out why my new phone won't connect to the Internet. So I wait for him to feed the kids. And the chocolate was staring at me. Actually it was in the shape of a firetruck.

Normally I don't eat such a lavish supper. But it has been a rough week. School-work has been rough. Things just not working out the way I plan. I have been sick (again). Disappointing when I was doing so well for that...week. Will is throwing up with the stomach flu and the poor kid still has pain from his surgery. I still (still) can't catch up from Christmas/Will being sick/me being sick. Did I mention my Christmas tree is still up? Good thing we got an artificial one this year.

Just feeling run down I guess. January is my least favorite month with February coming in at a close second. I hate the cold. The dark. The yuck.

Nothing is tragically wrong. I will live to write another day. But since I can't have wine by golly I will eat chocolate....for dinner. I may have ice cream later too. If I can stay awake.

ps- I did also eat some spaghetti and I took all of the stuff off of my tree. See? Forward progress....

Something worth fighting for

2012-01-10T20:54:00.002-05:00

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

*************************************************************
Somethings are. And somethings aren't. Lord, help me to remember which is which.

Can't we all just get along?

2012-01-09T21:09:00.000-05:00

I am a Pittsburgh Steeler Fan. I watch the game and cheer my heart out. I wear my jersey and my Steelers Santa hat. Of course I was watching as my champions played the Denver Broncos in the playoffs. And in case you have not heard, my boys lost. Of course, I was disappointed. But life goes on and next year will come. And me and my terrible towel will be ready.

But what really drives me crazy is the reaction of some people. Steelers are our hometown boys. I understand if you don't like football. Or if you root for another team for whatever reason. A player you follow or your family has always liked that team. Ok with me. But why would you purposefully root against the hometown team just to see them lose? Why make rude and unnecessary comments just to upset the people around you?

I check facebook and see all of these nasty statuses. I have always told my kids there is a difference between rooting for someone and rooting against someone. You can cheer for your team but don't boo the other. It just shows poor sportsmanship. I certainly won't jump all over your team. Point out the mistakes they made. After the game, I shook my head, but that was that. Certainly I didn't get online and start to attack Denver or anyone who was rooting for them. Certainly I won't tell anyone "boo-hoo" who was yelling and screaming and rooting for their team.

I guess the whole thing might seem silly to some, but I think it is just a ridiculous thing to get so immature about. I plan to root for Denver next weekend. I also plan to continue to teach my kids that it matters how you treat people all the time. What comes out of your mouth matters. Everytime.

Thinking about Hot Chocolate

2012-01-08T08:13:00.000-05:00

Rachel from time to time has bad dreams. I can always hear her coming. She wakes up screaming and running from her room into mine and jumps into my bed. Last night was one of those nights. Scott had already left for work at 4:00 a.m. WIll had also found his way into my bed. I moved over and wrapped my arms around her.

Rachel- "Mommy I was so scared."
Me- "I know."
Rachel- "Can you tell me about the happy things."

Rachel and I play this game when she has nightmares. At first, I wasn't really sure how to help her. Then I asked her to think about the happy things. I would list them for her. I would talk about fun things like playing barbies or dress-up. She sometimes smiles with her eyes closed. Soon she drifts back off to sleep. With the happy images, not her scary nightmare.

Last night I told her about building snowmen with carrot noses and coal for eyes and mouth. Having a snowball fight with her brothers and hiding behind the swing set. I told her about hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. Then she drifted back to sleep.

This made me think of a quote that I received through Joyce Meyer Ministries through Facebook the other day. "Cast out wrong thoughts! You don't have to think whatever falls into your head!"

I have always been a worrier. Thoughts will randomly pop into my head. Situations, past mistakes, and fears. Often times I dwell on them. Think on them. What can I do about them? And often the answer is nothing, and yet, I still dwell.

The answers is to cast them out. Don't think on these things. Let it go. Put some "happy thoughts" in my head. To me, happy thoughts are not snowball fights and snowman, although the hot chocolate would be up for consideration. But I can think about my awesome family. The blessing I walk through everyday. Past victories and successes. Maybe even have a little day dream that involves warm, sandy beaches and burring my toes in the hot sand!

The Bible tells us “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

It is my choice what I focus on. This doesn't mean I don't deal with the curve balls and sometimes derailing things life can throw at me, but when I can, I think of good things. Things excellent and worthy of praise. Things that draw me back to the Father and how thankful I am.

This is awesome!!!!

2012-01-08T07:37:00.000-05:00

Check this out. Because I would like to start working on relationships, I went looking for sites to help build up a marriage. What an awesome site to receive encouraging tips! AND she used my writing as a guest post which I find so exciting and humbling.
The Generous Wife

Where is your time?

2012-01-03T20:23:00.000-05:00

My husband laughs at me. I am standing at the stove stirring the soup, on the phone, and writing a grocery list at the same time. I hang up the phone and continue to give my son his Pre-spelling test as I move to set the table. The fact that I must be doing half a dozen things at once drives my husband crazy. The fact that he can only seem to handle one thing at a time drives me mad! If I tell my husband two or more things to do at once he gets frustrated. Then he says things like "I can't do it all. I am not you!"

Not that I come even close to doing it all...trust me on that! But I am busy. I hate to say that out loud because seriously, we are all busy. When a group of women all get together, I have noticed that as soon as someone starts spouting of the to-do list, another one says "oh yeah...well listen to all I have to do today." I am a wife, mommy to almost 5, I work full time as a 5th grade teacher, I do choir and nursery, I attempt to help my children the best I can with school and extra activities stuff. I am trying to plan more and clean more. Keep up to date better with things. All this being said, I am busy. As much as I hate to admit it....I have gotten to busy for my husband.

Once upon a time, when my husband and I were in a couples group, we had to make a list of our priorities. 1-10. I know my top three were 1. God 2. Husband 3. Kids... Then we were to make a list from 1-10 on the things we spend the most time and energy on. Ahhh... The results were not good. To be honest, I am not sure where he fell. Now that I think about it, I hope he made the top ten.

Scott is my number one human relationship. He was there before the kids and he will be there after. I guess maybe I think because he can cut up his own food and scrub behind his ears, that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. Or that he can wait. But he has been waiting a long time. 'bout almost 8 years I believe.

I need a change. I have read the books and done the conferences. I did the plans and the rest. But what I need to do is invest the time. I can say something or someone is important to me but if I don't give them the time they deserve, do those words really matter? I joined a 31 day prayer group. Button on the side here if you are interested. I plan to lift Scott daily in prayer to the Lord, and then give him my time. I also have ran across quite a few inspiring blogs that write about marriage as well that I am so interested in reading. I want this to be my focus. Because #5 is on his or her way. And the other 4 need a rock solid foundation too. And mu husband is a great man and deserves a wife who shows him how much he is needed and appreciated.

lies and coffee

2012-01-01T20:20:00.000-05:00

Will- "Mom. You lied to me. I can not believe it!"
Me- "What did I lie about?"
Will- "First off, you told me they weren't really staples, and I find out that they ARE really staples. Then you said they were strings and they are really called stitches."
Me- "Are you serious?"
Will- "And to think you lied. And all just to make a kid feel better....geesh" Shaking his head

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Bella- "Can I have some coffee?"
Me- "It isn't coffee. It is ice water."
Bella- "No, it is coffee."
Me- "Whatever you say."
Bella- after drinking "coffee" "Yuck! Bad coffee."

And a Happy New Year

2011-12-31T17:33:00.021-05:00

Happy New Year!!

I always like to go through my pictures and look at the year passing. What an awesome year we had! A lot of smiles and good times.

I kid you not...I did not take one picture last January and Febuary. Could have been the crazy snow storm...Could have been the fact that I couldn't find my camera...Could have been that I was napping my two least favorite months away. Anyhow...The rest of 2011.

March

Grandma turned 89! Apparently this at least was important enough to get out my camera! We had an awesome time getting together with my huge Yackuboskey family.

April

Easter Egg hunts! And I can't believe it was warm enough for no winter coats and there is no snow!

May

wedding season begins.

June

Tony Graduates!! We get a trip to Hershey! Awesome!

July

Da' Beach

August

campin'

September

School starts

October

Soccer Days!

November

Boy scouts

December

It has been a good year!

Happy New Year!!

A break to remember

2011-12-30T16:17:00.000-05:00

"Life is what happens to you when you are busy making plans"

John Lennon

Tuesday night I was planning out my week. Laundry, cleaning, and picking ~~through~~ up from Christmas. Scott brought William home early from wrestling practice because he was not feeling well. He crawled up into bed with me and had his hand on his side. I asked where it hurt and he pointed to his right side. I looked at Scott and asked if we should take him to the hospital. With a shrug from him and not wanting to look like a crazy mother *again*, I did what any Mother of the Year would do. I gave him some Tylenol PM for children to help the pain and help him sleep.

At 3 am when he was now crying in his sleep and gasping for help, I believed we may have a serious problem. Finally he fell asleep. I crumpled into bed after 4:30. Will woke up at 8 o'clock screaming again. Guess it is time for the dr.

When we went in to see the dr, I thought that he was seriously constipated. And of course gave my professional mothering opinion to the dr. To which he replied, "I am almost positive *big dramatic pause* that he has appendicitis." Where I then jumped out the chair I was sitting in and screamed "What? What do we do?" He told us to go directly to the emergency room. As I gathered our stuff I asked if I need paperwork. "No," he told us, "just go."

So we did. William, prone to worry in the first place asked what was going on. I told him his belly was sick and they will have to make it better. After hospital number 1 inspection we were told we needed transfered to hospital #2. After I asked if we needed a CAT scan the dr replied " I don't want to take that time." To say I was a wreak by the time Scott, Will, and I hit the room at hospital #2 would be quite the understatment. No crying in front of Will I just kept repeating to myself. Surgeon came in and said he would be taking him right up. He could feel it quivering under the skin and his white count was going crazy.

I dressed my son in an adult hospital gown and held his hand until it was time to be wheeled into the operating room. And when I waved and so did he we went to wait....for the longest 50 mintues ever. I know it is a simple procedure, Will is young and healthy, and chances are that everything will be great. But on December 28th, I never like to look at my chances of anything.

When the dr came out, I caught my hand quivering. He said he had done a great job. He was resting and we could go see him. When I went into see my baby he had oxygen on his face and so very pale. But the nurse assured me that he was comfortable.

The two days that followed were long and blurred. Thank God for my family that kept my three youngest. Truly this is a feat. All three of them from Wednesday until Friday? That is two nights for those counting. While I know they were in wonderful hands, I helped William reach for his cup, tip toe in the hallway, and give him apple juice in a straw. My heart broke when he cried from pain and I barely slept for two days. Probably a combination of sleeping in a recliner chair and waiting to hear him whisper mommy are you up? becasue he couldn't talk without it pulling. STILL having all day pregnancy sickness and my nervous stomach/IBS a mess.

Not that I am complaining. All I could think was thank you God that I am sleeeping in a reclinder next to my healthy breathing child. Thank-you God that I have this opportunity to miss lunch because I don't want to leave him alone.Things can always turn out differently.

I have heard the saying that having a child is like having your heart walking around the outside of your body. As I laid in the dark, begging God to take away his pain, I thought about what a high cost having kids really is. And I am not talking Christmas and College. Without question I would give my life for my kids. I would take their pain in an instant. I just wish I could build a bubble around them. Protect them from sickness, pain, and disappointment. Then my prayer went to mothers and fathers of children who are so very very ill. Some who would leave the hospital without their baby. How unfair life can be. When I think of all I have, I am so blessed.

Thank-God I took Will when I did. Thank-God things had not progressed. Thank-God for hospitals that get the job done. Thank-God for family who help in times of crisis. Thank-God for healing.

Merry Christmas from The Demi Home

2011-12-27T17:39:00.000-05:00

I took about 500 pictures this Christmas season. Every single one of them was adorable, awe inspiring, and priceless. Especially since they all include the people I love. BUT we only have so much time. But really if you are that interested, be my facebook friend. Here are a couple of highlights....

Aren't we pretty...Isn't it funny that my OLDEST will never look at the camera and smile. So...

I choked him. At Christmas Eve Service, in front of everyone. Yes, because the kid has been rasied to smile on command.

Christmas Morning. My Lucas relieved to find himself on the right side of the lists. It was touch and go there for awhile. I swear every Christmas, I think Santa should just stop at the stockings since they are so excited. I always have to REMIND them to look at the tree.

I guess this is understandable since Santa brings awesome pink goo in your stocking that makes awesome farting sounds. Rachel's new favorite game. Pull my finger.

Yes, a good mother would have combed her daughters hair before pictures. But look! New jammies. Ignore the hair. Again...favorite Christmas gift. A goofy thing in her stocking. Matching hair!

Daddy stealing son's gift to show him how it works.

Finally successful from getting it from Daddy.

Spy glasses with his spy shirt. He wants to be a spy when he grows up. Or a cook. He can't decide.

And of course...Go Steelers. That totally fits.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours. I hope that your holiday was filled with joy, laughter, excitment, and love. Certainly the kind of peace and goodness that only our Savior can bring.

run, run fast as you can

2011-11-16T17:21:00.000-05:00

“It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”

-The Red Queen

I had my ears pierced when I was 13. I remember that I was always worried I wouldn't turn them enough. So I began to twist them all the time. It is a nervous habit that stuck. Now I tend to tug at my ears when I am nervous. Which this time of year....is a lot.
I,of course, love the idea behind Christmas. God giving his son so that we could be found worthy. Truly amazing. Oh holy night is one of my favorite songs and nothing is as beautiful as a manger scene.
What I am not a fan of? Lots of presents. And insane "to do" lists. I wish it could come without bangles, bobbles, or trinkets. Guess I do sound a little grinchy.
But truly, each year I set out to make it simpler. And each year I feel like I am getting run over. Repeatedly.
I think I need a good Christmas devotional. Anyone know of any? Or some ideas on keeping it simple? Any tips on online shopping cause that would be awesome too!

Lazy, busy, or electronically illiterate

2011-11-14T17:38:00.000-05:00

I am not a fan of daylight savings time. Falling back...leaping forward....whatever. One problem is that some of my clocks automatically reset themselves. Some do not. So I spend the morning running around like a nut case trying to figure out the right flippin' time. Am I late? Early? Did I change that one? Did my husband? Can someone just tell me the real time.

And then it leads to this problem for a week....or so. Cause I don't change clocks. Kind of like I would let garbage fall on my floor cause that is not my job. Changing clocks is hubby's job. And certainly he never cares what time it is. He knows two times- time for work and time for the Steelers game.

This of course has to go with my little tech problem as well. You should have seen me pushing buttons and flipping out on my tech-no van. I seriously turned on my wipers, fog lights, and blared the juke box (who needs this in a VAN??) and still couldn't change the time. Although I figured out how to turn on the butt warmer in the van. Yes, I just said butt warmer.

I sit here staring at my clock on the wall. It is wrong. I know this cause my laptop DOES correct its self. I think about how I wish the wall clock was right and I would be that much closer to bedtime. I am annoyed that my clock is still off. But do I just up and change it? Nope. Cause I don't do trash or clocks. Or change oil, tires, or build a fire.

miracles and thankfulness

2011-11-13T14:12:00.000-05:00

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” — Albert Einstein

Last night my hip was asleep. Because a head was on it. When I lay with the three older ones to go to sleep, they have to take turns on who sleeps by mommy. And the one whose turn it isn't sleeps at my feet or with their head on my hip. We are a tangled mess of elbows, arms, heads, and blankets. I can't turn. Can't breathe barely. I think to myself, I have to get Scott to take a picture of this sometime. Years from now, we will look at it and laugh. We will remember how they would fight about whose turn it was. About whose turn it was to hug the top half or the bottom half. Years from now, I know I will tear up and remember. For today, I am thankful for a numb hip.

This is my 5th pregnancy. It isn't that I have not felt blessed each and everytime. It isn't that I have not realized that a baby is a miracle. But this time, when I looked down on the two lines, my eyes welled up with tears. Because I in no way deserve all of the goodness I have, I see, that I have touched.

I could go on forever. My husband who had flowers and Frooties (my fav candy!) when I came home from a work trip. My kids who always have me laughing. My family, my home, my job....my life.

But most of all...for grace. Receiving God's favor even when I don't deserve it. Going to the cross to save me from a life I would choose and deserve. But He stood in the way. Laid down his life....for me.

It is overwhelming.

This little one I carry has reminded me of this. Of gifts and blessings given freely. Reminding myself to say thank-you, be thankful. To not taken a moment for granted.

Staying in Motion

2011-10-09T15:17:00.000-04:00

     I have been sick. And I have done what all Mommies do when we are sick. Push on! Take dayquil! Do...not....stop...moving....least you stop altogether. You know the physics principle objects in motion stay in motion. UNTIL something acts upon them...like a sinus infection from the depths of hell.
     I have a fairly packed schedule. As we all do. Last Wednesday I had an appointment with a chiropractor. They took some scans and such. The dr asked if I thought stress was an issue with my headache and digestive issues. Could be. He asked me to rate my stress. Does it go up and down or stay pretty steady. Steady, as I am tapping my foot. All I can think about it that my youngest son's soccer game is starting in an hour and a half. Must get out of here. The doctor must have realized my impatience. He set down the big binder that was on his lap onto the stand and gave me a long lecture about stress and its effects on the body. Okey-dokey.
     I had been dragging all week. Falling into bed and sleeping like I was dead. Fighting a headache that wouldn't quit. Finally, on Saturday I had to take the baby to the dr. She was up a lot the night before and I had a feeling it was an ear infection. Thankfully husband was off, so he took the three to soccer while the baby and I went to the dr. I thought about being "seen" myself. Then talked myself into believing that I was fine. Just tired. Baby had an ear infection.
     After soccer and lunch, we all headed out to shop. We had to get costumes, since the Halloween stuff is already being cleared away to make room for Santa's and lights. DON'T even get me started on that one. As we were leaving the store, William began to scream about his ear. Back to the Medwell we go. On the way there, I was curled up in my seat, moaning about how bright the sun was. When we pulled up, I finally decided to be seen. Well, Scott decided that I needed to be seen.
     The dr looked into my ears. "You have a lot of fluid in here. Are they bothering you?" I shrug. He looked into my throat. "Stuff is pouring back there. Is your throat bothering you?" "I guess." He then started to feel around my face. Apparently, I have quite the sinus infection. Which he gave me quite the antibiotic for. Wow...did I get sick with that one.
     Today I feel awful still. But thankful for medicine. Thankful I went in and had it looked at. Thankful that my wonderful sister Patty and boyfriend Don took the kids to the pumpkin patch.

My baby Bella

2011-09-25T21:08:00.000-04:00

My Isabella Noel is 2......Did you hear the catch in my voice or see my chin tremble?

Dearest Isabella,

I told you last year how you are my sunshine. My sweet little angel. I know it is always said that time goes too quickly. And I couldn't agree more.

The night of your birthday I tucked you in. I kissed your cheeks and squeezed you for awhile longer. I smelled your hair and felt the weight of your head on my shoulder. It gets me when I think too much about it. You are getting bigger. You talk more and laugh more. Run to keep up with your brothers and sister. Fight for your turn or your piece. Truly, it seemed overnight you went from my baby to my little girl. I teared up, but took a deep breath.

Although I shouldn't say that. You will always be my baby. My soft haired, bright blue eyed baby. I kissed you goodnight. I pointed to my eye and said "I", crossed my arms and said "love", touched your nose and said "you." You laughed. I turned off your light and walked to the door and I hear your little voice say "mom?" I turned around. You pointed to your eye and said "I", crossed your arms and said "love", and then pointed to you nose and said "nose." And then you laughed, closed your eyes, pulled up your blankie, and wrapped your little arm around your new rainbow doggie. I laughed too.

What a gift you are. Maybe the first time you read this you might not get it. Only if you have your own sweet cheeked angel faced baby will you get it. How much you fill my heart. How grateful I am that I get to be your mommy. I love you doll baby. Happy Birthday Sunshine.

love,
mommy

A tale of two shoes....

2011-09-13T20:41:00.000-04:00

Good morning Monday! And yes I am aware that this is Tuesday, but this was what my feet looked like yesterday as I was dropping off the baby at my mom's. Yes, that is two separate shoes. But in my defense they are both black. The only reason I noticed was becasue I tripped on my heel. Only one shoe has a heel. The other is a wedge. I did have an extra pair in the van. I changed before I made a real fool of myself at school. Until I post it for the whole internet to see.

One of my bestest once said to me that as soon as we open our eyes, we hit the ground running. Especially now that school has started that couldn't be more true. I am not complaining. I truly love my job. Being a full time 5th grade teacher is something I wouldn't trade for the world. But there is no denying my world becomes (more) crazy!

I do as much as I can the night before. That means I have lunches packed, bookbags set, clothes laid out. Sometimes I even let the cereal bowls on the table! In the morning, I wake up first and get myself ready. Then I hit up the oldest child first and work my way to the baby. I wake them up and get them dressed, moving, and headed to the bathroom. We all move down to the kitchen where breakfast is eaten. We head to the front door where shoes go on and usually hair is done. Then into the van. Three stops later I am on my way to work. Apparently with matching shoes only some of the time.

With the start of school also comes dance, scouts, and soccer. I am still taking my ESL graduate course. It is over in November thank goodness. Choir starts in church.

Again, I certainly am not complaining. I love my life full, loud, and busy. My kids are amazing and they bring such color and joy to my world. I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I love my job. I truly feel like I make an impact in their world everyday. If only I could put on matching shoes I wold be set!

Freedom isn't Free

2011-09-10T16:31:00.000-04:00

He is a big boy. Frankly, pushing 30. If he ever sees this, he will complain. But too bad.

He is my baby brother. My other brother. We are 17 month apart. We grew up together. Had the same friends and played the same games. I remember screaming and fighting over baseball games as kids, but I also remember the day he stood up for me on the school bus. I always wanted the nightlight on in our bedroom but he said he couldn't sleep with it on. He waited until I fell asleep and then would turn off my light. I remember seeing him all dressed up for a Prom in a tux, and I remember the first time I saw him in uniform.

He is serving in the Air Force. Serving the United States of America. And as of last Tuesday, he is a deployed Airman. That means my baby brother is not in our country. He is so far away. Too far. He would never, ever call himself a hero and would flip out if it was even stated. But again...too bad. He is a hero to me.

He took a vow to defend us. To stand up and fight for those who won't or can't. For the kids who pledge allegiance to the flag every morning and for those who scream and curse at military funerals. For those men and woman who have greying hair now, but served so faithfully years ago and for rappers and songwriters who spew out garbage about a life they know nothing about. He defends the politicians who debate on the compensation he receives for serving and he serves those of us who wake up knowing that we can go where we want and say what we want without threat or violence. Our military who serves heroically, honorably, and faithfully. Without prejudice or pride.

To be honest, we are only as strong as those who are willing to fight for Justice. I have always stood on the side of respect and honor for the men and woman willing to serve. But it wasn't personal. Now my brother is overseas. I don't know where he is laying his head or what he eats for dinner. I don't know what he spends his days doing. I don't know if someone means him harm. Although he swears that he is fine.

Now I see. I see that he won't be home for the holidays. My mom can't pick up the phone and call him. We can't send him goofy pics of the kids. He won't send me a sarcastic text to this post. I am in no way complaining however. Some families have made an even more tragic sacrifice. Some people never got to plan the welcome home party I have stashed away in my head.

Freedom has never been free. Men and women have been standing on that line for you and for me since the beginning. As September 11th approaches, I look at all the heroes serving us that never hear a thank-you. And frankly, they don't even expect it. But today I say thank-you. To all of you serving in the military- My brother, my cousins, my friends. To those serving as policemen, firemen, and protectors of my freedom. I thank-you. I thank-you for everything.

Bitter Sweet

2011-09-01T23:44:00.003-04:00

Breathe in and out. One step in front of the other. After all, this wasn't my first time on the merry go round. I lay in bed for hours. Trying to sleep. Drifting off and on. I swear I am more nervous for this than they are. I hear my alarm go off. How can it be time for this already. And I am not talking about breakfast. How can it be time to put my princess on a bus? How did I miss it?

First days are so very bitter sweet. What an exciting time. It is so sweet to see your children develop into their own person. For you to look at this little person and see the uniqueness and the passion for life. It is so bitter though that they start to step away from you as they find this world.

It is so sweet to hear wonderful praises about your child. To hear how kind and compassionate they are to others. How they are making the world better just by bringing joy into it with their presence. But so bitter that you weren't there to see or hear it.
It is so sweet to watch them take their first steps into the world. To stand at the sidelines and cheer for them. To shout for joy with their accomplishments and wrap your arms around them in their disappointments. But so bitter to stand at a distance sometimes as you watch those steps. Bitter to know that disappointments will come sooner or later.
It is so sweet to learn to let go and trust. Trust that my children are in the hands of Another. That He will hold them in the palm of His hand. It is so sweet to trust that my children will carry my love for them in their hearts all the days of their lives. It is bitter though to know that I can't always control everything.

One the first day of school, I watch them. He is in second grade. Eating his waffles with his hair sticking up in the back even though I have tried to tame it. She is eating her English muffin with butter and cinnamon. Kicking her shiny black shoes and occasionally smoothing down her skirt. She is singing a song and he hums his own little tune. Oblivious to the life changing thoughts running through Mommy's head. I look at my sweet little babies growing up one moment at a time.

"Time to go," I say trying to chock back some tears. They put on their giant book bags. Smiling and ready to tackle the world....or at least the elementary school. Pictures and pictures. Then we get into the van. I walk them into the school. I notice Will is holding his book bag straps and not my hand as we walk in. That is ok....I guess. We stop in front of Rachel's class and I kiss her good-bye. As I let go of her hand but she takes my heart. I blink back tears and smile and wave. I pray that the kids will love her as much as we do and her teacher will think she hung the moon like I do.

I walk my boy to second grade. He reaches for my hand. Nervous. I squeeze his hand and tell him to watch where we are going so he can find his room. "Why?" he asks. "Because I didn't think I would walk you down here everyday." "Why not?" he asked. "I guess I could if you want," I told him. He looks up at me, something I treasure while I still can, and he smiles and says "I want." We arrive at his bright yellow classroom. I see familiar faces of his friends. I see little desks all lined up in a row. I know one of the desks is his. I hug him tight. Hold on for a second longer. He walks into his classroom, throws up his hands, and says "hello everybody." I chuckle as I walk away. As I walk through the halls, I pray for them. First for my children. I pray that for their health and safely. I pray that a passion for education will be instilled in their hearts. I pray that they let their light shine for everyone to see. That someday they could perhaps share their faith and love those who need it.

I walked into the school with two and now I climb into the van as one. I sit and buckle the seat belt. Suddenly everything gets so fuzzy. The tear slid down my cheek and onto my lap. My throat tightens and I gasp. Finally I let myself have my first day cry. I cry because first days are so bitter sweet. Bitter because I now sit here alone. But so sweet knowing how blessed I am to have these amazing kids in my life. Sweet to know how these children will touch the world. So very sweet to know that they will come home and still crawl up on my lap and tell me about their new friends, what they played, and what they learned. So bitter sweet.

We were campin'

2011-08-28T22:23:00.000-04:00

Things I learned this camping trip....

1. If you brush your teeth with hand sanitizer, it stays with you all day. No gum or breath mint can help.
2. Thunderstorms and camping with 4 children (and a dog) make for a very long day.
3. Don't assume "oh they can wear that more than once" or for a few hours...
4. Luke should have ice cream in a bowl not a cone.
5. Will likes hammocks...a lot.
6. Do not give Luke a rock...cousins get stitches
7. Rachel still wears a dress everywhere. Even in muddy, rainy campin' weather. And if you try to talk her out of it, she will glare
8. Bella will disappear if your gaze wonders even to the fire and back. Usually though if you find David you find her
9. My husband and BIL may start a scooter club. Sorta like bikers only they ride pink scooters and pick up old women.
10. I actually had fun...perhaps we will go again.

BFFs for life

Me and my baby boy Will

Andy and Faith saving the day by killing the bees.

Hanging on the hammock

The glow thingie Daddy gave her

The twins...Luke and David

Our crew

Jenn loving the book

Rain rain go away!

Yep...Andy built a zip line..oh another thing I learned. Don't invite host's daughter to campsite if you intend to climb high into trees and hang a nice, steep zip line.

Beautiful Angel

Daddy and his princess

Issac giving me his happy campin' face!

My miracle

2011-08-21T21:15:00.000-04:00

I woke up with a gasp, sat straight up, and grabbed my quite swollen stomach. It was not the baby who had awoken me. It was a dream. A reoccurring nightmare of sorts. Scott jumped as well asking what it was. In a loud sob I exclaimed "They are going to kill him." And I prayed. "God please help. Help him. Save him. Do what ever you have to do in his life, but spare his life. Spare his life."

I was up then. The dream, if you want to call it a dream, always left me with a coldness that refused to leave. It was about him. He was in a room. A group of them were in a dark and cold room. Drugs and drug stuff scattered around them. The shadows drew my attention. The shadows seemed to move the hands. The faces of the people looked so lost. So dead. My heart burst open. I walked out into my living room. I wrapped a blanket around me and sobbed. I prayed and held down the vomit rising in my throat. I saw looking so lost and so void of hope. He was stuck. He was dying.

I loved him so much. But he wasn't the kid I grew up with. Sure, we had always had our differences. We were both stubborn as mules. We both stood our ground. He went one way and I another. I couldn't tell you the day or the time when we lost him. But I knew we had.

He carried death in his eyes. We saw it coming. I often would say to my husband "He is going to die. I see it." And then I would pray and beg for mercy. "Take anything from him you need to get his attention. But spare his life." He would come to my house. My eyes always went to his arms. Did the marks look new? Look to his eyes. How red were they? Listen to his voice. Was he going to be ok? I never liked the answer my heart gave.

I would prepare myself for bad news. I started refusing to answer the phone. I told my husband that he could be the one to break the news to me. That he was gone. Every time the phone would ring I would stop breathing. I would picture the funeral in my mind trying to prepare. What would I do to help my mom? What would I say. I knew death was so close. The fear would be paralyzing. A cold dark shadow that was squeezing out his life and tugging at everyone around his.

I got a phone call at work. From my husband. He had been taken by ambulance. He knew nothing other than that. Although he didn't seem good. I rushed home. I tried to get ahold of my mom and nothing. I went home and laid on the couch. Holding my stomach. Trying to calm myself at least for the baby's sake. I tried to tell myself it would be ok. It had to be ok. A knock at my door. I ran. My mom. How did I know, she asked. He was at the hospital. They brought him back. I put on my shoes and out the door.

When I saw him my heart broke. He was arguing that he was fine. He had hit his head and nothing more. The doctor knew. The police asked him if anyone had forced him to take anything. No was his answer. They left. And then us. Suddenly my relief was flooded with anger. I yelled "How could you keep doing this to us? What is wrong with you?" He looked at me with such anger. His reply. It is my life. It has nothing to do with you. Nothing....

I went home. Sobbing again. Praying again. Wanting for this to be over. And yet so badly not wanting it to be over. "Save him God. Where are you? Help him. Spare him."

Days, weeks, months came and went. Time passes even when you think it never will. Finally, I get a call so very early in the morning. Please bring money. If I didn't, he would be stuck there for a long time. I wanted so bad to help him. So bad to save him. "I can't. I am sorry." He said, "Okay, I guess it might be awhile before I see you again." I hung up the phone and cried. Cried so hard into my pillow. "God help."

My mom goes to see him. He has made a decision. He is going into treatment. If he didn't do something he knew that he would be dead. For the first time in years, I took a deep breath. "Please," was my only prayer.

Almost 2 years later, he was coming home. It used to physically hurt to look into his eyes. Before help came, his eyes were dark. Deep. Dead. Of you looked at him, it was like looking at a ghost. Someone who had nothing there. And now, as I looked at him, another sob caught in my throat. His eyes. It was almost unreal. The light. The newness. The life! The scars had closed over and healed. There was something about him. He was here. He was whole. And all he could say was "All Glory to God." He was lost but now he is found. He was blind but now he can see.

"But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." Luke 15:32

Another year later and I thank God everyday. He is new and whole. He laughs and sings. Hold my kids close and offers help and encouragement. Reaching out to the lost and telling others of the good news he has found.

Do I believe in miracles? Of course. I have seen him.

I am amazed by you....

2011-08-17T20:15:00.000-04:00

This post is linked to Mommy of a monster and Twins for her Down the Aisle link up...

This is my favorite wedding picture

I love this picture. My whole wedding day was like a dream. I remember waking up and thinking I never have to say goodbye again. As Scott and I were dating he would come and hang out with me at my mom and dad's house. It would be time for him to go. We wouldn't want to say goodbye. We would stand at teh door forever. Then when he left I would run to the window on our steps to watch his truck pull out. He would look up to the window and wave. He got in his truck, would honk three times (I love you), and off he would go. But after today, we would always be together.

I woke up and went to get my hair done, get dressed, have lunch, and head to the church. I smiled and laughed. At one point my rings were dropped or lost. "Chill out," I told everyone. Not a big deal. We found them. The cake fell over. "It is just a cake," I said. And trust me when I say this was not me. I am normally an anxiety ridden mess. No comments from the peanut gallery.

But not today. Today would be wonderful. Today would be the day I had waited for. I was marrying my best friend. I knew no one could ever love me like he did.

I remember worrying about that first dance. I normally hate it when people are looking at me. I was worried that I would be a mess during that dance when ...everyone is watching you. But not on this day.

We danced to "Amazed" by LoneStar. No one else was there. Just me. And him. And I never had to say goodbye again.

Will you catch me?

2011-08-13T23:05:00.000-04:00

"You have got to be kidding me right?" Do you use quotation marks when talking to God? Cause that is who I was addressing. Sweat was pouring over my forehead and into my eyes. I pushed up at the helmet for the 3rd time. What am I doing wearing a helmet? I don't do anything that would require a helmet. I checked my harness (another thing I shouldn't be wearing), checked my shoes, took a deep breath, and started to climb the telephone pole.

This wasn't the first time God and I haven't seen things eye to eye. Let's back up. I became a Christian at summer camp. I had a very solid foundation up until then, but it was that day before my 16th birthday that it all came together. I will have to tell that story sometime. This story is between me and the big guy and wondering what He was thinking.

I decided that I wanted to be a camp counselor. I sent in the application. I went to the interview. I wrote down my three choices in order of preferences. 1. Westley Woods (this is where I became a Christian) 2. Camp Allegheny (the place we went on retreats) 3. Jumonville (which up until I filled this list out, I had no idea existed) Finally, my letter arrived. I got the job!! At Jumonville??? What? So I had a conversation with Kathy, the head honcho. She told me that she prayed about it and really felt God wanted me at Jumonville. Really? "Ok God, Let's go."

I packed up my stuff and headed to training at a place I had never seen. Far away from my home (only 2 hours but still!), and where I knew not one other person. When I got dropped off I remember watching the vehicle drive away and tearing up. Then I felt my heart stir. I knew this is where God wanted me. I knew I was going to spend this summer working with kids and sharing my faith. I was going to be ok. Better than ok.

Then I went through training. Rock climbing. High ropes course. Rapids? Of course the Lord and I had another chat. I complained and He listened. By the end, I knew I was suppose to be there. BUT I got my assignments. I requested all nice easy camps. Like a crafting camp. Sampler camps. On my paper, adventure camps. Lots of them. And a camp called 4 R's- rustic, river, rocks, and ropes- (yes I know that is not in the right orders. I have another story about that one.) Again, I talked to Larry- Jumonville's head honcho. He said that he too prayed about it and thought this is where I was suppose to be. How? The very place I feel I am not suppose to be, so many think this is where I should be? Now, I was not happy.

Here I am at the bottom of a telephone pole. I was told that I was to climb the pole, stand on top of the pole, and then jump....and try to catch the bar. Seriously God? Seriously. This is not what I signed up for. I started to climb up the pole arguing the whole way. "I wanted to lead Bible Studies and prayer. I did not want to wiggle into a climbing harness. I didn't want to wear a helmet. I wanted to sing kum-by-ya.! Okay not really. I really don't like that song. How about my God is an awesome God." And there I was at the top....

Everyone below was cheering. The person holding my rope was now giving me directions. "Now, just put one foot on top. Get your balance and then push up and bring up your other foot. Then stand."

Then stand. WHAT?? I couldn't even breath. My chest was squeezing. My feet were glued to the step. Although my knees were shaking. "I don't want to do this," I whispered so quietly I know only God heard it. Cheering and directions continued down below. I was crying on top (although not quite at the TOP) of a telephone. Now I was really not happy.

I was simply out of words. I didn't understand. Why was I here? Why am I doing this? What good is this going to do? But sometimes in a desperate hour God speaks. Not in such a loud "I am God" voice. But a quiet answer to my wondering heart. All of the sudden I felt like I can do this. I felt like I should be here. I remembered God's promise to always be with me. And when I am not enough, His Grace will be. He will always catch me. I can do this. With Him. So I did it. I put on foot on top of a telephone pole. And I took a deep breath. I double checked with God if He really wanted me to stand on a telephone pole. He did. I planted my right foot, pushed and brought up my left. I stood up. I stood up

Now what?? Everyone was clapping and yelling. I was so shocked that I was standing here. Never, never did I ever think I could do it. And I was standing here. I guess the only thing to do was...jump. So I did. I jumped. I missed the bar! But I didn't die either. So I say win-win.

Over the two summers I was on program staff and a couple others as a 4R's volunteer (I will tell you that another day) I learned that things are not often what they appear. My "pamper pole" as it is called really isn't just about a long climb with a jump at the end. For some people is about over coming fear. Or doing something they never thought they could. For this kid, it was about trust. Did I or did I not trust God to put me exactly where He wanted me. Did I really think it was better to put my 2 cents in or just let go and let God? To trust that He would never leave me, never forsake me, and would always be enough.

Those two summers plus some that I spent at Jumonville were some of the best of my life. I knew I was exactly where He wanted me to be. Each week. I did get to sing (Kum-by-ya at times), lead Bible Study, and lead campers in the prayer of salvation. I also rock climbed, biked up and kayaked back, camped under the stars, got bee stings and sun poisoning...and loved every minute of it. There is something so freeing and so right when you are standing in the will of God. If I never would have let go and never would have jumped, I would have missed it. Missed so much. I am glad I went. So glad that I jumped.

The Jumonville Cross

Cause they didn't have computers when I was in school**

2011-08-09T22:54:00.000-04:00

Scott- "Will you listen to me?"
Me- Looking up from book "You were talking?"
Scott- looking at me with the death stare "Look at these phones and pick one. You said buttons on your phone don't work and your contract was up last month."
Me- "Pick me whatever."
Scott- "You can't just pick whatever. It is your phone. You have to look at the specs. This one has blah...blah...blah.." blah blah blah were not his actual words, but honest to heavens I couldn't make out what he was saying Are you listening to me."
Me- "I don't know what you are talking about? I just want to call from it and text."
Scott- "But this one has blah mega bites and you can check your email."
Me- "unnecessary."
Scott- "This one you can video chat from."
Me- "unnecessary"
Scott "You can multitask from this one."
Me- "Necessary in life...not from my phone.
Scott- "This one."
Me- "That is huge! I am going to look like an idiot with that up to my ear!"
Scott- laughing (better than death stare)- "You use a blue tooth."
Me- "A what?
Scott- "A piece you stick into your ear to hear."
Me- "Does it have a cord? Cause I would look less stupid holding it up. And why is it called a blue tooth if it isn't blue and you stick it in your ear not mouth."
Scott- back to death stare- "No there is no cord. This one is smaller but it doesn't have a camera."
Me- "Then no way. I have to have a camera."
Scott- "That was not in your original list of demands."
Me- "I assumed that was implied."
Scott- really frustrated now or maybe he is just grumpy ;) "This one has everything you want. And it isn't big. And it will be free for you without a mail in even."
Me-"uummmm....I don't know if I like how that one looks...."

**That isn't exactly accurate, but we didn't have one in my house until college. I typed up all of my high school papers on a typewriter. I am not a fan of change and technology is always changing. Too much to keep up with. And Scott likes this stuff. Another reason why we work. :)
ps- I still don't have a phone yet

where can I go?

2011-08-07T01:45:00.001-04:00

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I rise on the wings of dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say "surely the darkness will hide me and the light will become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark for you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting,"
Psalm 139: 7, 9-12, 23-24

Always a trip with us

2011-08-06T22:37:00.000-04:00

I spent a nice time on the phone with my sister in law as we talked about the kids and the ~~insane~~ curious things they do. Then I had to go cause we HAD to go to the dollar store. As I was getting the kids ready I knew before I even left that this would be a blog worthy trip. But aren't they all?

First the reason we HAD to go to the dollar store. The children were helping me "clean" today. They were told to pick up all toys on the tv room/computer room floor. They decided it would be a lot more productive (or fun if you are a child) to take every...single....baby wipe in the house and clean then floor. Around the toys mind you. The toys still never made it into the bins. Reason number 2. We had rice for dinner. When we have rice for dinner, a good bit always ends up on my floor. I went to get the broom. Only found the top. Either my children or my husband (as the kids claim) took apart my broom to put the long stick part in the middle of my treadmill to hold up the blankets for the fort. At least we are finding some use for the large piece of exercise equipment. But now the broom no longer goes back into one piece. We also needed bubble bath and disinfectant wipes. The important things in life.

I yell for children to get dressed as I move laundry from one machine to the next. Luke comes down with shorts and two night shirts on. "Why do you have two nightshirts on?" "Cause I like them both." pause. "You can't wear them. Please go put on one shirt." Will come down with one shirt and no pants. "Will, you have no pants on." He looks down. "oh." Goes back up stairs. Rachel comes down wearing just the bottoms to a bathing suit. Apparently she tells me that her bathing suit bottoms are "prettier" than her underwear. "And where are your clothes?" "I am finding a dress mom." Whatever. Will comes down wearing his dad's shorts. "Will, those are Dad's. Didn't you get the clue as the bottoms of them are brushing the tops of your feet?" "Oh." "Whatever. shoes and let's go."

We arrive at the dollar store. We walk through the parking lot and to the door (all 5 of us). I look at Rachel's feet. No shoes. "I forgot them in the van." Why did you take them off? I look at Will's feet. One blue flip flop. One black flip flop. Both for the LEFT foot. Back to the van to at least fix Rachel's foot problem.

We literally burst into the store. As I lift Bella into the cart the children are off and running...to the toy aisle. I chase them down, and put Luke into the cart. Better to just start off right. We were the only ones in the store and it sounded like a circus had just entered the building. I won't give you the play by play but the highlights.

* We went into the school aisle and Rachel said she needed a new Diary. Ummm..no. To which Luke began to yell at the top of his lungs "I want a diarrhea. I need new diarrhea. My oldest son thought this was the funniest thing ever. And if you have ever hear Will laugh, you know how that went.

*Bella was holding the box of Scooby Doo fruit snacks. I had to say please don't eat that box 5 times. When we went to check out, she had eaten the bar code off the box.

*William loves to sing. Loud. In random places. Not sure if he realizes the rest of us can hear him. He broke into song in the cleaning supply aisle at the same time Luke decide to start bellowing. Bella must have thought someone was hurt because she started to fuss. Rachel took this opportunity to fill the cart with cleaning supplies. Christmas in August for her.

*This conversation. Will- "We should buy Bella two things. Since this (a ball) is only a dollar. We should buy her this doll for 3 dollars. It would only cost you 4 dollars." Me- "For someone with no dollars, you like to talk about spending dollars a lot. Will- "Your dollars are my dollars."

*When we went to the check out, the ball Bella had been holding rang up and said it couldn't be sold. She said it must be a recall or something. On a ball?? Try explaining to the not quite 2 year old that she can't have that now. Had to get her a princess balloon.

*Cashier asks the famous "Are all of these kids yours?" Ignore many responses that come to the front of my mind. Smile "Everyone of them."

* Will throws himself into the door for good measure as we leave.

Good times my friends. Good times.

VBS- Trinity style

2011-08-05T22:45:00.000-04:00

I always loved VBS as a kid. LOVED it. I loved the songs, games, crafts, and lessons. I always wished it could be longer than a week. And then I got a couple more candles on the birthday cake and became a leader and realized how much WORK VBS is. Now, I love that my kids love VBS. I love the way they come home and speak their faith in such sweet and simple terms. The house is filled with the verses and songs sung there. I owe a debt of gratitude to the people making this possible for them. So...without further ado, the cast and characters.

This is Queen Jenn (It was a castle and armor of God theme). She is the VBS Goddess and my SIL. I kid you not. Jenn is the heart and soul of VBS. She wrote and directed this year's week long program. No one does VBS like this girl. I know cause I was her second in command for a time. A couple fabulous things about Jenn.... I always said that if you want something done, go to Jenn. She gets it done. Anything. She doesn't go half way either. VBS decorations? We aren't talking your average marker and glue set here people. This woman builds volcanos, palm trees, reconstructs cities. What makes it so wonderful is that she does this all for the kids. She wants this experience to be amazing. Not just a good time, but a life changing "remember that VBS" kind of time. She loves the kids. She loves what she does. She doesn't get half the credit she deserves. She fills the gaps when needed and supplies all of her time and energy for the cause of Christ. I am so proud of her. She rocks!!! And has a pretty cute brother too... (my husband of course!)

Two of my brother in laws here.

And yes they are single. And yes, they have a heart for God and for his children. They did skits and taught classes. A-MAZ-ING. The kids love them and what an example they are setting for the young boys (and frankly all of us!) I love it that my kids have these guys to look up to.

This is Micah...speaking of helpful, wonderful man of God! Again, there for the kids! That is my FIL, Pastor Paul also.

Andy, another BIL. Married to the VBS Goddess. Which means this man is on the front lines. Always ready to build a mountain, horse, signs, and whatever else. As you can see he also does skits and teaches as well!

I wish I could have gotten more pics of all the wonderful people who help. Like Cookie and Shylah who lead music. All of the young adults who helped with class and everything. The other adults who led classes. To be honest, I am not even sure who all was there since I wasn't this year. But each and every person who contributed to this week, I thank-you. As a parent, I commend you all for the time, energy, focus, prayer, and more that goes into VBS. You may not receive all of the thanks you deserve here on earth, but I know that all heaven was clapping....watching...as these little ones shared with us tonight all they learned as a direct result from all of your efforts. Great job!

For Princess Kadie

2011-08-04T22:29:00.000-04:00

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=118384718257605

Because life isn't fair. And sometimes Angels don't stay long enough. Because my words sound empty even to me.

"The Lord is my shephed; I have everything I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength, He guides me along right paths

bringing honor to his name.

Even though I walk through the valley of death,

I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the prescence of my enemies.

You welcome me as a guest, annointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

Surly your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

all the days of my life

and I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

Psalm 23- New Living

some help

2011-08-03T19:41:00.000-04:00

We have ants in our kitchen. I am not of fan of ants. I was going to say "I am not a fan of ants in my kitchen" but let's be honest. I am a step on the ants on the sidewalk kind of girl. Cause really, what good are ants??? Don't google that and come back and tell me. I am really not that invested in it. And I will still step on them.

Husband has tried quite a few things. But they still return. Of course, if the maid would keep up with her duties and keep the floor sparkling that would help. But I know the maid....personally. And she is not going to be upping her duties anytime soon.

I go into the kitchen and find the yellow brick road. Or a box of goldfish crackers smashed into a trail. Right across my kitchen and leading to the door. After gathering my ....thoughts, I ask my two darling children sitting on the floor next to the road what it is they are doing? "We are helping mom," explains the Luke-man. "We thought we could trick them into leaving the house," Rachel calmly explains.

Ahhh...yes. The old trick the ants. Smart kids I got here. ;)

model

2011-08-02T21:28:00.000-04:00

I have never had any desire to be a model. I know, I know. I sooo have the potential. Except I love to eat. And that whole when lots of people are looking at me I break out in hives and lose my ability to speak...and breath. But because I am a mama, I am a model. Someone is always watching.

We have been introducing Isabella to the potty. Twice today she sat down and peed in the potty. But the thing is, she needs someone sitting on the big potty beside her. Some people like magazines or books, but Bella likes company to sit down with and have a chat. Someone to show her how it is done. Tonight when Scott went to pick up the kids from VBS, Bella came into the kitchen and said "pee mom." I walked into the room and she sat on her potty. She tapped the big potty beside her and said "pee mom." So I sat. She looked at me and smiled. Then she balled her little fists up and began to make weird and loud noises. She gets that from her father of course. She didn't go that time, but she got up and wiped. Smiled and got her diaper.

When I was pregnant with each of my kids, I wondered about what they would look like. Would they have my eyes or Scotts? What color of hair? When people looked at my child would they see me? Would they see him? What never occurred to me is who they would sound like.

Imagine my pride when I am in the next room and I hear my children playing nicely. I hear them calling each other the pet nicknames I call them. When we pray together, I hear them repeat my phrases and thankfulness. I hear them talk tell other people that "Mommy says we should share cause that shows that we care about other people." too sweet.

Imagine my horror when my kids are not being so sweet and sensitive. When I hear them repeat something I shouldn't have said. When I hear the TONE in the voice. Sounds just like her mother. Her model. Her example.

The Bible says in James 1:26 "If you claim to be religious but don't control your tongue, you are just fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless." Worthless. Pretty strong stuff. I sometimes hear celebrities say I never asked to be a role model. Maybe not. But you did ask those same kids to buy your CD. To make a hero out of you. And therefore, you are a role model. I may not have asked for my kids to copy my every move.....but they will. It sobers you to think about what will come out of my kids mouth. What messages am I sending?

I started thinking of this after hearing a Family Like CD on the words of our mouth. I have two books I am reading about the power of the tongue. The power of words. What comes out of my life can carry the power of life or death the Bible says. I can choose to speak mercy or I can condemn. I can choose to look for the goodness or I can join in the complaining and the whining. I can choose what is coming out of this mouth.

Sometimes parenting can overwhelm me. When I look at the vast responsibility I carry daily I feel so small. I feel so unprepared. How can I, a sinful, selfish human ever set a decent example for my children. These beautiful people given to me to raise up? It is then that I have to go to Jesus. For help. For guidance. Sometimes for back-up! I curl up at His feet and ask my example for some help. For some patience. For some good, life giving words to speak. That way when I am in the next room listening to my kids, I will be smiling.

campin'

2011-08-01T20:48:00.000-04:00

Campin'.....am I getting old or what?

I used to love this stuff. To be honest maybe it is not so much old as taking 4 small children and a husband who loves to burn stuff with me. Not just any small children but MY children. Will who freaks out at the thought of a bug. Did you know that there are A LOT of bugs at camp? Rachel who wore her black velvet dress the first half of the trip and then was not too happy because I didn't pack her anything PRETTY. And there is Luke.....Luke. Who thinks he is "big now mawwwwm." Therefore can take off for anywhere he wants WITHOUT telling me, can cook his own flaming marshmallow (He likes them burnt, mawwwwwm), and he just wanted to see what would happen if he opened the umbrella and put it over the teke torch. BTW who needs 3 teke torches at a camp with 4 kids? Bella. All the world is her campsite. Sit still?? Why mother dear, with your broken foot, what fun would that be?

You know what really kills me about camping? Dirty fingernails. Drives...me...insane. My camping prep is cutting all of the kids fingernails and toenails. There is dirt everywhere. I guess I just can't see sleeping in a sleeping bag when I have a bed down the road. My husband tried to explain it to me.

"Why are we here?" Scott- "Cause sleeping outside is fun." "Ummmm..yeah. What is fun about this?" Scott- "I don't know. It just is." I drew the line when they were calling for flash flood and tornado warnings. We slept at home that night.

With ALL that being said, I did have some fun with the family. We went for ice cream. I got to lay in the hammock. Love that thing. The kids seemed to have a blast. They enjoy dirt. Even Rachel was ok with it after she decided that bugs don't like dirty skin they like clean skin. When it rained, we played games in the camper. We made mountain pies and smores. It is nice to get away together. Of course, I slightly prefer a place who makes my bed while I am away, but then again a bed in general would have been nice! But we have plans to do it again in a couple of weeks. **Pray for me**

choose

2011-07-27T21:35:00.000-04:00

"It is our choice that shows what we truly are, far more than our abilities"-

Albus Dumbledore

Then choose today whom you will serve...but as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.- Joshua 24:15

Choice is a gift. One of my favorite things to do is to go to a new restaurant. I love looking at the menu. Drinks or appetizers? Chicken or pork? oh my and would you look at all the desserts.... Choice. I love it. For the record, it is almost always chicken. Although I like choice I seem to be a creature of habit!

I make choices everyday. Some are small. Like what to wear or what to eat. Some are huge. Like whether I should offer a helping hand or give up trying to be the best mother/wife I can be.

I decided quite awhile ago that I believed in the Truth of Jesus Christ. If you believe it or not, it is not for me to say. Or judge. And do not label me with that brush. And you know the brush I am talking about. But because I am a believer, I make certain choices I might not otherwise make. I take my children to church because I want to share my faith. I pray for my husband because he is my most valuable earthly relationship. I try my darnedest to treat people with love and respect...I am working on it. My commitment colors my choices.

Because I made a marriage vow to God and my husband, I stay. I work like crazy on it. I shut my mouth (not as much as I should!) and offer help and support. When the grass looks greener on the other side, I water my own. I work, believe, and pray. I choose. Because I am blessed to be a mom, I cook, clean, wipe noses, tie shoes, kiss cheeks, fill sippy cups, read stories, spray the hose, and so on... I work on building a safe and secure family for us. I try to choice effective words and choose to build fun and memorable days. I choose them.

Because I am a teacher, I love them. I listen to them. I search for the right answer and the right presentation. I take notes. I laugh with them. I encourage them. I choose to do this.

In no way is the right choice always the easy choice. Actually, it is usually the opposite. I was once in a discussion about how we have to be "understanding" because of the bad choices some people make. This is my response. I DO understand how the line can be drawn from A to B. That however, is not a certain. I understand how someone made a couple bad turns and ended up in a really bad place. I get it. More than you will know. But then does it color my expectations of them. Should I believe that is the only choice they could make? That their gift of choice was taken? Or could other choices be made? I seems even worse to explain away someone's potential. To hand them a card of escape.

However, choice is a gift. Strength comes from making one good choice. And then another. Just explaining why will not give you peace of mind. It gives you an excuse. I speak from personal experience. I had a perfectly good reason for yelling. I may have. I could rattle off reason after reason why I am justified in doing this and saying that. But it was the wrong choice. I could have made a different one.

With that comes the beauty of it all and the gift of free will. We all get the choice. Me, myself, and I. And at the end of the day, I am responsible and accountable for the choice I made. In that comes great strength and even greater responsibility.

Dear Dog Owners,

2011-07-26T13:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was on my way to my SIL's house to help with VBS stuff. So I loaded up the troops and finally had them to the front door. A task in itself I assure you. So we head outside and head to my mom's car (since Scott broke his truck for now). Bella on my hip and the others marching beside me. I load Bella in and buckle her and go to the other side of the vehicle. When I smell it. An awful, repulsive smell. Sorta like, dog crap just stepped in smell. And lo, and behold! It was. On the bottom of Luke's sandal. And on the side of his sandal. And smashed in between his toes. I back him up to the side walk and gag.

I go into the house to get baby wipes. A little upset. I come out and clean him up. After an inspection, I see that Will is dog junk free but Rachel has stepped in it too. So I clean her off. All of this while Bella waits patiently in the car. I open the car door, and tell my children to please walk AROUND the pile of dog crap I am now staring at. The children do and get in the car. I get in the car. And I smell it. Sorta like, dog crap just stepped in smell. But I cleaned them and watched them walk around it? I pull in my driveway and examine children again.

This time, Bella is the only one not blessed with the gift. And Luke has somehow managed to get dog mess all over his shirt?? I think it was his sister kicking her feet into the air while entering the car and catching his BRAND NEW Buzz Lightyear shirt in the process.

And here is where the frustration sets in. I go to look in the front yard. Where my dog never, ever goes. I count SEVEN piles of dog crap. It seems my child hit at least half of them. This is where I can't explain it away. I understand it you take your dog for a walk and forget to grab a bag. It has been hot so you "forget" to come back and clean it up. But SEVEN times???That is just rude. That is someone who has no consideration for others.

I take all 4 kids into the backyard. I hose off all three of them. Luke was wet and crying. Will didn't get why he needed cleaned "It is only a little bit mom." And Rachel found this as one of the most embarrassing moments of her young life. I strip Luke naked and tell him to go get new clothes. Did I mention that #4 got into the pool during all of this and now was soaked? After I had 4 dog crap free children, I had to clean out the car.

I load all 5 of us in and show up late and flustered.

So this is my plea. If your dog must releave himself, please, please bring a bag. Clean it up. There is no "poop police" that clean up from your dog. And certainly my goodwill will fade after 7 piles. I thank you ahead of time for your help in this matter. Rachel does too.

My little fairy

2011-07-25T13:07:00.000-04:00

Summer days are for...

2011-07-23T18:18:00.000-04:00

ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!

PARTY!!!

2011-07-23T11:36:00.001-04:00

I told him not to. But he went and turned 4 anyway. What did he want for his birthday? "Guns, swords, and games."

We had a great day with lots of family. With the help of a super duper friend, we found some air conditioners (after the speech from my husband to let him buy things when he wants to and we wouldn't be in this mess). We cooled our house to a nice 80 degrees. (gulp) However, soon after the party started the clouds came and it did end up raining. Luke had a blast. Such a thankful child. "Thank-you so much mommy for the cake. You bought me candles? Thank-you, thank-you!"

summertime

2011-07-20T16:55:00.000-04:00

aaaahhhhh....

The northeast has been hit with quite the heatwave. And I refuse to complain. I feel terrible actually for my poor husband who normally thinks 70 degrees is ten degrees too hot. My poor baby daughter whose hair is soaked with sweat when she woke up from nap. For all of my poor souls who don't bask in the glory of the heat.

But as for me....aaaahhhhh.....

Give me the sun. Give me the smothering heat. I sit on my swing and take a deep breath. I feel the humidity around me. To be like a comforting blanket. Everything just seems so much better in the summer. Brighter sky. Laughing kids in the yard. Flowers. And did I mention the sunshine??

It is a bit hot. But give me a heat wave over a PA blizzard any day.

Lucas Scott

2011-07-18T22:27:00.000-04:00

My brown eyed boy. When the doctor laid you in my arms I though "here he is. And he has his daddy's eyes." Your brother had blue and your sister green. But you....your eyes just pulled me in. And I never left.

Daily you tell me how pretty I am. You bring me a fist full of flowers. A heart so full of love. But you are my super hero. You save the day and jump from places that stop your mamas heart. You capture the bad guy all with a chocaolate milk mustache and a dirty nose. And then give me the thumbs up signal like "what is the problem?" You are stubborn. You stick to your guns. Don't know where you get it.

You bring a spark into my life. You bring an unforgetable smile. You keep me young. You keep me laughing. You keep me on my toes! I love you little man.

Do me a favor? Stay 4 for long while. Or at least promise you will always bring me a fist full of flowers with a "you're the best mom" for a long while.

birthdays

2011-07-18T21:52:00.000-04:00

"And in the end it is not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years."

Abraham Lincoln

Today, in case you are not on facebook, is my 31st birthday! I know some people are not big on birthdays, but I love them. My birthday is a day to celebrate life. What a gift. What a blessing to take another breath. And I am thankful beyond words for the wonderful people that cover my life.

Birthdays are often reflective times for me. This year I thought about all that I have. It can take your breath away when you really think about it. I have so many people who love me. Yesterday we had an awesome family reunion. Filled with laughter and games. People who we are connected to. Family. I have the most wonderful husband who loves like no one else I have ever met. 4 beautiful, intelligent, and amazing kids. A mom I couldn't imagine life without. An extended family who is the best. The best brothers and sisters. A job I adore. A secure house. My list could be endless.

Today I received word that a sweet teacher friend of mine passed away. Too soon from cancer. Although I know she celebrates this day in a better place, it helps me to focus on what a great thing a birthday is!

I had a very nice day. Woke up to a beautiful card from my husband and kids. Flowers, a book, and beef jerkey! I took the 3 big ones to the dentist. My mom had a cake. I got new jammies from my mom and sisters. Shirts from Joe and Lacy. Got my happy birthday song and when I asked William what I should wish for he told me a book! Guess that boy knows me!

And thanks to facebook I had 107+ happy birthdays from family and friends from near and far in both places and years! How awesome it is to be remembered.

And now my happy birthday is endding...as my beautiful baby boy's is starting....

sunshine

2011-07-14T13:08:00.000-04:00

Rachel- "Mommy, when school starts will I be in kindergarten?"
Me- "Yes."
Rachel- "Does school start soon."
Me- "Yes." (feeling slightly sick in my stomach)
Rachel- "Hooray!"

Unfortunatly this conversation with my little baby last night has me thinking. Thinking that how can she possibly be old enough to sit in a classroom. Of course I remember these feelings oh too well when my William started. To say it was rough would be an understatment. I still remember sobbing as the bus pulled away WITH HIM IN IT. And here we are with my peanut, my baby girl. To be honest, she is probably more ready than William is. She is much more out going. Not quite as sensative. But that doesn't make it any easier to let her go.

Thinking about how fleeting time is has caused me to stop and think. Instead of cleaning the kitchen for the thousandth time this summer, we went outside. We played in the sun. Built a pretty nice sand castle and made a water slide with the hose. I layed on the swing and took a deep breath.

I am a summer person. I love the feel of the sun on my skin. There is no such thing as "too hot." I love the smell of the outside. I never wear shoes unless I have to leave my house.

Heres to summer. And taking deep breaths and laying in the sun.

Loving the ponytails.
I had William take this. So when the snow is swirling around me I can remember...aaahhh.

Luke laying out with Rachel. But the sun was too bright.

My friend who joined me on the swing.

My soon to be kindergartener

A new lifestyle

2011-05-02T21:29:00.000-04:00

Scott- "If I find one more movie on the floor and not in its case, I am taking away the movies, your tv...everything."
Will- "You mean we will be like the Irish who don't believe in electricity?"
Scott- "Amish. And if you don't start taking care of your movies, then yes."
Will- "Then we might as well go and buy the horse and carriage now."
Mommy bursts into laughter as daddy glares.

Pinewood Derby

2011-04-14T22:04:00.000-04:00

I am not sure if I say how great my husband is often enough. Here is a picture of two of my boys at Will's first Pinewood Derby. They built, painted, and raced the car together. Every time I read something about how important a dad is in the lives of their children I thank God for the man Scott is. He not only provides for his family by working his tail off, but he is always tuned into what they are doing. Whether it is driving two hours to take the boys on a cave exploring trip, buying a tye dye "Dancer's Dad" t-shirt (can't wait to post that pic), or rocking the baby to sleep, he is a number one dad in my book.

They made a yellow and black car. They already are making plans for next year!

Me and the baby girl. Poor thing wasn't feeling well. Daddy and Lukie. He wanted his picture taken with Dad. He can't wait to race cars. But he wants to DRIVE them. Oy!

And because I don't have a picture of Bella at the derby (she was more interested in running in and out of the bathroom!), here is a pre-derby pic. Lunch- hot dogs.

Blessed.

Equivalent

2011-04-09T10:17:00.000-04:00

In fifth grade, we teach equivalent fractions. As I teach this, I make sure my kids know that fractions that are equivalent have the same value. Maybe a different name, but the same value. For example, 10/20 has the same value as 1/2. If I eat 4 out of the 8 pieces of pizza(4/8), I still ate 1/2 of the pizza. True story. Different name, same value. Like you can call me Theresa, Mommy, sweetheart, or anything else but I am still me. It is equivalent. The other day I was filling out stuff for free samples on the Internet. (I find it fun) You have to list your life history. Like your name, address, name of first grade teacher, which way you brush you teeth.... Really I shouldn't complain. I am getting a FREE thing of shampoo out of it. One of the questions was relationship status. Quite a few things hit me here at once. #1 Why do you need to know my relationship status for shampoo? #2 Why is marriage always at the bottom of the list? #3 There sure are a lot of options here. and the biggest and most puzzling WHAT?? was how my box was presented.... ____ marriage (or equivalent) Two things here bother me. #1- What in the name of cauliflower (inside 5th grade joke) is equivalent to marriage. If you follow my above example, equivalent mean same value, different name. Dictionary.com says adjective-equal in value, amount, or function. So I repeat, what is equivalent to marriage. In my opinion, nothing. Certainly nothing legally. If Scott wants a half of all my treasures we must be legally bonded to each other. True that with that comes filling differently with taxes, health insurance, and apparently free samples. Nothing spiritually. When I got married, I did not just stand in front of my family and friends and declare how much Scott made my heart fill flop. And oh he did. But I stood before God. I made a covenant to Scott through God. I promised to love him. And all that goes along with it. We became "one flesh." What is equivalent to becoming "one flesh." #2 of my wonderings. Why do I have to share my check mark. Why can't marriage stand on its own. Holy cow, even thinking of separating got its own box! Marriage has seemed to have gotten a bad rap now a days. In ways, I can see why. People have seen so many marriages crash and burn. Many people see a lot of misery between the people that stick it out. Whether they stood in front of a man or woman of God or hit up the JP, people break promises. But I would just like to say, marriage is a blessing. It is my life becoming intertwined to another for better or worse. Sometimes it is better, and sometimes it is for worse. It gives my children a sense of security. It is the both of us standing up and saying "you have me and I have you." And nothing my friends, is equivalent to that.

Grandma

2011-03-27T20:45:00.000-04:00

"The legacy of a hero is a memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example"

When you are a child, your vision of a hero usually includes a masked man racing around to save the world, get the bad guy, and save the maiden all before the last stroke of the clock. As adults, our perspective about heroes changes. We see heroes saving the world all around us. Like the father who wakes up with a 3:45 alarm clock and climbs into his cold truck for his hour commute all to provide for his family. The firemen rushing into the blazes to save. The teacher working endlessly to design some task that will reach this child and give him the belief that he can do it. The mother who stays up all night rocking her little one sick with the flu. Heroic acts of service and love.

A legacy is what we leave behind. Make no mistake. Whether you are a prince or a pauper you will leave many somethings and someones behind. And perhaps I have found that of all of the heroic acts, to live your life for a higher purpose, a calling of faith, and then day by day instill this into you family is by far the most heroic act of all.

I lived with grandma for 2 years while I was in college. I loved spending time with her in the kitchen. Always one with a quick comeback. I loved to pull up a chair and eat cookies and chips and laugh. I always went to bed first and could hear grandma downstairs. One night I went down and found her scrubbing the floor at 1 am. When I asked her what in the world she was doing she shrugged and said well it needed to be done. I loved being there. I loved finding her cold and forgotten coffee in the microwave and joking with her about her finding something more important to be doing.

I laugh as I remember arguing with her about whether we should save everything. Like the time she found a jar of pickles in the basement from 1986. She wouldn't listen to me about throwing it out. "It could still be good!" We had to call poison control where they said "it could still be good but I would throw it out."

I loved listening to her tell stories. She would talk about about family and babies. People getting married. All happy stories. Sometimes we would talk in her room while I laid across her bed as she "piddled" at her dresser. Her dresser was always covered with pictures of family, rosary beads, jewelry given to her, and cards. Grandma never threw anything out.

Grandma and Grandpa had 10 children. Each married. That is 20 children. They have 38 grandchildren and 14 have married which brings the running total to 52. Soon to be 55 after this summer. There are 32 great grandchildren. If you do the math, that is 104 people. All because two people fell in love.... That does not include all of the others that are a part of our family. No wonder we have to rent out a hall for birthday parties. Although that itself is quite the legacy, it doesn't come close to what really stands out about grandma.

If I had to tell of grandma's legacy, I could state it in one word- faith. Everyday, twice a day, I would find grandma praying the rosary for her family. She would tell me that she had prayed for each and every member of the family her whole life. I have never hear her speak a negative word about anyone. She would talk of Jesus as if he was a close friend. She trusted Him. She trusted Him with her family. His family. She always celebrated life. Every birth or marriage was a reason to rejoice. She took her children to church. She taught them how to pray. And most importantly, they witnessed her "walking the talk." She gave without thought and honored without ceasing.

And it stuck. It worked. Or to sound more spiritual "she was rewarded." Not with jewels or rubies that Grandma wouldn't have had a use for anyhow. She was rewarded with goodness that surrounds her in the lateness of her years. No family is without flaws. But we gather together. We laugh at all the little ones and talk over struggles and joys. We pray together. Still celebrating every marriage and birth. Phone chains go on to ask for prayer or give the name, weight, and height of the newest addition. We know that next to our free gift of salvation, family is one of the greatest gifts.

To my grandma who celebrated her 89th birthday this year- I couldn't have asked for a greater example. A woman dedicated to the caretaking of her family. A woman filled with deep convictions that she instilled in her own little ones who then in turn taught their little ones to trust and to believe. As I pray with my own, I do not forget or take for granted where it began. She is a woman of joy and laughter that radiates to her whole family. She is grace in a storm and sunshine in the calm. She is a hero among the commoners.

I love you grandma. Happy Birthday.

When things don't go as planned

2011-03-11T20:55:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things don't go as planned. For example, who would have thought that after hours of looking for my sons reading book, I would find it in my pajamas drawer.

Who would have thought that I would have come home from my night class in sweats and high heels. Yesterday I decided to wear a dress, pantyhose, and heels to work. But I also had my night class. I decided to pack up sweats and socks to change into once I reached the night class. Except I realized after I got there that I forgot to pack my sneakers. I spent the evening in my socks and then wore my heels (and sweats) out to the car and home. Things don't always go as planned.

For Lent I decided to do a blessing book. It is a project I have done before. At the end of the day I make a list of all I am thankful for and write it in the book. I had a great idea to involve the kids. We could gather together and each talk about how we are thankful for family and friends. Say our night prayers and then they will all go to sleep like the sweet little angels they are. Things don't always go as planned.

My husband is sick. Very sick. So one night one of the blessings book, daddy was passed out in the bedroom next door with a raging fever. The baby was sleeping so I gathered 1, 2 and 3 and tried to explain to them about the blessings book and that Easter is coming. My boys were way more interested in tackling each other and putting each other in a head lock. My daughter was pretty interested in trying to do her Barbie's hair.

I asked what they were all thankful for. "My eyebrows" That would be my daughter. She then began to name every body part she has. I also have been tired and sick so I yanked the blanket off the boys and told them to "knock it off and think of something to Thank Jesus for." nice.

Finally we got through the blessings book. I planned to write my own notes on the back. However, I laid down with the kids and woke up at 2:30 in the morning. I had not done my own devotionals and had not done my own blessings list. As I drove to work the next day, I thought about in my head it had looked so perfect and how imperfect it had turned out.

The next night I came home from my night class. Tired and ready for bed, I went to get the blessings book and it wasn't where I had left it. I was tempted to skip it. But the kids brought it up and asked if we were doing it. We went on a blessings book hunt. Found it in Luke's toy box. We all gathered in Will and Rachel's bed. Luke snuggled up on Daddy's lap and the others stayed by me. I asked them what they were thankful for. Rachel said her eyelids and blood. Luke said games. Will asked if we could ask Jesus to help make Daddy feel better. Our list was longer than it was last night. We prayed.

I went to my room. I wrote my blessings. Sometimes things don't always go as planned. Kids thank God for lips and boys arm wrestle under the covers. At least I am teaching them to be thankful. To remember everything that they have been blessed with. I wrote how thankful I am each eyebrow. Each little voice. I am so blessed that we can go to bed with full bellies and under warm covers. It can be overwhelming when you start to look at all you are given.

Each night we have been doing our blessings book. Each night the kids remind me of things I never thought of to mention. Good thing things don't always go as planned.

What 7 looks like

2011-03-06T14:31:00.000-05:00

I made a chocolate cake today and covered it in fudge icing. I decorated it with rainbow sprinkles and then put a big waxed "7" on it.

The one who made me a mother turns 7 today. My William Alan. In a way, 7 seems like too many years. That was just last week where I was up all night with him. Wasn't he just sitting in a high chair smearing spaghetti everywhere? He was just dancing to the Wiggles in his diaper while I snapped pictures like crazy. In other ways, how could he have only been a part of my life for a mere seven years. Was there a life before him? Certainly there are bits and pieces. But the brightest and the best memories almost always have him there.

What does 7 look like? Years of rocking, holding, praying to sleep. Cutting off crusts of bread and mixing pink milk. Reading silly stories and listening to the best jokes told in a little voice with a missing front tooth. Big blue eyes filled with fear before kindergarten shots and the same blue eyes smiling as he gets off the bus after his first day.

Seven years of prayers, of taming down cowlicks, and scrubbing marker off bellies. Washing sand out of hair and dancing in ocean waves. Years of mixing brownies and chasing through walmart. Batman costumes and scoring a goal heard round the world. Throwing sticks in campfires and swing high but not too high.

Years filled with more joy and laughter than I thought possible. More fear of failure and screaming at the scary place the world is becoming for him. Years of filling him with the knowledge that he always will have a safe place to land and a home to come to. That he has a family who loves him to the moon and back and a heavenly Father who loves him enough to go to the cross for him.

What does 7 look like? The best 7 years of my life. I love you baby. Happy Birthday!

guess what I did?

2011-03-05T12:28:00.000-05:00

I planned my SECOND week of meal. woot! and went through the ads again. And we didn't eat out once all week!!

It was really nice to have everything all lined up. Barely had to think! It did get a little hairy the morning I was suppose to load the crock pot and I had forgotten. I missed my coffee that day as I was running round getting everything ready.

But I think I did a good job. On to week two!

swing sets and unicorns

2011-03-02T16:32:00.001-05:00

On the way to Grammy's this morning we were driving past the Carrolltown graveyard....
Rachel- Why can't we go look at the stones?
Me- We can. Those are the stones that people put up to remember people who went to heaven.
Rachel- I want to remember Pappy.
Me- Yes, but Grammy doesn't like the stones. She wants us to remember Pappy in our hearts.
Rachel- Where is he?
Me- In Heaven with Jesus. In heaven where no one is ever sick or sad. Everything is wonderful.
After a few moments...
Rachel- Do you think there are swing sets in heaven?
Me- I think so.
Rachel- What about unicorns? Will Jesus have a unicorn?
Me- Maybe Rachel.
*******************************************************

I used to never really think about heaven. Because heaven I associated with good-byes more than hellos. I knew what the Bible said about it. Really though, no one I was ever super close to had passed away. It is sorta like giving birth, if you will. People can tell you what it is like but not until you experience it can you truly know what it is like. You will never know what losing a parent is like until you do.

From time to time, I look into the sky and smile. I think more about heaven now. Wonder what it will be like and who we will see. What we will do. Will we play on swing sets or play with unicorns. Maybe because now I think that heaven will be more about hellos than goodbye.

An added bonus

2011-02-26T19:15:00.000-05:00

One of the things that my husband picked up when we went to the Weekend to Remember conference is the idea that we need a budget. Apparently, when the men got together for their session they filled his head with all kinds of crazy ideas. For example, ordering coffee online is not a staple. Or saving money can be like a game. Yeah like scrabble....I hate that game.

So we come home and Scott bought a computer program and apparently we are now on a budget. March is apparently the "tracking" month. We were suppose to make predictions and then try and meet them...and blah blah blah. I was checking my facebook when he was explaining.

Since I mainly do all of the banking, Scott was a little surprised when evil little computer program spit out that we spend an obscene amount on "convenience" foods. To be honest I have been convicted in this area for awhile. I actually enjoy cooking but I never seem to have the time. But cooking my own meals would SAVE us money. See it is like a game! sigh......

I decided that this would be my own "tracking" month. I am going to start planning meals and I found a lot of great slow cooker recipes online which will help on days where Scott and I are both working.

If you have any budget tips or recipes, feel free to share. You know, like a game.

We got gaps

2011-02-20T11:09:00.000-05:00

Some may say (such as myself), that there is a direct correlation between the condition of my kitchen and the condition of my life. For example, it would not take a PH.D. to walk into my kitchen at the moment and see that I have been sick for the better part of two weeks. I guess it also shows that I must be turning a corner in my sickness as the kitchen is now torn apart and ready to be hands and knees scrubbed. A giant garbage bag is at the ready to take all of the clutter that is at the moment covering my blue counters. I am back.

This is a comical thing in my marriage. I can be laying in bed and Scott will say to me "what is wrong." I say "The kitchen is a mess." He laughs. Me, not so much. To me if the kitchen is a mess I feel uneasy. I feel the same way if I know I have to write out the bills. It always is lingering in the back of my mind. My husbands mind does not work this way. I can guarantee you that the state of the kitchen is the last thing on his mind!

Women must learn to multi task for survival. We are wives, moms, teachers, doctors, cooks, and the rest. Our minds racing to the next thing we need to do.

My husband is not like that. This does not make one better than the other. Just different. He gives all of his attention on the matter at hand.

I laugh when I think back on a conversation we had after going to a past marriage conference in which the man speaker said "Ladies when we say we are thinking about "nothin'" we really are thinking about nothin'" So I said to Scott " Can you think of nothing?" "All the time." I said "Do you mean nothing important?" "No, I mean nothing at all." "Like a blank slate?" "Yep." I sat in wonder.

It is probably a good thing God gave us differences. Cause someone has to care about the kitchen floor, but we certainly don't need two people up pondering when the electric bill is due. Plus I learn from him how to relax. Think of other things. And he learns from me to help carry my load so I can be more open to thinking about other things. Marriage isn't about changing one person to the liking of another but rather completing each other.

As the great thinker Rocky said when his friend Paulie asked "what's the attraction?"
Rocky- "I dunno...she fills gaps."
Paulie- "What gaps?"
Rocky- " i dunno...she's got gaps, I got gaps. together we fill the gaps."

selfishness

2011-02-16T17:58:00.001-05:00

I am just getting over the worst flu of my life. You know it is bad when I go to the hospital. AND I missed work.

But I will get to that. Scott and I, thanks to family, got to attend our 3rd Weekend to Remember Marriage conference. I can not express how amazing these retreats are. I learned so much. One of the most impacting things I learned is how selfish I am.

This might not seem like such an awesome revelation to some, but to me it made sense. We are all born selfish. We will all die selfish. No one wants to give up their own time, money, or biggest piece of the pie. Naturally we want it all for ourselves. All of us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. Getting married doesn't change that. It just puts us in closer proximity to someone who is constantly reminding us that they want pie too.

What causes us to give up what we want? Loving another. Not that first you are so prefect and I could stare in your eyes forever love. But the kind of love my husband has continued to show me over this past 24 hours.

I came home from work yesterday SICK. To make a long story short, I had the flu. And didn't make it to the toilet. He cleaned up my puke because I couldn't even stand. At 10:00 pm he took me to the ER to get fluids, and meds to stop me from puking up stomach bile, and then slept on a chair as the fluids so slowly dripped because I was too dehydrated to find a proper vein. And when I complained how cold my arm was because I had to hold it out of the blankets he covered my arm with his and stayed in that awkward position for another hour. When we finally got home (and got my amazing brother off the couch as he had stayed with the kids) I went right up to bed. I heard Scott down fixing the fire. He let me sleep in and has been taking care of the kids all day. He called off of work so I can sleep. He took Rachel to dance and took the baby too so I could rest and is picking up dinner at McD's.

Did he want to do any of this? I told him thanks for being so good to me. All he ever says is that it is his job to take care of me. He just felt bad that I was feeling so bad.

That is love. Not chocolates, or flowers, or diamonds. Not Happy Valentines day cards that Hallmark has written about our beautiful love. Love is putting another's needs ahead of your own when you don't feel like it. When you really don't wanna. Love is pushing back your own selfish I want and I deserves and placing that gift of God (your spouse) in front.

I have so much to learn.

comfort

2011-02-05T12:14:00.001-05:00

Last night as I lay in bed with Rachel, I watched her twirl her hair around her finger. She was having trouble falling asleep and I was trying to get her to join dreamland. I knew we were close as soon as I saw the twirl. Even as a baby, Rachel would twirl her hair with her finger when she was sleepy. I remembered her chubby little hand clutching her bottle and twirling, twirling with the other.

When Will was a baby he always wanted your finger in his ear when he was sleepy. Weird I know. Luke hated to be held. He would flip and flop until you put him down and tucked a blanket around him. He stills sleeps with his spiderman blanket wrapped around his head.

My Bella loves her musically toy. But it must be on the right setting. One night when her daddy went to get her in the middle of the night, she would not clam down. I went in and saw that the ocean seen was on her music box. I quickly flipped it to the star scene and she laid down at once to relax.

Comfort. When I need comfort, the best thing someone can do for me is to let me know they are thinking, praying, "there" for me, and then let me alone to wrap myself in my soft blanket and a book. Having been through what I consider some trying times, I know this about myself. Please, I know you mean well. But maybe your well wishes, advice, two cents just isn't what I need right now. I need to know I am thought of and loved. The fact that your Aunt Matilda has gone through this same thing, or it is for the best, or you will feel better in the morning, just might not do it.

And knowing what I know about comfort, I find myself doing the same to others. I love you. I am thinking about you. Sometimes constantly. But I offer no words of advice or wisdom. Because I simply have none. I don't know why horrible things happen to some of the most compassionate, wonderful people. I can't, nor do I want to find the reason. I don't like to wrap my head around that. The best I can offer is life can really suck. But hopfully you know even if it is silently, I stand beside you.

name that kid....

2011-01-16T21:11:00.000-05:00

You tell me which kid.....

child- "Mom, I had the best dream."
me- "What was it about?"
child- "I had a fart gun."
me- "Do you mean a dart gun?"
child- "no, a big stinky fart gun."

Scott- "Do you know (insert child's name) is carrying a ninja sword into church?"
me- "(Insert child's name) please do not ninja stab anyone while we are in church."

me- Please (insert child's name) stop eating dog food.

Me "No you cannot cut your own hair. I don't care if your brother told you that will get all of the curls out."

The cucumber

2011-01-15T21:10:00.001-05:00

The cucumber.....
The summer of 2009 I decided that I wanted to go to the beach. I have always loved the beach. I love the smell, the feel, the HEAT! Scott got on line and found us a beach house and away we went. Even at 33 weeks pregnant I had a nice time. When we arrived at our beach house, there was a basket of fake fruit and vegetables. You would have thought my children had struck gold. Forget all of the toys they had packed, smuggled, and dragged from home. No, no. They had fake apples and oranges to roll across the floor. And for some reason, my children took quite a liking to the cucumber. They fought over it. Brought it to the beach. Really it was no surprise when I was unpacking my daughter's suitcase and found the cucumber tucked in there.

And it has been a regular in the favorite toy pile. Not sure what it is really. But tonight when I was walking to the bathroom, I tripped on the cucumber. Normally after twisting my ankle and screaming in pain, I call for the kids to please not leave their toys outside my door. But tonight I picked up the cucumber and put it on my nightstand.

This may seem silly, but it makes me happy thinking of the trip. Remembering the sun and the smell of the ocean. Digging in the sand with the kids and laughing as the waves knocked us over. It gives me hope in this dreary month of January, that the sun will come again. So will sand castles and green grass. Although I do not like to skip over today's blessings, it is nice to think of the day with flip flops and tee-shirts. Perhaps I will keep the cucumber awhile to remind me.

Hello 2011

2011-01-01T20:37:00.000-05:00

As the new year has arrived, I have a LIST of things I need to work on. I know that I have a number of things to work on. But as I look back on 2010, I can't help but feel blessed beyond measure. Sure things went wrong. In December alone, the stove blew up and the furnace fan stopped working. But a lot of things went right. I would like to start the new year by focusing on what I have been given.

1. My family- People are important. Not things. And as I have taught my children this simple truth over and over, I am proud to hear them repeat it to each other. I celebrated the end of 2010 with a lot of my family and extended family around me. I am beyond blessed. Going thought the Christmas season and seeing how many loving people we are surrounded by it more than amazing. I miss my dad everyday, but through that I loss I have learned to not take things for granted. Love each other today. My mom is remarkable. I have 4 siblings that bring such laughter and peace to me. My "other" brothers and sisters who I have been given through marriage and relationships. I am surrounded by people who love, support, and add more goodness into my life than most could imagine.

2. Our jobs. I love my job. I love what I do every single day. The children I work with make everyday special. They are amazing. And I can't say enough about the dedicated, loving, and whole hearted professionals I work with. I could not imagine working in another place. And thanks to God for blessing me with one of the most amazing people I have known. Truly she is my inspiration as a teacher. Her entire heart goes not only into her teaching but the people surrounding her. She is on of the most amazing moms I have ever know. Scott loves his job. He enjoys going and the people he works with. A blessing unimaginable. He feels that he is making an impact.

3. My health- After quite a year of stomach troubles, I can say that I am finally feeling a bit better. After being so sick for so long, the gift of health is something to be grateful for.

4. a home- Not just a house, but a home. A warm and inviting place where we can come to.

5. laughter- With a house full of children I can say that everyday is an adventure. And I love it. The joy and goodness that fills everyone of my days is unending.

Thank-you Lord for the gift of life. Thank-you for not just these things but all of the little blessings. I am sorry that I complain. I am sorry that on some days my vision is cloudy. Return to me the joy of my salvation. I pray that your hand would fall upon all of my family and friends this year. That we recognize your goodness and your grace. May we all seek your heart on 2011.

My kids

2010-11-07T21:56:00.000-05:00

While we are trying to teach our children all about life,

Our children teach us what life is all about-

Angela Schwindt

I have tried several times to start typing about how thankful I am for my children, but each time I begin, I can't finish. I delete. I can't start. Because how can I put into words how truly grateful I am that God has placed these beautiful people in my life? That I could be trusted enough to hold this precious life in my hand? No words can express my gratitude.

Sometimes I look at them. Really look at them. I listen to William laugh and draw everyone in. Then he demonstrates how he can burp the entire alphabet with only one drink of water! I can see Rachel wrapping her arms protectively around her baby sister at a baby shower filled with people she doesn't know. Walking down the steps, covered in eye shadow and asking me what I think. I hear Luke saying "I wike (like) you mommy" and crawling on my lap for a story. Bella opening and closing her little fists and reaching for me. Laying her head down on me in her special place as I dance with her.

I get to keep them? Only for a little while. With this great blessing comes such responsibility it literally brings me to my knees. What will they remember? Will they know to always trust in God? Will they always be able to come to me with any question or problem? Will they always know they were my angels on earth? I guess only if I tell them. Each and everyday.

I am thankful for my kids.

Scott

2010-11-03T20:18:00.000-04:00

My husband.
I am thankful for my husband.

Because he thinks and tells me I am beautiful no matter what.
Because he brings me coffee when he knows I need it.
Because he puts the kids in bed.
Because he prays for me.
Because he asks me what would make me happy.
Because he works hard to provide for our home.
Because he gets me a drink or medicine or whatever I ask for in the middle of the night.
Because he lets me have the heater on in the van even though he hates it.
Because he says get whatever you need.
Because he says I love you all of the time.
Because he leaves me little notes or messages.
Because he packs my lunch.
Because he brings me flowers.
Because he tells me that I am needed.

Blessed beyond measure.

Thankful

2010-11-01T20:58:00.000-04:00

Each morning out principal gets on the speaker and gives us his "daily words of wisdom." Today he told a very powerful story. To paraphrase, a man was upset because he did not have shoes. On his walk toward town, he saw a man sitting along side the road who was play the most beautiful music. He began to dance. He called out to the man playing the music "why don't you get up and dance with me?" The man sitting replied " I would love to, but you see I have no feet." Actually, this was the second time we heard the story. When our principal was absent last Friday, the secretary had read this one already. But as I told the my kids "looks like we needed to hear that message one more time!"

Thankfulness. Thanksgiving (my 2nd favorite holiday). To take time to look at what you have and look away from all of the "wants" and "longings" we seem to focus on everyday. Many of us spend time tallying everything we don't have. When we start looking toward what we do have, a peace of heart, a gratefulness falls on us.

Today I am thankful for the one who first put the beat in my heart. To my God who loved me before I was ever formed in my mother. The one who sent His one and only Son to the cross for the sins I would make. To my Savior who loves me when I am unlovable. To the God who casts my sins as far as the east is from the west.

I am thankful for my Jesus, my God, and the gift of the Spirit the dwells within.

Halloween memories

2010-10-30T18:52:00.000-04:00

I don't have a very good memory. When someone says "remember when..." I usually panic. Cause I don't. It is nothing against you or whatever happened "that one time." Really. That being said, the memories I do have usually come out quite strong.

One of the kids in school asked me if I like Halloween. "No, I hate it." I am just not a fan of scary stuff. I hate driving past houses and looking at spiders hanging on webs or creepy bloody faces peeking out from everywhere. Plus, people make me nervous. Trick or treating has always made me nervous. The students said " I bet you liked it when you were a kid." Which got me to thinking. I do remember liking the trick or treating part. But I have always hated the scary parts.

When I was a kid, it snowed. That I remember. I remember stepping over snow drifts to get to the houses. Always when picking out a costume you had to make sure you could fit your winter coat under it or had a mask at least when your winter coat was on the outside. I remember the town party we would have before hand. The kids walking in a circle to have their costumes judged. I remember my siblings and I running all over town. And having to dump our bags at least 2 times to fit all of the candy. I remember the huge silver bowl the candy sat in.

There are things that are blurry for me. I know we carved pumpkins. I don't remember much about it. I remember my mom digging in the pumpkins. I could not tell you one Halloween costume I ever wore. Or one piece of candy I ever got.

Then I think about creating memories with my own crew. We carved pumpkins. I HATE carving pumpkins. But they love it. I let them draw whatever face they wanted. Scott carved them. We dug out the seeds. Cleaned up the mess. Scott takes them door to door usually with my mom. I stay home and hand out candy.

I sometimes wonder what will stick. I will live if Rachel never remembers that she was wonder woman for Halloween or if Luke can't recall me digging out his pumpkin guts after he declare it "yuck" and moved on. But I hope they remember joy in their childhood. I hope they remember some fun and laughter.

guess

2010-10-26T21:54:00.000-04:00

Will and I have a couple of games we play together while driving to school. One game is guess the number. He says "mommy, I am thinking of a number between 1 and 10." And I guess and guess. Then we switch places.

Today when we were playing, I couldn't get it. I think the very last number it could be was his number. Will said "Mommy, the number was 6. Like my age. How could you not guess that?" When it was my turn I picked 4 (for the number of children I have). I thought for sure it would be his first guess. Or at least his second. He had to be able to read my mind. Funny thing was- he didn't get it. And I was sure his next guess would be it! Actually he "forgot" about 4. He got so concerned that he yelled out 11 in desperation. When I pointed out 11 is not in between 1 and 10 he laughed like crazy and told me he knew that but thought maybe I had become a cheater.

After I dropped him off and I was driving to work myself, I thought about how funny it is that I sometimes think that people can read my mind. It is often a common plight among women and men. He should have known. The men answer with "how could I have known. Why didn't you tell me?" In which case we answer "you should have known."

To be honest I am quite content that know one knows all my thoughts and feelings. And I bet you are too. But if I am unhappy because someone doesn't "know" what I want or need then why not ask. It certainly makes more sense. Then we all know what is going on. What we all want and need.

Today (and tomorrow) I am going to ask.

Isabella Noel

2010-09-22T20:55:00.000-04:00

January of 2009 was not a good time for us. The thing about grief is how it consumes you. The smallest thing can seem to suffocate you. Memories. Disbelief. Pain. It was not only winter outside but mostly in our heart as well.

And then came a joyful surprise. A promise of hope. A baby on the way. It seemed almost unreal at the time. That life was continuing. Life would continue on in some fashion. We found out we were having a girl. We would name her Isabella- a name I had carried in my heart for years. The middle name Noel- in memory of our last Christmas.

With her birth, she brought the sun. She brought back the promise of new life and the fulfilling of a promise. She brought hope and laughter. The moments she was born, she cried and I asked if she was ok. When Scott said "she is perfect" I cried. In that moment, my heart that had been fighting the reality of God still being in control, was broken. She was here. And perfect. God was still God. In the pain. And in the joy. He comforts us in times of trial. He rejoices with us with His blessing.

Everyday with you Isabella is a gift I never thought to ask for. Your two tooth grin and squealing joy can't help but hit the heart. Even now, before you can talk, you wave to everyone you meet. Wanting everyone to know that they are noticed. Even if only by you. Your hugs and kisses are treasures.

You are my sunshine. Happy First Birthday Baby Girl.

Thankful Thursday

2010-09-16T19:39:00.001-04:00

"A single grateful thought toward heaven is the most complete prayer."

Gotthold Lessing

1. My Jesus
2. My husband, Scott
3. My kids- Will, Rachel, Luke, and Bella
4. My other family- you know who you are ;)
5. My job as a teacher, which I love
6. My husband's job- which he loves
7. warm house
8. food in my belly
9. healthcare
10. books- ahhhh...books (which I need to buy a stack of before next weekend)
11. friends I work with
12. My forever friends
13. cozy Pj's
14. laundry done (LOVE my mom)
15. laughing...lots
16. romantic comedies
17. writing
18. old movies
19. country music
20. health

and I could go on and on......

***** I fixed it Kelly. So thankful for you... ;)

and so goes it...

2010-09-14T21:38:00.000-04:00

We are half way through the third week of school. The THIRD week of school.

It seems that when fall hits, the world begins to spin out of control for awhile. At least in my house. I return to my full time teaching gig and the kids return to school/daycare. Soccer, dance, scouts begin. My calendar is covered in red pen. Doctors appointments and choir. Finishing up summer while dancing into autumn.

While these are all good things, sometimes important things can get pushed aside. Quiet moments. Reading a good book. Writing down the beautiful and wonderful clips of life. I found myself thinking, I should write about that. I need to jot that down so I remember. And then I forget.

Like the night before his first day of FIRST grade William told me that he had a funny feeling in his tummy. He said "I think I am hungry." I told him no I think he was nervous. Then he said I think you are right and he asked why things just can't stay the same. I smiled and gave him a hug. Knowing more than he does how fast time will fly.

Rachel had her first "girl" fight at daycare. It seems when Rachel entered the scene another little one wasn't too happy. The other girl thought she would be the boss. No worries though. Rachel told me that she simply told the girl that when Rachel is not around she can be the boss. But when Rachel is there...well, that is a different story.

Luke is now in the pre-school class at daycare. He is writing letters....writing letters. In the three weeks of school, I am proud to announce that he has been in time out only once! And if you know my little ball of excitement you would rejoice too. He is my sweetheart though. As I lay on the couch, crying in pain (more on that) he came over and laid his little hand on me. "I will pray for you mommy."

And did I mention that my Isabella is turning one next week. I was standing in front of the ice cream case today (don't judge me) and thought I should buy this now for Bella's birthday. And then I thought BIRTHDAY. And my eyes got real foggy real quick. Cause she is my baby. My baby. Did I mention about time passing so very quickly.

Scott has gotten a new title at work. Instead of a GUP 2, he is now a GUP 1. No I don't know what he does. I think it is top secret. Or so stinkin' complicated that I can't follow him from point a to point b. You gotta keep it simple, like "I teach kids to read." See, simple.

And I, my friends, am heading into surgery. The whole withering in pain thing? I am having my gall bladder removed. Next Friday. Scott is off already and I also have my sub lined up. Nothing to do but a million pre-op appointments and phone calls.

Let's try and keep in touch, k? Cause I saw my first tree filled with nothing but red leaves today. Time-she is a moving.

thingies

2010-08-28T08:59:00.001-04:00

I was so excited! I had found the hair thingies. (real word-I think I have been reading too much fifth grade fiction? Frindle) I bought the cutest hair thingies for Rachel's new school year at daycare. They were cute little clips where one was a butterfly and one was a ladybug! The NICE rubber bands that her very thin and fine hair need. Little bows. All in one great package for one low price at wal*mart.- Sure wal*mart I will take some cash for that great plug in.

BUT we had lost them. By we, I mean my daughter and her much taller friend found them on TOP of the bathroom shelf and opened them. And spread them all over. After I found them, nicely*cough cough* sent them outside, and I put them in a plastic bag. Then I lost the bag. Oops.

But last night I found them. I was so happy I called Rachel in. She was not that impressed. I yelled at Scott to check it out. Again, he didn't see the reason to be jumping. Fine. I was pretty happy.

This morning. I wake up and come downstairs to take a shower. Brushing teeth and then I see something colorful in the toilet. You love how I check my toilet in the morning, huh? The baggie of hair thingies. Swirling in water..around and around. I sigh. And I am going to wal*mart with my three dollars to get a new set!

lucky

2010-08-25T18:47:00.000-04:00

He held up a picture. "And this is what your uterus looks like." There was obviously trouble. Now, this wasn't actually a picture of MY uterus, but just a picture of one that was full of endrometriosis. My family doctor self diagnosed me with this after my year long bout with sickness and he had sent me here. To this man. Holding up this awful picture and then telling me "you probably won't have children." I was 21.

I know having children isn't for everyone. But for me, I just always thought it was a given. I would graduate college, get married, have kids, and die happy. But after being sick almost everyday for a year...and then this man telling me I will not be able to have kids...I thought my life was over before it had begun.

I went home and told Scott, my then fiancee, that I could not marry him. He wanted kids and I could not have them. He told me I was crazy. He of course asked me if they had actually looked at MY uterus. Well, no. BUT they did look at my symptoms. And the Dr said so. And the gyno said so.

A couple of weeks later, my mom called Scott to come and get me. I was on the bathroom floor and I was done. He came to my house and scooped me off the floor and drove my mom and I to the hospital. They ran a blood test. I had a UTI that had been let go too long. It was sending poison into my blood. "You need a strong anti-biotic." "That is it? and I will be OK? I can have babies?" The nurse probably thought I was just delirious from the fever.

But that picture stuck with me. What if I can't have kids? What if it just doesn't happen for us. That pain in the pit of my stomach. Sobbing in the backseat of my parents car on the ride home from seeing that picture. Watching my mom wipe the tears from her eyes when they told me. What if?...... I still thought.

On May 17th 2003, I was married. On July 8, 2003 I found out that I was having a baby. My baby.

Now, 7 plus years later, I have 4 beautiful, healthy children. When people ask if we are "done" I laugh. As my husband says he wants to have at least 2 more. People gasp. Look at you funny. Either ask God to bless you or question your sanity.

Too be honest there are days that are an "epic fail." My house is a mess, my children aren't listening, we ate cereal for dinner, and I have to wash a sippy cup to get a clean one for bed drinks. There are times when I ask myself "am I crazy? What made me think I could do this?"

A fellow soon to be mother of 4, Kristen, reminded me of something important today. Someone asked her if this was going to be her forth and she said yes. Waiting for the "your hands are full" or "are you crazy?" response. But instead this woman said you're so lucky. Made her think. And man, did it make me think.

I have many friends struggling right this very minute to get pregnant. Even though I had my moments in the Dr's office and in the back of the old station wagon...I still can't put myself in their shoes. I pray for them. Pray for peace. Pray for the gift they so desperately want.

I look at my own kids. I need to be reminded. Yeah, lucky. I couldn't be luckier.

choosing to be

2010-08-22T09:10:00.000-04:00

Last night Rachel and I were laying in bed and discussing how we are all suppose to be working on "being nice" and "loving even when we don't feel like it." She was having "bad day." She threw her little hands up and said "I am trying to be kind but people just won't leave me alone. I try to go and be by myself and be kind and then people come and bug me!" Aaahhh...from the mouths of babes.

It is easy to be kind when it is just me and my coffee. Then you go adding all kind of people and things get a little hairy. But since I read this article by Janel, I can't stop thinking. ( a post of its own)! I need to get to the "heart" of the problem. And not just with my kids! With myself as well.

I understand my daughters laments. Sometimes it is so hard to be kind! If they would just leave me alone! Like when I am sick and my kids are all screaming and fighting. When my husband has forgotten to tell me to write that on the calendar. When I am forgotten by others. When my house is a mess. (you don't see the connection??)

When you come home from a very long day and you just want to get the kids fed and in bed and the neighborhood girl knocks on your door. Way past playing time. I am grumping as husband opens the door. She needs a flashlight. So Scott goes and gets her one. I grump on. (see how well my mouth challenge is going???) To be fair, I must defend myself in my head. He doesn't get it. The kids set the center piece on fire at the baby shower today! Rachel spilled a whole cup of coffee, when I didn't even get one sip, all over the table, floor, and chairs at the baby shower! I am sick-again- in my stomach. The list went on and on. Then my husband comes in and says "you know, we might be the only Jesus she ever sees." On that note, it became different.

My attitude is so important because who knows who my life is affecting. I know it affects my family. It affects my classroom. My friends and other family. Even though sometimes I might not feel like being kind, I need to choose to be kind anyway. Loving when I don't feel like loving. Even though I may have a list of good reasons not to be, like my little Rachel "They just won't stop being annoying"- her brothers.

Sometimes we don't know what list the other person is carrying. We don't know what is challenging their faith today. When we seem the most "annoying" that is when we need others kindness the most. I need to practice being kind. Loving even more when I don't feel like it.

Listening

2010-08-19T21:56:00.000-04:00

Scott doesn't really work a lot of nights. He works 7 out of every 28 days. Unless he does overtime. Which seems to always be night shifts....

But we sure do miss him when he is gone. I have been having stomach trouble....again. Of course tonight was a bad night. Scott is home. He got their drinks and is now reading their Bible Story with them. He leads them in the "thank-you God for _____" prayer. He tucks them in.

Certain things you don't think of when you are 17 years old and dating a cute boy. Good thing God thinks of them!

self reflection

2010-08-16T13:27:00.000-04:00

"It is never to late to become the person you might have been." - George Elliot

I took a class this summer called "Motivat*ing Students to Re*ad." One of the themes throughout the online 3 credit death trap aka interesting lecture was self reflection. The class opened and closed and did about 10 self reflectiong papers throughout. I was all self reflected out. I was about sick of looking at me thank-you very much!

But you never can underestimate the power of a mirror. At the end of the school year, a friend and I had a great conversation. We are both working mothers of young children with husbands and a host of other responsibilities. We were talking about everything that always needs done and the conversation slid to our faith. We are both Christians and we talked about how of the thing that should be first and foremost in our lives is so easily pushed aside. And that is just not right.

This summer I have been doing a lot of thinking...pondering...reading tons of books...and doing some self reflecting. I have seen that, man I need a lot of help! But where oh where to begin. So I prayed about it and I am starting with my mouth.

This is an area where I struggle. I am a pessimist. If something is going to go wrong, I think it will. I also tend to be loud when I am "asking" for everyone else to knock it off. It can get pretty crazy here at times to say the least. I have decided to check my speech. I will ask "do I have to say this?" If the answer is yes, then what is the best way to say it and where. The plan is to try and cut my speech in half (or at least tame it a bit) and make sure what I am saying needs to be said! For, example, calling Scott at work to tell him he forgot to take out the garbage and I had to do it...blah blah blah..is probably not necessary at that point and time.

"The tonuge also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and itselfset on fire by hell." James 3:6

"But the things that proceed out of the mouth some from the heart and those defile the man." Matt 15:18

This does not mean that I am going to succeed all the time. Heck, sometimes i have been awake for 10 minutes and need a do-over! I lose it too. But then I need to remember my plan and why I am doing this. I want to be a representation of Christ to my family. I can't so that if my mouth keeps on running ahead of me. I need to close my mouth.

To make things simple, I have also decided that at times I just need to be silent. When I am tired/stressed/overwhelmed (uh-oh I may never speak again), I just need to stop and listen. Which has stressed out my husband. He wants to know "what is wrong with you? are you ignoring me? Did I do something? Are you mad?" No, I am just self reflecting...although I don't think that will do much to clear up the confusion for him.....

Canada?

2010-08-13T10:06:00.000-04:00

As I am climbing in Will's bed for him to fall asleep....

Me- "Will, we are going to memorize a new scripture. It is Pappy Demi's favorite."
Will-" What is it?"
Me- "Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I as in William Demi can do all things like go to bed by myself or be nice to my brother through Him which is Jesus who gives you the strength."
BIG PAUSE
Will- "All sure is a lot of things. You mean I could even drive to Canada?"
Me- "Go to sleep William."

The bug zapper

2010-08-11T16:27:00.000-04:00

I have class every Thursday night. It is a night class. From 5:30-9:15...every Thursday. Last Thursday Scott was at work so my mother offered to keep the kids so I could learn about Language Acquisition. Fun.

It was late. I still had to get the kids in bed. I jumped out of the van, headed for the door with a mind whirling of the lists of things going on in my head.

Just a side note, but my husband was listening to a book on tape. The book was called For Men Only. It tried to unravel the female mind....good one. One day he told me that the book likes to compare the female mind to a computer. We have many many windows open at once. And although we might not be "working" on that screen, it is still open. Still processing. A woman can have many many windows open at the same time. My husband asked "is that true?" "Absolutely."

Back to Thursday night. As I am walking past my mother's porch I was jolted by a loud very surprising noise. It was a bug zapper plugged in on her porch. For anyone who doesn't know, a bug zapper is a light with a cage around it. Bugs draw to light. Bugs run into light. Zap. Bug dead.

I looked at the bug zapper and smiled. When we first moved into the home my mom lives in now, I was under 10. One of our favorite summer activities was to watch the bug zapper. My dad had hooked up the bug zapper to the clothes line. He had his lawn chair down there and when the sunlight faded, the bug zapper got turned on. We would run around catching fireflies or try to climb on my dad's chair. Yell and scream. And of course cheer when the bug zapper "got one." An extra bonus if the bug zapper got a big one and the "zap" held for a couple of seconds.

On my mom's porch, now almost 20-25 years later, it is nice to look back and remember those times. Playing in the backyard. Not even knowing what memories we were making. Don't know if my brother was thinking about those summers when he hung it up. Thinking about my dad yelling at us to settle down and watch the bug zapper! Funny things that take you back.

It was nice to stop and remember.

names

2010-08-10T09:59:00.000-04:00

I was sitting at my mom's kitchen table yesterday and saw a card my Aunt had sent her. It was a card with her name on it and the meaning of her name. Then it had a prayer for her. I love these little cards. I always look for my name, my husbands names, my kids name on them. Seeing if they spelled Theresa properly with the "a." Rachel without the "a."

My mom has always hated her name. If she was a boy, her parents were going to name her "Carl" after the priest. But she was a girl. So they changed it and made her "Carla." Which I think is nice but she hates.

Of course I never liked my name. No one ever has my name. Which if you have a name that is very common you would think that is great. But I always felt odd. And of course every time anyone heard it they would say "like mother Theresa?" Or like "St. Theresa?" Actually I was named after my mother's cousin...who was names after St. Theresa.

Theresa actually means harvester. How pretty and feminine is that?? I always searched and search for a different meaning to my name. A different little card that would tell me that my name meant "amazingly talented" "sophisticated" "divine." But no. Theresa=Harvester. But when I became a Christian my name took on a new meaning
"He told them "The Harvest is plentiful , but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field." Luke 10:2

When I was naming my children, as we all do, I put a lot of thought into it. After all...this was going to be their NAME! It was what people would think when they saw them. They would write it 5 billion times. The problem was...I didn't know who these little angels would become? Would they need a strong name? A lover of nature? A poet? An intellect?

We named our first born after a pirate. Now, Scott will tell you this is not true. If was after our grandfathers, but I think the fact that Will Turner was quite popular at the time had a lot to do with it. We had our William. My first born daughter was to have a different name right up until the end. Then my husband says..."I think I like Rachel." Rachel???? And so she was named, our "little lamb."

With my third child, I put my foot down. I get to name this one. Right from the ultra sound I called my little boy Lucas Scott. A strong name with a touch of his dad. When I found out my fourth child was a baby girl I pulled out the name I had saved in my heart for her, Isabella. My Bella.

Isn't it amazing that God knows our name? Not just that he knows our name like the IRS does, but truly it is written on the palm of his hand. With that name comes who we are. Not just what our name "means" but who we are. All of our parts. The triumphs as well as the failures. The good and the bad. Just as a parent looks at our child's heart so he looks at ours. He looks past what we want to give us what we need. He gathers us up to our heart.

It is nice when someone important knows your name. To hear it called from important people. They know MY name. To hear our name called from graduation podiums or awards cerimonies. But who better to know you that the creator of the universe? God knows my name. And he calls me. He knows me. He loves me.

"See I have written your name on the palm of my hands." Isaiah 49:16

7 more

2010-08-06T22:18:00.000-04:00

I have 15 credits....cause I just turned in my 3 credit on-line course. Woo-hoo... of course I hope I passed the class. I will know in 8 weeks. ***8weeks***

I have to get to 24. I have 2 more classes worth one credit each to finish. I will have 7 more to get this school year to get my level 2 certification...My level 2.

closer.....

Funny Kids

2010-08-05T22:42:00.001-04:00

Luke- "Mommy, can I have these cups?"
Me- "Luke, those cups are a lot of money."
Luke- "I checked. They are $3,000. I can get them" *tosses cups in cart
Me- "No...." taking cups out of cart
***********************************************************************

Rachel- "Did you see what the dog do to my shoes? He chewed them up. Let's get rid of the dog."
Will- "What is the big deal? Just buy some new shoes."
Rachel- "Those shoes matched my new shirt. You just can't buy shoes that match like that." sighs and stomps away
**********************************************************************
Me- "We need to clean up this house"
Will- "We need to just move."

burnt pancake

2010-08-03T13:36:00.000-04:00

A long time ago, in a far away land lived a girl. A girl who loved the sunshine. A girl who loved to sit in the sunshine and read a book. Any kind of book really. She kept records of all of the books she read. She turned page after page in her notebook, filling the lines with stacks and stacks of books. Romance or mystery, fiction or non-fiction- it was all good.
That girl…was me. ;)

A while ago Scott and I were talking with a friend about what we liked to do for fun. Scott sat and named two handfuls of things off the top of his head. I sat there. Our friend asked me what I like to do for fun. Before I could part my lips, my darling husband answered for me. She doesn’t like to have fun. Although I am sure he might have gotten an elbow from me, he might be partly right. And partly wrong. It certainly isn’t that I don’t like to have fun. But I honestly couldn’t think of what I like! What a sorry thing that is. You know you have a problem when you can’t come up with a answer to that question.

I saw an interview years ago, where they were interviewing Teri Hatcher about her book- burnt toast. Interesting name for a book. It came from the fact that we, as mothers, always eat the burnt toast. If something gets burnt, we will not serve it. We eat it ourselves. Why not throw it away and start again? Not sure. But I can tell you I ate a burnt pancake on Saturday. AND when everyone was done, I ended up throwing away 2 good pancakes that didn’t get eaten.
I guess this all to say, I think we might be a tad bit hard on ourselves as mothers. And look out if you are a working mother. We have to be all things to all people. Self sacrifice, almost self torture- ok the pancake was not that bad. We feel guilty leaving the kids. We feel guilty if we pick up a book and the laundry isn’t done. We feel like a failure if we forgot milk. No wonder I can’t figure out what fun is.

I put some thought in what do I like? And I had to think back to the past. And I remembered reading. I used to love love love to read. Between wife, mommy to 4, full time teacher, housekeep and cook, I didn’t have time to pick up a book. If I did pick up the book, I have a list playing in the back of my mind about all of the things I could/should be doing.
I bought a book. A couple of books actually. I am reading them. It is my step in the direction of fun. Do I read every day? No. But I am getting better. I also remembered that I like going out to eat. Someone tell my husband…..

clutter

2010-07-29T11:18:00.000-04:00

I hate clutter. A place for everything and everything in its place. I have always had a touch of OCD. Hard to imagine, eh?

However, with four kids, clutter seems unstoppable. Please, NEVER come to my house without an appointment. ;) I may seriously curl up and die. It isn't that I don't try. But before I can even get to the next room, the room I have just cleaned is again destroyed. The kids LOVE clean rooms. And soon it is not clean so much. But I have learned to deal with this. Kick it aside. Deal with it when you can. Beg people to call first.

But it is the mind clutter that is getting to me. I also have TMJ. Which of course is worse when under stress. I went to the dentist the other day. He heard my jaw clicking. Across the room. He then came closer and checked me out. His diagnosis. "Holy smokes! You need to get this taken care of." Apparently I need a plate for when I am sleeping cause I grind my teeth. And my jaw is way off. One is a 1 blah blah and the other is a 2 blah blah. No I don't know what the blah blah is. Which Scott was not happy about. He recommends braces. BRACES?? He said my jaw needs realigned and if I don't do it, I WILL need surgury. A surgury that doesn't always work.

I know I grind my teeth and set my jaw when I am stressed. Oh, but what is there to stress about you say? Well, the clutter. I always am thinking about the laundry and the dinner. The clothes needing switched around and such. The kitchen floor needs scrubbed. The bedrooms need done.

School is starting soon. Which means I am thinking about school shopping and getting my new room ready. Getting ready for my new grade. New everything. And I am taking many college grad credits. And not getting the work done. I also am trying to squeeze in every bit of fun with my kids before I return to work.

Plus, there are other lists. Other worries. I tell myself to let it go. But in my sleep, the grinding and jaw setting comes. Braces?

run......

2010-07-27T22:07:00.000-04:00

I am not a runner. My most dreaded day in all of middle school was the mile run. Wow- what a horrible experience. Worst than the last slow dance in the middle school gym and finding yourself standing alone. Worse than the time I got hundred on my algebra final and the teacher had to point it out...to ...the ...whole....class.

The Mile. My gym teacher would line us all up. With her dreaded stop watch she would scream go. And we all went. Of course we all started by sprinting. This was middle school of course and the goal is to always stay with the crowd. Then we would have people (like me) slowly dropping out to walk. Feeling like your heart was about to be ripped from your chest and being absolutely certain you are going to die. When the "fast" girls would hit the finish line, my gym teacher called out their time. She also had a garbage bag positioned right by the finish line so the girls could puke. Seriously. Is it any wonder I was in the middle....at the end. And it was ever so embarrassing to have your TIME screamed into the field. Nice....I am sure that would not be allowed with today's privacy laws! ;)

I was so happy to get to high school where there was no mile. Oh wait. There was the cross country training. And swimming. Oh, co-ed swimming. shudder.....

I never liked running. Never. When I wanted to get in shape (AKA I had a baby) I joined Curves. I watched what I ate. I rode a bike. I went for 3 mile walks. I did not run. That, my friends, was akin to torture.

And one day I lost my mind. I thought, hey, maybe I should try running. Keep in mind, I had just had my 4th child and was in worse shape than my grandma. Although Grandma Yackuboskey is pretty tough..... I got to thinking about the heart disease that was raging in my family and frankly I don't want to die. Maybe I should try to get in shape? Be able to climb the stairs without getting winded? Actually lose the baby weight this time?

I got on a treadmill. Something was wrong. Oh yeah! I should probably wear shoes. So I put on my shoes. With socks even. And I ran. For about a minute. I felt the old "I think I am going to die." So I walked for a minute. I continued this for about 20 minutes. Got off soaked in sweat and prayed for the angels to come carry me away. The next day I hurt. But I got back on the treadmill.

I am taking a class on motivation. It is centering on reading, however I find it interesting that I can apply it to my running. Today I ran for 30 straight minutes outside and only had two mini stops. That is a great accomplishment for this non-runner. I was motivated by my desire to make a commitment and stick to it. By my desire to prove that I can do something I thought I never could. My desire to do it was bigger than the fear telling me I couldn't.

Did I think I could do it? Nope. Did I want to stop? You bet ya. My legs were screaming at me and my lungs.... But I thought to myself "you can do this. Just think about the end. Think about how proud you will be." Every time my legs were aching and I gave my self permission to stop, I couldn't. I knew I had to do it. I had to keep going. So I did. And I made it home.

Sometimes things in life seem so impossible. How will I ever..... But we do. We put on our running shoes and do it. Can we stop? Sure. Should we? Absolutely not. Because the pain we are feeling now will be nothing when we get to that final victory. That feeling of "I overcame that." We give up too easily. If something is hard we quit. I don't want to quit. I want to do it.

"In a race all the runners take part in it, but only one of them wins the prize. Run, then, in such a way as to win the prize. Every athlete in training submits to strict discipline; he does so in order to be crowned with a wreath that will not last; but we do it for one that will last forever." 1 corth 9:24-25

And while I am certainly no marathon runner, tonight I was a runner. With cute pink shoes and a new MP3 player!

My Lucas Scott

2010-07-20T11:53:00.000-04:00

Happy 3rd birthday. A little late but hey....

My superhero! My future cage fighter! My sweet brown eyed boy.

You must excuse this blog being a day late. Yesterday I was scrubbing mascara off my boy, cleaning up jelly all over the couch, green tea all over the table (and under the table), smiley stickers on the walls, cabinets, and floor all before 10 a.m. All of this attributed to my baby boy.

My little boy is three. I remember the day he was born. The Dr holding him. His big brown eyes looking straight at me, the first and only child to have his daddy's eyes. I was thinking "wow, here he is." Why hadn't I thought that with the first two? Not sure? But I did with Luke. And wow has he been "here!"

We call him "curious" and "active." He is my "I will try anything" child. Like try to cross the road himself cause "I big mom." He can't sit for an entire meal without standing on his head or making up a musical tune on his plate. He is my "wanna fight?" boy. My ladies stopping us everywhere to comment on how cute he is.

But he is my "I wike (like) you mommy" with a hug. My give me a "huggie." He may be a rough and tumble kind of kid but always loves his momma.

My baby at one....

are you awake?

2010-07-16T08:16:00.000-04:00

My first born angel has never been a sleeper. In fact I will call him the "anti-sleeper." When he was first born I tried everything. Bassinet, swing, cuddle-U, bed, floor. front, back, side. with milk, without milk. Everything. He never slept more than 20 minutes. My mom said "Theresa he is a baby. He has to sleep sometime." So she borrowed him. She brought him back. "Theresa! This baby never sleeps!" Exactly. At 2 months he will....4 months...HALF A YEAR. Nope.

And frankly he is 6 and still does not like to fall or stay asleep. He struggles. His newest obsession is that he hates to be the only one wake. If his sister falls asleep first, he wakes her up. nice. So it has come down to me coming to his bed and laying with him. And I wait for it......"Mommy, will you stay awake until I am asleep." "Yes, Will."

He asks the same question every night. Like, tonight may be different. I may change my mind. Sneak in a winker before him. But nope. Every night he asks and every night I tell him the same thing. I will stay awake until you are asleep. Sometimes that is enough. Sometimes he asks again. But I stay with him. Until his little body relaxes and he begins to breath deep. Then I can sneak out to my own bed.

I love to sleep. But when he first started this I was reminded of me decades ago. My own dad was a night owl. Mom always went to bed early, but my dad would be up into the night watching the news and then the nightly talk shows. I would fall asleep up stair listening to his TV. If I needed a drink I would be able to see by the glow of his TV. He would look over as I ran to the kitchen. I knew he was awake. So I could sleep. Did I fear someone breaking in or monster under the bed and think my dad being awake would send them running? Maybe..... But really it was the comfort of knowing that while I was resting, someone bigger than me was keeping watch. I felt safe.

Now, that I am the "someone bigger" I often fail big time in the fear department. Sure, I can protect my son from the boogieman (as long as he is pretend right? Cause that would really mess me up!) but am I big enough to protect him from illness? I can make sure he is fed and cared for, but what about his trials in life? Are my arms that big?

Since those nights many years ago, my dad now is watching over me from a new place. So who is up to chase away my boogieman? I have my own worries and woes which I am not big enough or strong enough to handle.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

It is nice to know that even when everyone in my house is asleep there is someone who is watching out for us. Someone who promised to look out for us. Someone who is bigger and stronger than me. And in knowing this I can rest.

In my own times of quiet desperation (and the not so quiet), I know that Christ has walked with me. He has held me up at funerals and in my bedroom. He has walked through the valley of hopelessness and heartfelt pain. Did he take away the pain. No. Did he take away the sting of rejection. Not at first. He walked it with me.

When I first became a Christian, I read a scripture that talked about God holding our right hands. Being 16, I made this my thing. When I felt alone I would reach out my right hand and squeeze. When I felt scared I would reach out my right hand and squeeze. I knew he was there. I wasn't alone. And that has made all the difference. Life is easier when you have a friend to hold your hand through it.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matt 18 :20

He is real!

2010-07-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

I went out to the porch to get the mail and met the mailman on my doorstop. Of course following close behind were my two little shadows. That would be #2 and 3. Bella can't quite crawl fast enough and Will is engrossed with Scooby Doo on-line. They run out onto the porch (in underwear of course- too hot they say) and see me getting the mail. "Who is that?" Rachel asks as I walk into the house. "The mailman." Luke of course waves and says "good-bye mailman. Thanks!" Rachel comes running into the living room with Luke close behind.

"Will, the mailman does exist! We saw him!" "Yeah!" Luke chimes in. "Really? huh," and Will returns to game. Rachel turns to Luke "And did you see that he carries a big purse! cool."

So he does exist. And carries a purse.

yikes!

2010-07-13T09:01:00.000-04:00

I did it. I didn't mean to do it. I looked and then the thought crossed my mind. And I said NO! But then it kept pulling at me. So I did it. I looked at the calendar. And counted how many weeks until I go back to work. And how many weeks until it is Will's first day of FIRST grade.

And then I took a big deep breath.

To be honest I LOVE my job. Seriously. I couldn't imagine ever doing anything else. But still I am OFF. And enjoying every minutes (well, most minutes!) with my family. We went to the beach and camping. But there is still some things I must get busy with. Busy busy on vacation!

1. MAYBE camping again. The kids loved it. We will see.

2. An amusement park if some kind

3. I WANT to go see the curve!!! This has been for the past 3 summers and I have never got there.

4. On a picnic

And to be honest I am not sure what else?? But I want the rest of the summer to be fun! And relaxing!

Just a side note- the other day school came up and I thought Will would flip. He was not a big fan of school last year. But he said "I cannot wait for school." Me- "Really?" Will- "Yeah, I miss the bus." Of course. The bus.

sleepy

2010-07-08T16:06:00.000-04:00

Time just flies when you are having fun. From the beach to campin'. I want to post some fun camp pics but I am so very very tired. Scott is on night shift. Which means I don't sleep. So frustrating. The baby is taking a nap so I could lay on the couch with Luke, so some light reading, or work on my online class. Wonder which one I should choose?

Today is hubby's 30th birthday. He has to go into work...booo. I think I hear the couch calling....

The Beach!!

2010-06-29T09:05:00.000-04:00

The beach!!! A great time had by all I think. Can I go back?????

Don, Patty, Christy, and Joe. So nice to have them all here.

Scott and Will on the boardwalk. Love the relationship these two have.

Grammy and Bella.

Something is funny.

My sisters and I.

Scott and I at putt-putt.

My Bella. Always so happy.

Getting ready for the wave!

My two little characters. ready for the beach!

Our view. God's goodness is new every morning.

Leavin'...........

2010-06-18T09:37:00.000-04:00

in a packed truck. We are going to the beach, beach, beach. In a packed truck cause my van has no a/c and that just wouldn't be pretty. There is SO much I should be doing now. And I have zero motivation. I think I may make myself a cup of tea.

Here is to the sun, waves, and sand in my toes!

closer.....

2010-06-15T11:31:00.000-04:00

4 more sleeps until the beach. I am not a good "under pressure." Ever. I like extra time. I like plans and lists. And I am behind. I also find myself becoming a tad bit cranky when I am stressed...for example...things that have irritated me the last couple of days...

1. Why do we not have cell phone service everywhere?? Seriously. I pay the phone company and insane amount of money and I should have service everywhere. In the middle of the woods, in my living room, on the moon!

2. Why are there so many "fees" on the phone bill, the com*cast bill....on many bills. You can charge anyone anything and say "fee!"

3. painting. We are painting the kitchen. I hate to paint.

4. losing things. All...the...time. My kindergartners used to love this one. OK, I lost my stapler guys. Who has seen it? Then we would all look until one yelled found it! But I lost my beach camping trip. The had everything on it. In specific lists. And broken down into what I needed to pack and buy. And I lost it....

5. junk- everywhere.

The list could go on and on. And I know I am complaining about silly stuff when I am on my way to the BEACH. But still. Some mornings are like that. And Rachel just came to tell me that Luke covered the table in jelly.

6. Jelly or children who paint in jelly

Goin' fishin'

2010-06-12T11:07:00.001-04:00

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilderon

Reality...

2010-06-11T09:08:00.000-04:00

After that sweet little tribute yesterday, I really proved my point...in real life.

I am not a people person. I like people and all but I am...awkward socially. I don't "make friends easily." I think I am a good friend once I have met you and we talked and I feel comfortable around you. But thinking about walking into a room full of strangers about makes me pass out. One of the problems I have with dance. Lots of beautiful women that seem to all know what is going on. And I stand there with baby puke on my shoulder and paint (white house paint not THAT paint) grinded into my cuticles.

And this recital thing drives my stress through the roof. For example, yesterday I washed my hair. This is not a big deal for most people. Except did you read my last blog post? With my new hair cut, I have to wash, apply "sleek" junk, blow dry, and then straighten (sometimes apply more "sleek" stuff). With my towel on my head and checking my e mail- I remembered. I was given a paper balloon to decorate at the last rehearsal. Actually the conversation went something like this.

Beautiful woman I don't know- "What is your daughters name?"
Me- "Rachel"
BW- "I meant last name"
Me- "Oh sorry, Demi"
BW- hand me pink paper ballon with Rachel written on it "Just get it back to me next time." walking away....
Me- "um excuse me, what do I do with it?"
BW- "decorate it" walking away
Me- "how?"
BW- "with her picture, with anything. However you want it to look." walks away

Did I mention I am craft challenged too? Back to the towel. So with towel on head it hits me that I am to have this balloon done TONIGHT. Commence flip out mode. Get on Internet and send a picture to one hour walmart. Get all 4 kids dressed and ready and in the van to go to walmart. Thankfully mom and sister offer to come along. Go to walmart and pick up picture. Go to craft section for "dance" stickers. Find out walmart is getting rid of scrapbooking section. Have Rachel pick out some girl stickers. Even on clearance these stickers were crazy priced.

Go home and Rachel decorates balloon. I will have to take a picture of it and post it. Too cute. Good thing I have her. ;) So now my hair has dried and looks horrible. I clip it up (although not all of it cooperates). Add to stress. I grab all of Rachel's stuff and we take off. After dropping kids off at mom's I realize that I forgot the BALLOON at home. Now, we go home to find ballon ( and camera).

We are late. I go running in. They are getting people in the auditorium and I am trying to fix Rachel's hair. Hair tie broke. Later in the day, dance director reminds parents to "bobby pin" hair pieces in. bobby pins??? have to buy some of those. What section are they in?? So we run in the auditorium and I realize I did not scrub off her two tattoos on her arm. Big black ugly monster truck tattoos. I try to get them off with...tada...spit. Didn't work. We snuck out to the bathroom. It didn't work. I promised her I would get them off for the performance.

The night continued with me finding out tons of other stuff I didn't know. Like were were running the act TWICE. Rachel was bored out of her mind and rolling on the dirty floor.

When I finally hit the pillow last night, I thought, soccer would be so much easier.....
Tonight is the real deal....pray for me...for her....OY!

My Girl

2010-06-10T14:45:00.000-04:00

I always knew I was going to have all boys. Could be because I was never a "girl" myself. I never teased my hair or tight rolled my jeans (Hey it was the 80's!). The one time I tried to dye my hair it went orange and I hid it under my baseball cap all summer. I was the girl who hung with the boys and felt more at home in a baseball diamond than the mall. I clipped my nails short as to get out the dirt. I knew I was never going to be the beauty queen and that was ok with me.

So when the ultrasound person told me that William was a boy, I was not shocked to say the least. And when I was pregnant with #2 I laughed when Scott said this one was a girl. I told him "I can't have a girl." Which medically speaking is crazy but to me it made sense. I would be a better mom to a boy. What did I know about bows and clips? When ultrasound person said "we have a little girl." I sat up and said "What? Are you sure? How sure?" She laughed and said about 99 percent. But things can hide." I left stunned but to be honest I was still thinking the baby was a boy. She could be wrong. When my church had a "pink" baby shower for me, I thought what am I going to do with all this when he is a boy. I actually looked at something purple and thought,"maybe he could wear that."

On December 14, 2005 the nurse handed me a perfectly pink little girl. And I just stared. Then I cried. And I said "Scott. She is a girl." What a girl she is. She is one of the reasons I know that God has a sense of humor. Because not only did he bless me with a girl, but he dropped the girliest of all girls in my lap. She believes her middle name is princess. Before she was 2 she painted her fingernails with markers. Right after she turned two, she got into a huge argument with me over which coat she would wear. She has told me "mom, that doesn't match." When we put on her lipstick for her dance recital I just hand her the tube. She took my mascara and applied it when she was 2 and didn't get a spot on her face.

On her first birthday, I took her to get her pictures taken. When my mom was looking at the pictures she said "Theresa, why didn't you put her in a dress?" I looked and said "it never even occurred to me." I did have a pink shirt on her!

This weekend is my baby girl's first dance recital. I say first because I am sure it will not be her last. I look at her in all her pink and lace. Her curls and her bright red lipstick and think about how she has blessed my life. My little girl who offers hugs and kisses with the occasional fashion advice. Sometimes in life God surprises you with just the thing you need. Something perfect.

This picture was taken this past mother's day. She picked out her own hair things and the necklace. She was not happy that I wasn't wearing pink. I tried to expain that black is slimming but she wouldn't buy it.....